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First may I say the sincerest “Thank you!” to each of you for your prayers and concern. I appreciate you so much!!!
As for how things are going – I wish I knew for sure. It doesn’t look too good so far today. I woke up with a lot of pain and tenderness in my belly. I just lay in bed for two hours, curled in a ball, holding my belly and begging God to heal my baby. But of course – I have no way of knowing what is happening in there.
I haven’t had any bleeding yet. (But for my last miscarriage, my baby was dead for three weeks, with not one drop of blood, before I miscarried. So I am not putting too much confidence in the fact that I haven’t bled.)
The pain is worse today than it was yesterday. And – I am not nearly as nauseated. I actually ate two bowls of cheerios when I got up! I haven’t eaten more than a few bites of anything for days and days. Now I just don’t feel terribly sick like I have been. I have been sitting up, talking on the phone for the last couple of hours. (Even Susan said to me, “You don’t sound sick anymore.”) And while I feel nauseated, it is nothing like the brutal “I am never going to eat anything again as long as I live” nausea that I have been enduring. In fact, right now I am choosing out something from the take out menu at a local restaurant for my hubby to pick up for dinner. – Yes – something must be wrong.)
Last night I was having a really hard time. I was terribly depressed and afraid. But as I lay in bed, praying and trying to fall asleep, I began to surrender. I just kept releasing my life and my baby to God, surrendering to our fate. And in the middle of it, my fears just vanished. It was like the light switch had been turned on: the world wasn’t nearly as dark and terrifying and I felt like I could face what lies ahead. I released our baby to him, if that is what is to happen, to join our other baby in heaven, and I felt peace.
Now this doesn’t mean I have stopped hoping and praying that my baby will make it. No, I am still begging for healing. But I just was released from the strangleholds of depression and panic.
Tonight I am starting to feel that the baby has died. I don’t know how to explain it – but I just don’t feel pregnant anymore. Does that make sense? Although I am desperately hoping I am wrong! A part of me is still fiercely clinging to the hope that in October I will hold my little baby. But as the hours pass, I feel like that hope is fading. (I wish I had an ultrasound machine here to check and see – it is so frustrating to not know if my baby is alive or not.)
I told Susan that I think the baby died last night. She said that maybe it was during that prayer – when I felt that peace. That thought had not occurred to me. I sure hope we are wrong!!! Oh I pray that we are wrong. I hope this is just an exercise in faith and that I still get to hold my baby at the end of it!
So that is all the update I have right now. I have nothing but my hopes and fears and no facts to tell what is really going on inside me. Only God knows. As soon as I know more, I will let you know.
I am still praying and begging for this baby though. (I so desperately want this little baby!) And hoping beyond hope that I have good news soon for you all.
edited to add: The pain and cramping is really bad tonight…I don’t want this to happen!!!!!!
Mira says
You continue to be in our thoughts and prayers.
Lani from The Wooden Porch says
Janice, I wish I could reach right through this computer screen and give you a great big hug. So just imagine a sisterly hug from one believer to another. My heart is breaking for you.
misslionheart says
((Lots of love and hugs on the way to you from Ireland!))
amelia says
I just read these last two posts, and I just want you to know that I will fall asleep praying for you, your baby, and your family tonight. Love, hugs and prayers from FL…
Amy says
You have been on my mind so much and I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers!!
Take good care!
Amy
Fiddledeedee (It Coulda' Been Worse) says
I’m adding my prayers for you to the list of women who love you and are there for you, and understand both the hope and grief. God bless you Janice. And I specifically pray for complete healing for this tiny life that you carry. May God’s mighty hand be on both of you.
Faraja says
I’m praying for you too!
Aimee says
been thinking of you all day and I am adding my prayers to all of the commenters before me.
Sandra says
Oh Janice, I had NO idea you were going through this, I’ve been so out of the blogging loop lately, I didn’t even know you were pregnant.
My heart aches for you, I’ve been through 2 miscarriages and I understand the feelings you’re having right now. Your story reminded me of my miscarriages and it’s amazing how all the emotions come right back.
My heart aches for you my friend, and I’m hoping and praying that you find peace no matter what the outcome is. Just know that if you need to talk I’m here….I’m keeping you in my prayers.
