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Eighteen Years – Surviving Postpartum Depression

January 17, 2020 by Janice

This post may contain affiliate links. Read my disclosure policy here.

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My son Jackson just turned eighteen years old.

And I have never felt the impact of a milestone as much as I am feeling this one.

We made it.

My word, I can’t believe we made it.

Jackson and Janice 2002

I know there is so much still ahead – and I still have a twelve-year-old to parent through the teen years – but to have made it this far, to have survived such dark days and to watch him thrive now, I am breathless with relief and gratitude.

Eighteen years ago today I was a terrified, overwhelmed, young mother holding a baby I loved beyond what my heart could handle. Postpartum depression crippled me. What had I done?!? I couldn’t be a mother! I still needed my own mother!

I loved him so much, it broke me.

(Years ago, I shared part of my story here…)

The high was so intense that the fear of the lows that could come was unbearable. For every moment of euphoric connection with my beautiful, nursing baby, there was another counter moment of unspeakable terror. What if something happens to him? What if something happens to me and I am not here to mother him? What if we can’t bear what lies ahead? What if the pain is more than we can handle? What if my untameable fear is justified? What if all my fears come true?

To someone who has never been paralyzed by fear, who has never experienced their mind betraying them, these experiences of postpartum depression must seem ridiculous. Of course you don’t know the future – just get on with it anyway!

But when you are locked inside your fears, you can’t just get on with it. You are trapped.

I can’t even begin to imagine all of the generations of women before me, who have had to make it through those years of depression and anxiety without the help of medication, and all the women today, who still can’t get access to the medication they need.

I am beyond grateful that I was able to get medication that allowed me to function, that brought me the objectivity and courage to face the days ahead of me.

If I didn’t have that medication – and I still depend on it today – I don’t know if I would be here, if I could have survived the chemical attacks inside my mind.

But I did have medicine. And I had support. I had family. And we made it.

Janice and Jackson

We had some really hard days. But we also had some incredible, wonderful, beautiful days.

And now Jackson is 18. He is a good person. He is caring and loving. He is bright and ambitious. He is determined to follow Christ and be a force of good in this world.

Of course there are many more difficult days ahead of us and I still have to fight my ever-present fears, but we have made it this far and I couldn’t be more grateful.

Thank you God, for my precious baby boy and for all the help, strength, and joy you have given us over these years. And thank you so very much for medication and the opportunity to receive it! I am so very grateful.

If you or someone you love is suffering with depression and anxiety, please get help from a trusted medical professional.

Please do not view mental illness as different from other kinds of illness. Do not translate a need for medication as a weakness.

The chemicals and hormones in our bodies are complex and imbalances create chaos. It is not our fault. We are not less because of chemical imbalances. But we need to allow ourselves to get help.

I know, the dark days can be as black as a starless night. But, with help, the morning does come. And on some of those days, the sun breaks through and shines so warm and strong that you forget how cold and lost you once were.

Read More about My Battle with Depression and Anxiety

I’ve blogged many times about my struggles with depression and anxiety.

Here are a few more blog posts you may find helpful…

  • Surviving Postpartum Depression
  • When Depression Throws You Down
  • Nine years later — and I am OK
  • Because Weakness is Strength
  • A Look at Postpartum Depression
  • The Good Part of a Panic Attack

Surviving Postpartum Depression - 18 Years Later
 


Written by Janice Croze, co-founder of 5 Minutes for Mom
Talk with me: @5minutesformom and Facebook.com/5minutesformom
Pin with me at pinterest.com/5minutesformom

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About Janice

Janice is co-founder of 5 Minutes For Mom. She's been working online since 2003 and is thankful her days are full of social media, writing and photography.

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8 Comments

  1. Emmanuel Chibuikem says

    January 23, 2020 at 8:41 am

    congratulations on reaching such miestone. i think life is all about doing stuff we have to do regardless of the fear thumping inside of our hearts. thank you for sharing your journey. say hi to the young adult

    Reply
    • Janice says

      January 25, 2020 at 9:28 pm

      Thank you!!! Yes, life sometimes really is about having to step forward despite everything telling us we can’t. Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to say hello!

      Reply
  2. Lindsay Ferrier says

    January 22, 2020 at 12:33 pm

    I love this! Thank you for sharing your journey, and congratulations on this major milestone!

    Reply
    • Janice says

      January 25, 2020 at 9:30 pm

      Thank you Lindsay! I can’t believe it has been 18 years. Just amazing to me. And thank you so much for coming by – I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment!

      Reply
  3. Aimee Giese says

    January 21, 2020 at 6:28 pm

    I said to someone just recently, why do people view my mental health medication any differently than my diabetes meds? Glad things have been better for you all.

    Reply
    • Janice says

      January 25, 2020 at 9:32 pm

      Exactly!!! Some people are so shocked that I will casually refer to my meds or my anxiety/depression, like I should be ashamed! No way baby — no shame!!!!

      Reply
  4. Stacie says

    January 18, 2020 at 5:35 pm

    I feel this on so many levels. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes because this is me. After my third child was born, I plunged into a darkness so deep that I honestly just wanted it all to end. I lost weeks, months…I just don’t even know where the time went because of what was happening to me. I didn’t experience PPD with my first two so it took me a while to recognize the symptoms. I was looking at a bottle of pills one day and when the thought popped into my head that this would be the perfect solution to end this darkness and pain. I yelled out for my husband telling him that I needed help right now. I knew that thought was wrong and it hit me, I had to get help ASAP. I was lucky. Very lucky.

    Reply
    • Janice says

      January 25, 2020 at 9:34 pm

      Oh Stacie – I am so sorry that you had to suffer so terribly! What a relief that you had support and you were able to reach out!!! It is so horrific to think of how many people are suffering through mental illness all alone! I am so glad to hear that you were able to survive your PPD! HUGS!!!!

      Reply

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