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Why are bad moods contagious?
Why can an active (read: monkey) five year old boy make me crazy and ready to throw out my “non-spanking” beliefs for just one good, hard swat across his behind?
Why is it almost impossible to stop a bad day from continuing to disintegrate?
And really – WHY do I take my son shopping?
Yes – so went my afternoon.
I suppose it really comes down to that last question. Have I not learned my lesson? My son is a wild animal and needs to be free to thrash around in a field. Stand quietly next to me in the store while I try clothes on Julia? Hold my hand in a parking lot? Apparently that is asking too much! (This is sarcasm – please understand that I obviously know that my son is fully capable of behaving appropriately in a store. He just doesn’t always choose to and on days like this – I don’t choose to react correctly.)
So while my son bounced around the store, annoying the grumpy sales lady, I started to lose my temper. Soon it was officially gone, and I was raising my voice as I sat him down on yet another time out, while “watching” myself come undone.
The worst part was – that I knew it! I knew that I was losing my temper. I knew that my son was pushing my buttons. I knew that I should stay calm. I knew that I shouldn’t raise my voice. But today I did it anyway. Today I failed. I was a parenting failure and I knew it!
Then we got back in the car and headed to the second store. (A wiser mom would have aborted the mission and gone home – but my week is packed and I really wanted to get those errands done.) My son was still bouncing! Thank goodness he was strapped in. But as his silliness and naughtiness continued, I continued to get grumpier and grumpier. As I drove, all I could think about was Angelina Jolie and her children shopping hand in hand, the store ladies reporting to the papers that the children were perfectly behaved in the store. (Thank the Lord I am not famous and no one is taking notes on our shopping trips!)
Susan read this fabulous parenting book called, Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years. She began implementing the techniques with Jackson and it worked wonders. I started reading it too and it is awesome! Absolutely brilliant.
But today, I ignored everything I learned. Today I reacted. Today I failed. By the time we got in the house tonight, I had raised my voice numerous times – yes I had actually yelled at my son – and had completely disappointed myself.
At one point when we were driving home from the store (it was about a twenty minute drive) Jackson was entertaining Julia by making very loud screeching noises (she does her little toddler squeal and he reciprocates!) I lost it. (I had already asked him twice to stop screeching.) I yelled, “Jackson – no more. I want you to be quiet. No talking – nothing! Mommy is angry and she needs a time out. I want you to sit still and be quiet.” In the rear view mirror, I saw his shocked face. I suppose this time he was temporarily stunned into submission. At one point I heard a little whimper, “I want to talk.” I replied, “No – Mommy does not want to talk right now. Mommy needs some quiet time.”
After sending him directly to his room for a time out when we got home, I was able to get my temper back under control. We actually had a decent evening even as I scrambled to make dinner and feed him and Julia. But the whole time I had this heavy, aching heart. I hate it when I am a bad mom. I hate it when I lose it and raise my voice.
So tonight, when I finally get to curl up in bed, I think I will bring that book with me and try to “refresh” my memory of how I should have reacted to a boisterous five year old boy who knows how to push his mom’s buttons.
Have you had those days too? Please tell me I am not the only parenting failure out here.
What do you do when your day and your temper are unraveling? How do you reclaim your calm?
Billie says
I love Parenting with love and logic and I have melt downs and I too feel like I failed and I hate it. I have taken the class 6 times and I am reading the book and on April 18th I am starting the new class. anyway chin up girl you are not alone.
MommaBlogger says
I have these days the worst when I’m pregnant (dh calls me a pregosaurus, and I really feel like one some days). I have to yell sometimes just to get over the roaring volume of my 5 kids, and sometimes I get a little nutsy, too. My best calmer is to start singing church songs, loudly. After awhile I find myself pretty amusing, which makes me laugh, which calms me down a bit. I also try to get away from the kids for a few minutes of quiet, which helps me regain control of my scrambled brains. We’re still working on obedience issues with the older kids, but the younger ones just don’t understand yet, and probably won’t for a while so there’s not much I can do there.
I think I’ll have to check that book out though, it looks interesting.