Huge huge hugs,
Sandra
Erna says
Oh Janice . . . my heart aches for you. Parts of your story reminded me of the first miscarriage I had and parts reminded me of when I lost the twin that was in my womb with Emily. We long for each one and hope for each one. I remember thinking I would not see a heartbeat after the bleeding I had in Emily’s pregnancy and yet there she was . . . holding on, keeping up the fight. We went through so much with her. I’m glad you have surrendered everything to the Lord and yet that you still cling to hope. I appreciated your update as I was thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. Do the doctors plan to have any follow-up ultrasounds for your?
Kelley says
I too recently found 5 Minutes for Mom and am in awe of your faith and your courage to share this most painful part of your life with your readers. I firmly believe in the power of prayer and after reading all these comments, God is hearing from a lot of us about you and your sweet baby.
Blessings,
K.
Prontip says
I found your site because it’s for moms, by moms. I was really moved by your faith. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. God will answer your prayers. You’re on my prayer list now and will be until your prayers are answered. Under HIS wing – Prontip
Pass the Torch says
You’re in my prayers, Janice…
Megan says
Praying your lil peanut is holding on tight!
KarenW says
Many prayers. . .
Denise says
I’m praying for you, Sista. Right now and later, too. May you continue to live in God’s peace.
Kari says
*hugs* Nothing I can say other than you are in my prayers hun.
Melissa says
Dear Janice,
My thoughts and prayers are with you. This is one of the toughest things that a mom goes through. We love you!
(((hugs)))
DebbiDoo says
Psalm 145:17-20
The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fullfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The Lord watches over all who love him…
jen says
Dear Janice you are very much in my prayers and thoughts. BIG BIG HUG
Judy says
My prayers and thoughts are with you. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
Jill says
Sending you hugs and positive thoughts. I pray that everything works out for the best!
Janean says
Dear Janice…you are always so willing to share with us no matter what. Let us share your burden as well. THere are no words to say to make you feel better. Just know that we are WITH you, come what may.
Prayers, prayers…lots of prayers.
Elisa says
Praying for you still!
Irene says
Trust in God. He knows your soul. Talk to Him and Virgin Mary for what is best for you and your baby.
Praying for you.
Lynne says
I’m new to daily blogging and have just started reading your site. After the last few posts, I feel a connection and this will definitely be a daily read for me now.
Through our journey of infertility…miscarriage…adoption…more infertility…and a triplet pregnancy and preemie birth of 3, I can say we can relate. I too had that feeling of not being pregnant anymore during my first pregnancy. I even had doubts during my triplet pregnancy when my estrogen level was high enough to change 6 men into women (they are now almost 17 months old)!
It was hard for me to believe that it was finally happening. The day that we found out it was triplets I passed a clot that I was sure was the end of the pregnancy.
My husband is the one who is now benefitting the most from our journey. He never understood the grief that people have from infertility and miscarriage. He and I were both spiritually renewed and he has so much more compassion for others.
Coincidentally, last night he mentioned how we would see the daughter we lost to miscarriage and the embryos we lost through our infertility in heaven. We’ll be busy meeting souls as we had 35 embryos other than our triplets.
I pray that you will be able to handle the test of God’s will regardless of the outcome.
Amy says
I have tears in my eyes reading your post. I had two rough pregnancies with lots of complications, and I remember all too well laying on the couch and praying that the baby would make it.
I’m praying for you.
owlhaven says
praying..
Suzanne says
I totally understand. I felt the same way when I miscarried but I also felt the same way when I got pregnant again (She was born on Oct 23 🙂 )I know it’s difficult but think positive and imagine that baby in your arms.
Mary (Mert) says
I have had a tubal pregnancy and later a miscarriage, I know how it is to not be able to “feel pregnant” too, and worry the whole time. I am praying for God to continue to give you peace, and for you to know that no matter what happens, He loves you and the baby, and that one way or another… you will hold your baby in your arms. God Bless you ,Janice.
Karen says
I have never been to your blog before, I just happened upon it from another blog..I am usaually just a lurker but after reading your post I felt very strong to share. I too Have experience the loss of 2 babies by misscage. And it is a terrible tifficult loss,
It is not only for the fetus that you carry, but of the dreams of that 6 year old that 12 year old, It is like you can see them at all stages of life. And you feel loss of what was yet to come….. A few Days after my last one 6 years ago God gave me this poem one night. No thought went into it it just flowed from my mind in minutes………..and with it came peace. I hope it will you too.
