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*** Monthly Feature Column ***
Positively Speaking
Building Assets in your Kids
October 2006 – Asset #30, Responsibility
by Kelly Curtis.
My good friend, Bridget, is the kind of mother I aspire to become — firm, but fair, level-headed communicator, and patient in her high expectations. She exudes these traits almost effortlessly, like she was born with them. This is unlike me. I exhibit solid parenting skills only with focus and lots of self-analysis.
I remember walking into Bridget’s kitchen one day several years ago and witnessing her children, ages 3 and 4. One was handing over clean plates from the open dishwasher, to the other, who was standing on the counter.
They were putting dishes away, just like they did every day.
My initial reaction was, “There’s a kid on the counter!” But my attention quickly shifted to, “Oh my gosh, preschoolers can do that?”
They had a system that worked and while it would have taken Bridget a fraction of the time to accomplish this chore, she let them manage it on their own. They took turns on the counter, communicated with each other and got the job done.
I remember that being the day I started giving my kids more responsibility.
Search Institute has identified “responsibility” as one of the 40 Developmental Assets®, which means research shows it’s a characteristic of healthy, caring, resilient kids. The more assets youth have, the more likely they’ll resist risky behaviors in the future.
Search defines responsibility for young children as:
“The child begins to follow through on simple tasks to take care of her or himself and to help others.”
We know that giving children responsibility is important. It makes them contributing members of the family. And it boosts self-esteem by providing tangible evidence that they can accomplish a goal, even if it means a broken dish now and then.
But what, exactly, does responsibility look like? Until I witnessed it in the children of a respected friend, I didn’t know what I could expect in my own kids.
Here are a few examples by age, as listed on chore charts, like the one shared at Overwhelmed with Joy:
Ages 2 and 3:
Learn to brush teeth and hair, wash hands and face.
Dress and undress with some help.
Help carry in groceries.
Age 4:
Set the table.
Put away groceries.
Help plan grocery list, help with shopping.
Age 5:
Wash mirrors and windows.
Separate laundry into piles of white and colored.
Fold and put away clean clothes.
Perhaps we can help each other with our collective parenting expertise. Each family is different, as is every child, but a frame of reference may help all of us to challenge our children to new responsibilities.
This month’s “comment brainstorm” is to share one or two responsibilities your children have mastered, or a chore you’d like to add. Be sure to indicate the age of your child (children), along with the chore.
Thanks for joining in to build assets in your kids!
I look forward to seeing you again next month for Positively Speaking.
Pass the Torch says
I have learned so much from all of you! We’ve adjusted our expectations int he past month to include more responsibilities. Thank you for your collective help!
Tonya says
My children have lots of chores that they can handle now that they’re older: unloading and loading the dishwasher, folding laundry, feeding and watering the pets, dusting, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, etc. We took it easy over the summer and haven’t gotten back into the swing of things yet. I guess we need to get back on the chore bandwagon.
Christine says
I agree with Susan. I’ve found if I let my daughter know how much I appreciate her help, and know that she’s doing a great job at school too, brings a smile to both of us.
My son he’s 6 helps my husband out in the garange building things and emptying the dishwasher for me, keeping his room picked up, and taking care of his hamster.
My 3yo, she’s the cleanest one of them all, and she didn’t get it from me. She’s my duster, my clean the table off after dinner, and whatever she spills, she cleans up after herself, puts her clothes away and knows where my dish towels go. My 12 yr. old daughter is helping me with the laundry and does the dishes for me, not all the time, but when I’m in a jam, she helps me out.
This is a great way for me to see how other parents give their kids responsibilities.
SusanGaille says
My “baby” is 19! He does many chores, including ones I can’t do like lugging heavy stuff, mowing the lawn and vaccuuming the computer tower. But what I wanted to say is this: no matter how old your child, appreciation feedback is important and helps him see things in perspective.
We have just come home from a week away on a remote island. I emailed my son to tell him how much I appreciated him taking the time to follow my nitpicking instructions on how to care for my vegetable garden and potplants while we were away. He emailed back” Mum, you look after me all the time. It’s no problem.”
I love the way readers of Kelly’s column have contributed ways of empowering their kids to “look after” family members and themselves. Wonderful ideas!
Kailani says
My daughter is 4 and she’s pretty good at doing certain things on a daily basis . . . brush teeth, choose school clothes and dress herself, put dishes in sink after meals, setting the table using non-breakable items, clean up toys when she done playing with them, buckle her car seat, etc.