Janice (5 Minutes for Mom) says
Oh – you all are so wonderful! Boy does it help to have mommy-friends!!!! I really didn’t know whether or not to publish this post. I read it to my mom before I hit publish and asked her if she thought you all would think I was a horrible mother! She laughed. So I posted it!
Isela – your kids sound like Jackson and Julia. Julia will sit still, read books and be calm. Jackson – well he came out of the womb dripping with testosterone and looking for trouble! – And boy isn’t it wonderful to watch them sleep – I truly do fall in love all over again! 🙂
Thanks again ladies – each of your comments really helped! It is great to get another mom’s perspective! Gotta love blogging!!! 🙂
Susanne says
No way are you alone! I’m just thankful with God His mercies are new every morning.
Heidi says
First of all, I too love that book – but I often need a reminder of just what it teaches! I have days like this more often than I like to think about – I always HATE myself on those days that I scream at my 2 year old. My husband will gently remind me that sometimes my expectations are too high. I’ll apologize to him after that Mommy shouldn’t yell – just like he shouldn’t. I tell him that I’m sorry but then I move on and try not to dwell on it. AND I make sure to tell him that whatever he was doing that drew out “the beast” is not acceptable and there will always be a punishment for it.
Anyway, that’s the short version – most of the time when I fail as a Mom at the end of the day I’m grateful to God for saving a sinner like me!
Gina says
I’ve got 12 years of parenting under my belt and I still lose it. For me, it doesn’t matter how much I know or read, cause I’ve read it all, but when my frustration and anger takes over, it’s hard to do the right thing. Thankfully, I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong (most of the time) and when I’ve wounded my child’s spirit by yelling or spanking, I try and build it back up by quiet reconnecting. It’s not the perfect plan, but it’s all I can do with 4 kids, three who like to push my buttons!
dexie says
I’ve definitely had those days too many times. So you’re not alone. And when those days come I feel like spanking my son but I usually just walk away and breathe. Fortunately he is old enough now to know things he love can be taken away when he’s acting mischivieously.
Ellen says
Sometimes I think my son is trying to drive me crazy, yes I truly believe this. But really, he is just trying to get my undivided attention whether it be good or bad. So far ignoring the bad behavior and rewarding the good has helped. It often takes having the patience of a Saint- one of which I am not. Taking a lot of deep breaths and separating him from me helps. We don’t say time out, we say we need time to calm down.
Isela says
You are definitely not alone. It is amazing how a little one can make anyone lose tempers. I don’t think telling your kids the way you feel (even if it is screaming) is wrong–if they are upsetting you, I think it is a normal thing for them to know. I think it is also a good thing for them to realize that sometimes they need to be quiet for five minutes and let Mommy think things through.
I have two children, one is 5 and the other is 2. My 2 year old, she is what we call the perfect child, she is quiet, she sits and looks at books and plays dolls. My 5 year old, well, he has been the way he is since he was born–he likes to push the buttons and he likes to see how far he can push the boundaries. He is our active little guy–the one who keeps me on my toes, hehehe.
Please–don’t think that you are a failure or that you failed simply because you raised your voice. It is just the fun of being a Mom. At the end of the day just remember to hug them tight and let them know that you love them and when they are asleep go and take a peek and fall in love with them all over again 🙂 .
Isela says
You are definitely not alone. It is amazing how a little one can make anyone lose tempers. I don’t think telling your kids the way you feel (even if it is screaming) is wrong–if they are upsetting you, I think it is a normal thing for them to know. I think it is also a good thing for them to realize that sometimes they need to be quiet for five minutes and let Mommy think things through.
I have two children, one is 5 and the other is 2. My 2 year old, she is what we call the perfect child, she is quiet, she sits and looks at books and plays dolls. My 5 year old, well, he has been the way he is since he was born–he likes to push the buttons and he likes to see how far he can push the boundaries. He is our active little guy–the one who keeps me on my toes, hehehe.
Please–don’t think that you are a failure or that you failed simply because you raised your voice. It is just the fun of being a Mom. At the end of the day just remember to hug them tight and let them know that you love them and when they are asleep go and take a peek and fall in love with them all over again :).
