Each Month You Hope…

No matter how hard you try, you can’t stop hope.

I want to scream when well-meaning friends hand out the weathered advice, “Just stop thinking about it and it will happen.” Don’t they realize I can’t kill that instinct of hope? It keeps beating despite my attempts to smother it.

And each month I try to convince myself, “I am not pregnant.” But inside, secretly, I am hoping, planning.

The worst time of the month is those last few days. With swollen, painful breasts, I tell myself it’s just pre-menstrual nothing more. But I hope anyway. I count the days. I do the math over and over.

This morning I get the news as I step into the shower. I let out a little whimper and try to stand up as the waves of grieve crash in. I am grateful for at least ten minutes of privacy to grieve as I step into the steam of the shower. And I cry silently without tears as the hot water tries to soothe me.

I have given it over to God months ago. But it doesn’t feel like it. I know I am supposed to leave it there and walk in surrender. And in some ways I suppose I have. But that doesn’t stop the grief, the loss I feel every month as a new hope dies. Each month it seems I lose a new baby. Each month the chance of meeting that new life is gone again.

I finish my shower, get dressed and go downstairs. I don’t feel too sorry for myself. How can I? I am so lucky. My sweet son is waiting for me. His eyes light up as I come in the room and he asks me to play with him.

I am a mother and I am so very, very grateful.


Comments

  1. says

    You are a wonderful mother and I am so proud to call you friend! I am thankful for the relationship that Christ has formed between us and the doors he continues to open!

    I cant relate to infertility, but I will say that you are in my prayers and that I pray that His perfect will is completed, whatever that may be..

    -Heather

  2. says

    Oh, sweetie. I remember when I was first married that I cried every month, too. 14 months later I had my first. Now I have four. I know it will happen for you, too!

  3. says

    Janice,
    Even at 46 if I am a little late I get my hopes up. I have planned names so many times. I love my four, I would have loved a fifth. God’s blessing on you and yours.

  4. kelly jeanie says

    This post…I am there with you. I had to see a doctor to get pregnant with my now 18 month-old but that hope is still there, every month. I too feel so blessed to have my little boy, but…but. Thank you for articulating this so well.

  5. says

    I remember those days. We went through five years of constantly trying to get pregnant/stay pregnant after losing two babies.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. Your post blessed me.

    By the way—I’m now in the season of my life where it feels so good to just enjoy my kids and not be obsessed about having another one. (not saying that you are…I just remember how I felt). Now it almost seems bittersweet…everyone told me I’d know when I was done, that you would just feel it, and I thought they were crazy. But it really is true.

  6. says

    I remember those moments. When Girlie Girl turned 1 we tried every month for 2 years. It was a very difficult time for us. I was pretty sure that GG was going to be an only child. Then by some miracle, Baby Bug was concieved. Don’t stop the hope.

  7. says

    your post touched my heart deeply.

    my mom had my brother and i and then she had alot of trouble getting pregnant. she lost twins and then she lost another baby. and then she didnt get pregnant. and then when i was 12 years old she got pregnant. and again when i was 14 years old.

    my baby sisters were like my own babies. except no labor. and no stretch marks.

    i’m thinking about you. love you. xo

  8. says

    I know what it’s like to go through what you’re going through right now, and as I’ve been with other friends as , they’ve gone through treatment, it’s such a roller coaster of hopes and dreams.
    Thank you for sharing your heart with us all.

  9. Susan says

    On behalf of Janice, I thank you all so much for your kind words. She has gone away for the weekend, but she’ll love to read your comments and visit all your blogs when she gets back.

  10. says

    Lifting you in my prayers, sweet sister.
    No, I will not give you any advice, because I know how it hurts to not be ‘pregnant again!’ ~ I just pray for you.
    You are right, you have Jackson, and what a precious child he is.
    (((hugs)))

  11. says

    Awww Janice. It hurts. I know it does. I went through nine years of infertility so I know it feels like a little death every month. I remember the things well-meaning people said to me and how it didn’t help so I won’t do that here. Just know that a lot of us out here really appreciate your honestly and transparency.

  12. says

    Janice,

    Lifting you up before the Lord today! My heart hurts for you! I can’t say I know exactly what you’re feeling in this area ’cause I haven’t walked this road, but I do know what it’s like to keep hoping and then be disappointed over and over. I do know, though, that God has a perfect plan for You and perfect timing and I will be praying that that is revealed to you as He sees fit. And may you be strengthened to know others are uplifting you!

    {{{{Hugs}}}}
    Susanne

  13. says

    Wow – I feel so loved and cared for!! Thanks you so much for all your love and prayers!

    I am cautious about talking about my fertility issues considering I am so blessed to have one child and so many women never even get to have one! But I also wanted to be honest about what I am going through. To know that you are all sending prayers helps so much. MY sincerest thanks!!!

  14. says

    Thanks so much for sharing. And I just remember it seeming like everyone around me could just say the word “pregnant” and be so, while I cried at the stupid single line each month. Hoping for you…

  15. says

    I’m there with you in the same weariness of the cycle of hope and disappointment. It helps me know that I’m not alone.
    (((hugs)))
    Twinkling for Jesus,
    Michelle

Trackbacks

  1. […] Now – I know that every single one of you is saying, “Girl, you are pregnant!” But trust me – I am not. (I have given up hope.) Besides my period is due in a few days, so it would be unlikely that I felt this bad this soon. Plus, I just know I am not. When I am pregnant, I know it by now – sore, swollen breasts, etc. Trust me – if I were pregnant – which I refuse to even let a glimmer of hope sneak through it is just too painful every month when I get the bad news – I would be freaking out excited. And yes – if that wonderful thing every happens again, I will let you all know immediately. But this time – I know I am not. I think I am just run down and my body is reminding me that I am still a sick person. (For those of you who might not know, I have long term health problems. You can also read about my health struggles in my guest column this week at Christian Women Online […]

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