6 years years and two healthy children.later.. I sill think about my other two chilren….and Looking back i would go through it all over again………not because it was fun.not because it hurt so intencely, But because I did give them LIFE………..Eternal life,,,,,,,,,And that is what our goals as christians is. with all man kind, but more passionately our children ..our ultimate goal for them is to spend eternity with our savior…..they are there……May be things that have given me peace is a different way of looking at it………….but just think ………My babies never shead a tear, they never felt fear…………..and the many disapontments that life brings us .God needs them more tha us and they are his..
But oh the antisipation of reuniting with them in heaven.. what a glorious day to standbefore the King and Run in that field of Dasies with our children…..
I woul like to share it in hopes that you too will find peace for your past loss and that the hope might cont. for this child.
In a field of Daisies
You will run.
In the land
of the Father and the Son.
For only a brief moment
you were mine,
But in Heaven
you will forever shine.
Thought I never held
you in my arms
or saw your sweet face,
The love I felt for you
was that of Gods Wonderous grace.
For now I say good-bye,
Until the day I hold you in the sky.
Forever I will love you.
I will miss you everyday.
But in the daisies
You will Forever play.
Meet you in the daisies Janice as we celbrate our children to specail to ever had to experience the bad that lies all arond use…….I will be continue to follow on you journey
I Christ.. All things are [email protected]@@
I just got of working night shift and my tired eye can no
t focus will Thank ou for honestly…………..praer n prgres
Paulette1958 says
Janice,
You are in my prayers, please know we are here for you. I will put you and the baby on my prayer list in Sunday school today. I have been where you are at and so I know how to pray for you.
Rest in His arms Janice.
cmhl says
praying for you girl– I have been through miscarriage before and it is a hard, hard thing.
however—– I went on to have two kids after a bad miscarriage, and each pregnancy I had that “I don’t FEEL pregnant anymore” and was convinced that I had lost/ was losing the baby, and it turned out ok. I was just gun-shy after the other experience.
thinking of you and praying for you!!!
Adventures In Babywearing says
Oh, I wish I could give you a hug right now. I am encouraged that you have “surrendered” because you know it’s not in your hands- it’s in His. I am hoping to hear a good report. You know anything and everything is possible with God. He is the great Comforter and Healer.
Love,
Steph
Melissa R. Garrett says
hoping and praying with all my might . . .
Toni says
(((Janice))),
I cried as I read your posts. Infertility has been present in my own life for years. When I was a moderator at Hannah’s Prayer.org, I met so many other dear Christian women who lived with the same grief and loss that comes with it (the HP ministry covers infertility and loss from conception through early infancy).
I will not be able to put this into words (which is something for a blogger, eh?) but I do understand the overwhelming desire for a child, a desire that is so very complicated and intensified when infertility or a history of loss is present.
Dear sister, I will pray as you are, that this little one is safe and continues to live and grow. If God chooses not to answer this prayer in the way that all of us are pleading with Him to, you can count on us to bathe you in prayer and support. I’m hanging on to hope with you though. Hanging on TIGHT!
Blessings,
~Toni~
Becky says
Still here praying for you, too. I am terribly sorry for your situation and I, too, hope that it is just a test of faith. Of which you have shown graciously. And, thank you for sharing this with us…I’m sure there are women who need to know what you are going through in order to help them through what they are going through. God Bless!
Jennifer, Snapshot says
Janice, I am so sorry that things aren’t well. I will share that when I lost my baby, God did prepare me in some strange ways (even though I had no symptoms), and when there was no heartbeat at the doctor’s visit, I was somehow a bit warned.
I am praying for you and the baby. I am glad that you feel free to share all of this. I know that your words will help someone else one day.
Carey says
Oh, I hope this pain is nothing serious for you. Im praying for you, and sending you gentle hugs. Hang in there.
Elle says
Janice, I’m so sorry to hear this news. I pray that God will comfort you explicitly through the truth of His Word. His promises to His children are our only foundation.
Candace says
Big Hugs!!! You and your family will be in my prayers!
