First may I say the sincerest “Thank you!” to each of you for your prayers and concern. I appreciate you so much!!!
As for how things are going – I wish I knew for sure. It doesn’t look too good so far today. I woke up with a lot of pain and tenderness in my belly. I just lay in bed for two hours, curled in a ball, holding my belly and begging God to heal my baby. But of course – I have no way of knowing what is happening in there.
I haven’t had any bleeding yet. (But for my last miscarriage, my baby was dead for three weeks, with not one drop of blood, before I miscarried. So I am not putting too much confidence in the fact that I haven’t bled.)
The pain is worse today than it was yesterday. And – I am not nearly as nauseated. I actually ate two bowls of cheerios when I got up! I haven’t eaten more than a few bites of anything for days and days. Now I just don’t feel terribly sick like I have been. I have been sitting up, talking on the phone for the last couple of hours. (Even Susan said to me, “You don’t sound sick anymore.”) And while I feel nauseated, it is nothing like the brutal “I am never going to eat anything again as long as I live” nausea that I have been enduring. In fact, right now I am choosing out something from the take out menu at a local restaurant for my hubby to pick up for dinner. – Yes – something must be wrong.)
Last night I was having a really hard time. I was terribly depressed and afraid. But as I lay in bed, praying and trying to fall asleep, I began to surrender. I just kept releasing my life and my baby to God, surrendering to our fate. And in the middle of it, my fears just vanished. It was like the light switch had been turned on: the world wasn’t nearly as dark and terrifying and I felt like I could face what lies ahead. I released our baby to him, if that is what is to happen, to join our other baby in heaven, and I felt peace.
Now this doesn’t mean I have stopped hoping and praying that my baby will make it. No, I am still begging for healing. But I just was released from the strangleholds of depression and panic.
Tonight I am starting to feel that the baby has died. I don’t know how to explain it – but I just don’t feel pregnant anymore. Does that make sense? Although I am desperately hoping I am wrong! A part of me is still fiercely clinging to the hope that in October I will hold my little baby. But as the hours pass, I feel like that hope is fading. (I wish I had an ultrasound machine here to check and see – it is so frustrating to not know if my baby is alive or not.)
I told Susan that I think the baby died last night. She said that maybe it was during that prayer – when I felt that peace. That thought had not occurred to me. I sure hope we are wrong!!! Oh I pray that we are wrong. I hope this is just an exercise in faith and that I still get to hold my baby at the end of it!
So that is all the update I have right now. I have nothing but my hopes and fears and no facts to tell what is really going on inside me. Only God knows. As soon as I know more, I will let you know.
I am still praying and begging for this baby though. (I so desperately want this little baby!) And hoping beyond hope that I have good news soon for you all.
edited to add: The pain and cramping is really bad tonight…I don’t want this to happen!!!!!!