Crystal says
You are not alone…..kids are just kids…..they do stuff without thinking about the outcome….or just to see how red our faces get, either way works for them. I had two very close together (13 months) and there are still some days now as they are teeny boppers that I just lose my cool……I didn’t get the nice mild manner children either….I got the kids who would challenge every rule…..push every boundry every chance they got….(still do sometimes)….One thing I have learnt though is that kids…..just as long as they know they are loved……they will forgive any failure on my part……so I tell them I love them allot….LOL!
Blessings
kailani says
My daughter is actually pretty good when we’re out in public. It’s when we’re at home that she sometimes turns into a she-devil. Nothing seems to work . . . scoldings, time outs, threats for spankings, taking away tv priviledges. I have no idea what to do either.
Lori says
You are not a bad mother or failure at all! I definitely raise my voice when I shouldn’t. I’m sure we all do at times.
When I mess up, I go to the child I shouted at, and remind her what her wrong behavior was, saying, “Although you did xyz that was wrong, that doesn’t make it okay for me to yell. I’m very sorry that I yelled at you, and I’m sorry if I scared you. You did something wrong, but that doesn’t make it okay for me to do something wrong.”
I think sometimes we feel so guilty for our bad reactions, that we forget about the child’s wrong behavior, and that can be confusing for them. They still need to realize that they were wrong, too, I think. If we’re trying so hard to make up for our own behavior that we excuse theirs, then we’re not getting anywhere in the “training” process.
Just my two cents.
jen says
My friend it sounds like he was trying to wind u up.
Dont beat yourself up
Ure NOT a bad mom.
ive had many days like u had
parenting is a very rewarding job but at times it can be dam hard
Kara says
I’ve had those days too. A few weeks ago, my Toddler was making mess after mess and not obeying me. He’d been on time out it seemed like all day, and finally I lost it and yelled and spanked him. As soon as I did it I felt horrible and started crying and said sorry and hugged him. I don’t want to be a mom who loses her temper and hits (I grew up with that and know how it can affect kids, I’m still afraid of my mom). It is so hard to remain calm sometimes and do everything right, but I keep working on it and hopefully my kids will turn out ok lol. Thanks for the book recommendation, I need to check out our library to see if they have that.
YoungMommy says
I echo all of the others… You are definitely not alone!
Praying your day today is much better!!
Ruth says
YOU are not alone my friend. we are all in the same boat – battling the same storm. this happens especially to me when i am super tired. i don’t always handle it the right way. (especially when my hubby comes home after a long day at work. eep! but THATS another story altogether…)
love you
Jennifer, Snapshot says
Janice–Oh, gosh, no you aren’t alone! I was nodding my head the whole time I was reading. I think that I try to do what you said–get alone or send them away alone so that we can both cool off.
Thanks for the book recommendation. I’ve been meaning to read Love and Logic, but I didn’t know that they had one just for younger kids.
Jodi in Canada says
I think it is great that you told your son your were angry, needed quiet and needed a time out. Naturally no yelling would be better, but who are we kidding here. I have a 4 year old and 2 year and trust me I yell alot. And I don’t like it. I try to have a no yelling rule at all, because I find that once I start, thats all I do all day. But it is so great for your kids to learn that you are human too, that their actions affect you and if you tell your son no talking, then it’s better that than you yelling all day! This is also the time that I feel tv comes in handy!!! No shame in using the boob tube now and then to mantain your sanity!!
Janice (5 Minutes for Mom) says
Thanks Sarah S.!! 🙂
Janice (5 Minutes for Mom) says
Robin – thanks for your “volumes” 🙂 Not too long at all!!! 🙂
One of the reasons I don’t spank is because since my son was very young, his instinct was to hit and use his body to express his frustration. He has always struggled with hitting when he is angry and so I really feel that I need to show him non-physical methods of discipling. Plus the times when I want to spank are just me losing my temper! 😉 I have many friends who do spank and I totally respect their decision and it works for their families.
Thanks so much for your empathy!
Sandrab – isn’t it so great that we can come to the Lord for help? I couldn’ t make it through the day without prayer!!
Sarah S. says
The WORST is when I lose it in such a fashion that my throat is scratchy from raising my voice as a constant reminder about how much I lost it! I think giving everyone a time-out is a good idea. In the car, a no-talking time-out is fine, and at home, a separate room time-out is smart. It’s just so everyone can catch their breath! Yes, like someone mentioned, if I “lose my cool” I apologize to the child, letting them know I don’t like acting that way — and TRY to convey to the child that they didn’t MAKE me behave that way — we all have choices!