Lisa - The Scrap Princess says
You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that your feeling is wrong and it is just a test of faith. God will be good to you and your little baby. Big hugs, Lisa
Robyn says
I do hope you are wrong, I’m praying for you. I’ve been in that horrible limbo where you don’t know yet if things are ok or not, and its so hard to pray hoping against hope and all the while try to prepare for the worst just in case. i hope you only get good news and in the meantime PEACE be with you.
Alida Sharp says
my prayers are with you! May God give you comfort and may you continously feel His hands on you.
kailani says
I am so sorry. My prayers are with you and your family.
YoungMommy says
My heart goes out to you… I am lifting you and that baby of yours up in prayer, as are so many others!.
Susanne says
Janice praying for you now! Hugs to you!
Kathleen says
Oh Janice~
My thoughts and prayers are with you
Hugs and Love
melody says
Prayers…peace…strength…hugs.
Jamie Bird says
I am praying that you are wrong! Instead of offering the traditional platitudes I hated hearing after I lost my own, I will just send a big hug your way!
jessica says
I am soooo sorry that you are having to go through this! I will be praying for you and your little baby until we hear more!
Blessed Beyond Measure says
Janice, I’ll keep praying for you til we hear what the doctors have to say. Praying for peace and safety for your little one.
Michelle in MX says
{{{{HUG}}}}
Kristen says
Oh honey… hang in there. You are in my thoughts and prayers!
ChupieandJsmama says
Hugs and prayers.
Magnolia Mom says
You’re in my thoughts. I agree with the others. As hard as it may be, put it in God’s hands.
Tamara Cosby says
Janice, I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could hold your hand and just tell you everything will be ok. I am praying for you…I don’t know what else to say other than I hope you are way wrong! 🙂 Hugs from Tennessee….
Angela says
Continued thoughts, prayers and cyber hugs!
Laurel Wreath says
praying for you (((hugs)))
Heather says
Thinking of you and praying.
christieo says
i lit a candle tonight at mass for you and your family. blessings, janice! you’re in our thoughts!
Liza says
my prayers are with you, and your baby…
Kilikina says
I’ll keep praying.
Barb says
Janice, you must try to relax and give it to God. He knows His plans for you. I so want you to feel better but even more so, I want you to try to not be so frightened.
You know I love you and you know I’m praying for you and this precious baby. Please, please try to release this anxiety and let God reveal His plan.
I know it’s a big job to keep this website going – let your sister and your friends help you. Please.
If there’s anything I can do to help you and Susan right now, well….just ask. xoxoxo
Sarah S. says
SO thankful you have what my friends and I call “that crazy Jesus peace” that is completely inexplicable in such situations. Thank you for being a testimony to His peace, while praying fervently for His power. Praying with you…
Karen says
You’ve been on my mind throughout the day. Continuing to pray here.
Gina says
I prayed for you as I read this and will continue to pray.
Karen H. says
Janice, I detest Christian cliches and simple “pat” answers, but Truth is true whether we’ve heard it once or a thousand times so I have to say – God is good and He knows what He’s doing in your situation. He will not allow greater trials to come into your life than is necessary for His purposes – His GOOD purposes – for you.
I pray somehow the Truth in those words will help you have courage to face whatever He brings your way.
Lauren S. says
I have prayed for you today and will continue to do so.
boomama says
Big hugs. Big prayers.
Liz (Looney Mom) says
Still praying. Oh I’m so sad for your situation, but God’s ways are not ours. Who can know the mind of God? You have a wonderful godly attitude about it though and like you, I hope it’s just a test of faith – one that you have passed with flying colors.
Judi says
Oh Janice….I am praying so hard for you and that precious baby. I know how much this baby must mean to you. Sending you (((BIG HUGS))) and many, many prayers.
Jenna says
Continued prayers.
Mindy says
*hugs* praying here in Texas. I too hope you get to hold that sweet one in October.
Heather L. says
My readers and I are praying for you and your family, too. I know you want to hold your little one, but until then, God will do it for you. He is there holding that sweet baby and you.
Barbara H. says
Praying…..when is your next ultrasound?
Chris says
I am with the others, “hugs” and “praying”.
Laura says
((hugs)) Janice. If you need anything, please let me know.
MamaDuck says
*hugs*