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*** Monthly Feature Column ***
Positively Speaking
Building Assets in your Kids
November 2006 – Asset #2
Positive Family Communication
by Kelly Curtis.
It starts as a murmur — a question in the backseat. Responses follow, each volley ratcheting to a new level of importance.
And volume.
“You said…”
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes you did.”
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes you did.”
“No I didn’t.”
Yes, this is the unedited transcript.
Hello. My name is Kelly. And sometimes my kids argue.
I understand that arguing is a natural occurrence in families, but raised as a single child, I didn’t grow up with it. As the decibels increase (especially in a vehicle), a drum starts to beat in my head. “Boom, boom, boom.”
And I don’t always communicate that well when accompanied by my friend, Temper.
Search Institute has identified “positive family communication” as one of the 40 Developmental Assets, which means research shows it’s a characteristic of healthy, caring, resilient kids. The more assets youth have, the more likely they’ll resist risky behaviors in the future.
Search defines positive family communication as: “Parents and child communicate positively. Child feels comfortable seeking advice and counsel from parents.”
As with last week’s asset discussion, “responsibility”, we know it’s important to communicate positively. We know yelling can be abusive. We know it’s not okay for kids to use put-downs or call names.
Ours isn’t a Pollyanna world, so imperfect communication will occur, but as a rule, more effective families communicate positively most of the time.
But how?
One of my favorite books is the classic, Parenting with Love and Logic. I read it first when my kids were about two and four, but I’m rereading it now with a whole new perspective. And I can see how much I need a refresher.
The authors suggest parents use “thinking words”, rather than “fighting words” when addressing a child. Thinking words place the responsibility for thinking and decision making on the children. Here are some examples.
Rather than: “Don’t you talk to me in that tone of voice!”
Try: “You sound upset. I’ll be glad to listen when your voice is as soft as mine.”
Rather than: “You get to work on your studying.”
Try: “Feel free to join us for some TV when your studying is done.”
Rather than: “I want that lawn cut, now!”
Try: “I’ll be taking you to your soccer game as soon as the lawn is cut.”
And here’s one I need to practice.
Rather than: “Be nice to each other. Quit arguing.”
Try: “You guys are welcome to come back as soon as you work that out.”
Perhaps we can help each other with our collective parenting expertise. We’ve all had less-than-stellar communication days, but we also know what works in our families.
For this month’s “comment brainstorm,” please share an example of a communication technique you use.
Maybe it’s just a few words that seem to make the difference between peace and war in your household. Or perhaps it’s a behavior modification chart you used with your child.
Also consider telling us something you’ll practice this month — a goal you have in regards to family communication. Be sure to indicate the age of your child (children).
Thanks for joining us to build assets in your kids! I look forward to seeing you again next month for Positively Speaking.
by Kelly Curtis
Pass the Torch
Carrie says
I realize this comment is *really* late, but I just found this column.
I like the approach, and I too can hear myself in some of those examples. I am curious though, how “You guys are welcome to come back as soon as you work that out” would work when they’re arguing in the back of a car. Not to sound facetious or anything, seriously – my boys argue a LOT in the car.
Tonya says
I definitely need to read that book! It sounds so familiar that I may have read it at one time, but I apparently need to read it again if I can’t even remember.
I need to check to see if my Speak Gently Month is over and give the final $ amount. I already have a new goal in mind for the coming month.
Red Dirt Mummy says
This is so timely! We are working on this with our 4-year old at the moment. We are trying to get him to understand that yelling at his 14 month old sister for taking his toys or messing up his train track (today’s misadventure!) doesn’t achieve much at all and that asking us for help and explaining what the problem is will solve it much faster. We have also instituted “use nice words” and “use a nice voice” rules into the house too.
KellyC says
Thanks Susan! Enjoy!
Susan says
Yay… I just ordered the book through your site. I’m very much looking forward to reading it… It sounds great!
KellyC says
Excellent experience, advice and goals being shared here. Keep it up!
Pamela says
Good advice – maybe I’ll try it with my grandchildren.
Kids are so smart – though, so don’t be suprised if you hear the same “psychology” being turned around and used to their benefit. Gotta love those growing minds.
Christine says
Wonderful advice. Thanks for the book suggestion, I’m definetly buying it. That’s something I need practice too.I’ve found having them talk to each other and letting each other know how they are feeling, during an argument has helped, and I think this is a start to understanding each one of them feels differently about different situations, just as adults do.
Heidi says
Great advice!
I recently purchased their “Toddler love and logic” book and I love it! My son is 2 and he has responded quite well to this way of communitcating vs. demands.
This type of parenting is good for me because it challenges me stop and think and keep my emotions in check. While providing my son a clear boundary and a choice. I like how my son loves making choices (what color cup for lunch, nemo or a duck on your plate? etc.).
This month I’d like to work more on incorperating more of these into our bedtime routine. It seems that’s the time I’m letting him push all of my buttons. I think I’ll start with…”I’ll be happy to read books when you’ve put your dirty clothes in the hamper.”
Thanks!
Faerylandmom says
As for arguing, right now, it’s pretty much limited to fighting over a toy (my oldest kids are 3 & 2), so I usually just calmly walk over, take the toy away, and put it on top of the fridge for the day. They both start crying, and once they’re calm, I just tell them “We don’t fight over things in this family. It’s disrespectful.”
I’m also trying to teach my kids that if someone takes a toy away from them, they are to just walk away and find another toy, because toys are not important…people are. I realize this is not something they understand just yet, but I view it as my job to teach this to them as early as possible. Though they won’t understand the “why” for awhile, I can still be telling them the “why,” so it can be ingrained in their thinking.
I’m hoping that this will teach them that fighting in general is not worthwhile in any way.
If one of them wants a toy the other has, and starts whining, etc. about it, I will usually say something like “If you want a toy from someone, how should you ask?” They both know that they are to say “May I play with that toy please?” The other child has the freedom to say “No” as long as they are polite about it, but I always encourage them to share, especially if they have more than one. If it’s only one, I usually tell them they can take turns, which they usually do ok with for at least a few minutes. :o)
I definately need to work on those alternatives to commands. The “when your voice is as soft as mine” would come in very handy! Thanks so much for this article.
KellyC says
Since rereading Parenting with Love and Logic, I’ve found myself thinking ahead before telling my kids what to do. What’s something they’re going to want in a little while? How can I tie that into what I want from them? How can I communicate it to them in a matter-of-fact way, so it doesn’t sound like a bribe?
When I think before I command, it’s amazing how much more effective I am. My plan is to do more of this, as well as encouraging my kids to “work out” their own verbal squabbles. I need to practice keeping a distance, while secretly listening to their argument.
I’ve helped them work out their problems before, walking them through it. So it’s not that they don’t know how. More often than not, they do find a way through it, if I don’t enable them by responding to their harried requests I solve the problem.
Susan (5 Minutes for Mom) says
I just wish I couldn’t hear myself making those exact mistakes with Jackson. Since Julia is not yet 18 months, I haven’t yet had to worry about her arguing… but I know it will come sooner than I wish.
I’m looking forward to seeing what other suggestions everyone else has… I need to learn from all you more experienced moms!
And I’m definitely buying that book!!!
Melany aka Supermom says
I like those ideas. I use some of them but not all the time. Should work on that a bit more. It just makes sense