I think you did great under the circumstances. Cut yourself some slack, and do a LOT of talking to God about it!
Janice (5 Minutes for Mom) says
You gals are awesome! Thanks for the encouragement. I am hoping to have a MUCH better day today. So nice to have a fresh start each morning isn’t it?
PTLawMom – oh girl do I feel your pain! That is such a similar thing that would happen to my son! He is very particular about certain things – and something like me putting his lunch in the wrong pocket could totally make him meltdown. So glad you were able to stop and help him cope – but I imagine that was NOT an easy morning for you!
Thanks again ladies – and in the light of the morning, I can agree with you. I realize that we all have our bad days and like you said Stacey, a bad mom would not have wished she had done better. THANKS {{{hugs}}}
Sandrab says
You are NOT a parenting failure, because if you are, then I think all moms are too. I have had days like this too and especially if I’m trying to run errands and go shopping, I always end up looking like the psycho mom running after the kid down the grocery store aisles.
I’ve learn that for myself, I have to make sure to keep myself in check and when I know a day is going bad I pray really hard for the Lord to give me guidance and help me make it without a spanking or yelling.
It’s just part of being a mom, we ALL go through it, it doesn’t make you a bad mother, it makes you a GOOD mother and a loving mother because we care enough to know that wewere out of line or maybe a little too harsh on the kids.
Hugs,
Sandra
Robin (PENSIEVE) says
Jaaaaaaaaniiiiiiiccce,
Clearly, YOU are not alone.
You are not a failure.
And this will not be the last time you repeat this kind of behavior.
Funny, but I just wrote @ being a failure for a whole ‘nother reason (didn’t take my son to the doctor soon enough…his cough rapidly advanced from a raspy cough to (egads!) pneumonia :/).
Kids rattle us. The inherently KNOW how to yank our chains and our brains and render us a darker shade of ourselves than we’d like to admit is possible. They don’t do it on purpose, but they “know”.
I was a spanking mom; in agreement with a lot of what Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo preach. I know that’s a VERY personal decision, that in this day and time, is a very calculated decision, so I respect people who differ with me. My children (14, 12 and 9) totally understood the “whys” of a pop on their behind or hands, and done right and well, it resulted in changed behavior, and hopefully, at least in some cases, a changed heart.
We feel like failures because we disappoint ourselves; we do the very things we SWEAR we’ll never do (or say). But as our children grow into adults, we’re growing into parents. It’s never an accomplished feat, just a journey, an on-going learning process. We should adapt, flex and mature and change when necessary.
The most redemptive part of when I absolutely blew it with my kids (and they knew it), I’d go to them…humbly….and apologize, specifically telling them how I knew I was wrong, how I had violated them. By example, they learned to admit their mistakes (sometimes 🙂 ), and how to forgive. I don’t forgive quickly enough, so I wanted my kids to LEARN that skill and practice early. Does that make sense?
Anyway, didn’t mean to write volumes, I just hear you, your heart…and I want to again tell you……YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! You’ve got what it takes to ROCK as a mom, anyone who’s “heard your heart” in your writing would agree :).
amydeanne says
oh Janice!
I know alllllllllllllll about this… my #2 pulled my girls over in a cart at walmart last week.. the screaming.. the wild animal thing.. oh ya! I’ve got them all! It’s all over hear… and my temper… I don’t believe in spanking, but I tell you a couple of swats sure happened… and recovery.. I do say sorry for losing my temper and that I don’t like yelling at them.. and that I’m sorry.. I’m still working on how to deal with all this.
I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who “loses” it (though I know that doesn’t make any of us really feel better)…
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
(btw – over 1400 hits from the UBP!!! I am shocked!!)
Stacey says
Yep, I’m in agreement with the rest. A bad mom would not wish she had done better. We all have moments where we get overwhelmed for a dozen reasons, and instad of doing what our brain is telling us, we react. I have been there and done that, and it takes a strong disciplined woman to never step in those shoes.
