A Bittersweet Easter

by Janice

It is almost midnight when I open the cereal cupboard to get a snack. I have been reading #maddie tweets and tribute posts all evening and my heart is raw and overwhelmed.

As I reach into grab a box of cereal, I see five little goldfish crackers sitting on the shelf next to the Bran Flakes.

My heart smiles for a quick moment and then shivers as I picture my sweet toddler Olivia, who is just a month older than Maddie, placing a handful of her crackers on the shelf and then closing the door. She is constantly tucking away her treasures for safe keeping. She is a toddler, full of quirks and spunk, just like Maddie.

I feel guilty for still having my toddler here, fingers full of crackers, leaving her goldfish trails. Why do I get to have my babies with me? Why is Heather’s baby gone?

Earlier tonight, I snuggled with my son as he tried to fall asleep. I was reading the LA Times article about the Spohrs on my iPhone. Jackson begged me to read it to him.

“No, Jackson. It will make you too sad.” But he wouldn’t give in. I told him, “It is about the little girl I told you about this week who died. It will make you cry.”

“I know it will. But it is okay, because she is with God now, in Heaven.”

So I read it to him and he cried as we watched the video.

“See Jackson, I shouldn’t have let you watch it. Now you are too sad.”

“No, it is okay Mom,” he wiped his eyes, as he swallowed his last few tears, “It is just so sad that she is not here anymore. But she is with God now.”

And then we prayed, for the Spohrs, for Maddie, for all of us — and for Easter.

Easter reminds me that there are no easy answers — for any of us. There wasn’t even an easy answer for the Creator. He had to suffer an unimaginable fate to save people who didn’t even deserve his mercy.

It is all beyond my understanding. The pain. The mercy. The plan.

But I will rest in it nonetheless.

I am grateful, oh so grateful, that because of His mercy, there is Easter. There is an eternal morning. Maddie is there. And because of Easter, we can be too.

P.S. Please visit A Mom of Two Boys for information on the service for Maddie and to find more Maddie blog posts.

And to help the Spohrs deal with their financial realities in this devastating time, you can send donations via this button:

Email Author    |    Website About Janice

Janice is co-founder of 5 Minutes For Mom. She's been working online since 2003 and is thankful her days are full of social media, writing and photography. You can see more of her photos at janicecrozephotography.com.

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