When I find myself ignoring my better judgement, hopefully I can catch myself and not do what I feel like doing. Then I can take a deep breath, quote some scripture to myself, and then behave correctly. When I go astray then all I can do is climb into my Father’s lap and ask Him to forgive me and help me. I also talk to my children and tell them I behaved wrongly and ask them to forgive me too. I know mine are older, but I have seen my younger child deal with anger issues as well, so I know how important it is to example correct behavior even after wrong behavior. ((hugs)) It’s a new morning!
PT-LawMom says
You are so not a bad mom!! I went through a similar thing this morning – my son was having a complete meltdown in the car because he wanted to put his breakfast in a different pocket of his backpack (after I’d already asked him to pack his breakfast, he didn’t do it and I had to do it myself). I refused and he threw a fit the whole way to school. Took his shoes and socks off, tried to worm out of his seatbelt and basically just pushed every button I have. I finally had to sit down on the sidewalk outside of his school and hold him until we both calmed down. I could feel my blood pressure soaring as my temples pounded and my breathing rate increased. I had to try really hard to be calm as he screamed and hit and had his tantrum. He finally calmed down, but I have so been where you’ve been in the store where you really NEED to keep going and they are just refusing to let you with their bad behavior. (((HUGS))) You are definitely in this with the rest of us. 😉
Kari says
Hey look it’s me here to echo you are NOT alone…
With a adhd/odd (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) 4 yr old boy it’s a strain on the temper alot of times.
You cannot beat yourself up for those times when you yell. IT HAPPENS TO US ALL. What we have to do is afterwards explain to our children how that kind of behavior is not appropriate and didn’t solve anything, make a learning experience out of it for everyone involved.
It is so hard to be a mom. But it can be so rewarding.
Thank you for blogging about this so that we can all know we’re not alone.
The nice thing about bad days is they do end.
Ruth :) says
LOL – I meant you are NOT alone 🙂
Ruth :) says
Oh my goodness – you are most definately alone …. at least you and I have been in the same boat … me, more than once!
It’s so hard. I have a 4 1/2 year old – they so much want to have their independence – yet need gentle guidence – but oh my, some days it’s hard to be gentle isn’t it!!
This morning for instance, I knew within 8 minutes of waking that today was going to be a challenge. What do I do? Pray – and tread lightly.
Thank you for your honesty. That’s what so great about moms. Whether we admit to it or not, we’ve all been there. Thank goodness for the one who has the courage to talk about their challenging days – because I think we all gain strength from each other – and learn from each other.
Being a Mommy is tough work 🙂 I wouldn’t trade it for anything…. What I would like to trade are those days I lose my cool. That is a lesson that is hard to remember 🙂
Hang in there!! Thanks again for sharing!!
Ruth 🙂
Jennifer says
Hi Janice-I have had those days and one of the things that I like to do is apologize my daughter. I explain to her what happened. I think it helps her to understand that we are not perfect and it also sets an example for what she should do if she looses it. I also think it is perfectly appropriate to give yourself a time out. Sometimes we need quiet and we need the little ones to honor that.
Blessings to you-
Jennifer
Celeste says
You are NOT a parenting failure! Do not let anyone tell you that you are. No one is perfect, everyone that is human has a meltdown at one time or another. Jackson knows he went too far. The big thing is although you yelled, you DID NOT hurt him. It never hurts kids to know that mommies sometimes have to put themselves in timeout also. Yesterday was such a day for me. I do spank on rare occassions, yesterday was not one of thse days but I did have a meltdown and started yelling.
Was it a moon phase or something?
We are human and no parenting book can ever cover it all. It can be a guideline but not the be all end all.
Carey says
I have had to many of these days, and i am always upset with myself afterwards. I would like to go and be by myself for a few minutes when i get this way, but with four kids it tends to be hard. The hardest thing for me i guess is after school when the kids have so much energy they need to burn off, they end up getting on each others nerves..and mine, and then the struggle of bedtime. Being that my hubby works alot of hours, i am on my own with the kids most of the time, so escaping for some peace doesnt usually happen until after they go to sleep. But during the day when i only i have one at home, i am able to prepare myself for the evening routine, by having dinner ready most nights, household chores done, and one on one with my youngest done, so there is more time to enjoy with the kids.