Red Dirt Mummy says
My 4-year-old son has a number of required everyday chores such as setting the table each night, packing away his toys and keeping his room tidy, and a number of “Mum-chosen” chores like helping carry in the shopping, watering the herb garden we planted together and checking that the dog has enough water. Lots of jobs like cooking we see as fun activities so he begs to be included and we work on his language (subject specific jargon like grate, shred, dice) and numeracy skills (like measuring) while doing them.
Overwhelmed! says
Well, thank you so much for linking to my post about children’s chores. For any of your readers that want the full list emailed to them, I’d be happy to do so.
Our son, at 21 months, does simple tasks such as picking up his toys after play, putting his clothes in his hamper, helping to carry in a small portion of the groceries from the car, “helping” to sweep with his toddler broom, and adding ingredients while I’m cooking.
I have the chores list posted in my kitchen to remind myself of tasks I can incorporate as he gets older. It helps!
Susan says
These are all such great ideas… Janice is going to have to start doing this with Jackson.
Janice and I really never learned to do chores as children. We were rather spoiled and my mom never really setup “chores” for us. I’m definitely going to try to not repeat the same mistake with Julia. But I really needed this article and all these great comment suggestions.
Already with Jackson, Janice and I are guilty of not giving him enough responsibility and chores. It’s amazing how we tend to repeat the errors of our parents.
Janice is away this weekend, but I’m excited for her to read this post when she returns on Tuesday. We definitely have to make Jackson one of those chore charts. I love it!!!
It is wonderful how kids have an instinct to want to help. Julia at 17 months loves to clean — she likes to wipe the floor and help put laundry in the washing machine. I need to try to keep that instinct growing through the years.
Thank you all sooooo much for your help!
KellyC says
This conversation is really getting good. It’s helping me to identify other ways I can give my kids responsibility.
Heather – I followed your link and the post is excellent. What a great way to keep everyone accountable in a visual way.
Heather says
My parents, both techers, knew the value of doing chores. Al three of us were responsible for much from an early age (though all of it was quite within our ability.) Part of our home education is to make sure our children have responsibilities and that they are ones that no one else will do if they “forget”. Each child has as many chores as their age. On their birthday they gain a new responsibility. Also on the average day, each child gets his or her own breakfast and lunch though on occasion Rachel, the oldest, prepares lunches for everyone.
The 8.5 year old is responsible for: putting away all the glass dishes, folding and putting away her own clothes, sorting her own dirty laundry, washing/drying/sorting all the family laundry, cleaning up any and all of her own messes, making sure she does all of her school work daily.
The almost 7 year old is responsible for putting away all the pans/containers, sorting her own dirty laundry (she often chooses to do the downstairs sorting as well), folding and putting away her own clean laundry, sweeping the kitchen floor, doing all her school work, and cleaning up andy and all of her own messes.
The almost 5 year old (birthday next week) is responsible for putting away all silverware (except sharp knives-which Mommy or Rachel puts away), school work, folding and putting away his own laudry, and cleaning up any and all messes. Next week we will make a ig deal about adding a responsibility, probably gathering and sorting his own dirty laundry.
We have a set of hooks and tags that give everyone a visual on whether jobs are done yet. I wrote about it here. It works really well and puts the bulk of the tracking on the kids instead of their parents, both of which in the past ha a hard time keeping track of wheather the jobs were done.
meredith says
This is such timely information right now, Kelly. I needed this!
Karmyn R says
I never would have imagined letting my 3 year old put away dishes! She does set the table on occasion and of course, she has to put toys away. However – my 5 year old son is expected to make his own bed in the morning, feed the dogs every afternoon, and do one “help-out-chore” of my choosing a day (which normally ends up being him helping his sister pick up her toys).
If you talk to an elder (someone in their 70’s-80’s) the responsibilities they had at 4 or 5 were much greater than todays 4/5 yr olds! My father-in-law was out taking care of the cattle, alone, at the age of 6. That just goes to show how little we expect of our children now.
flipflopmamma says
I’m here to tell you, start them young!!! My daughter is 10, and HATES to do chores…I never made her do anything when she was young. It was always easier and faster to do it myself. With theBeast I have learned, and she will be helping out at a much younger age. (SloMo does help carry in the groceries without fuss, but that’s about it.) Of course as I’m typing this, her friend and her are cleaning up the living room that they destroyed without any fussing. Hm….
Pamela says
I’m going to link my daughters to this! And when the grandkids come to visit I just might encourage them to help grandma do some chores.
Pass the Torch says
I love this discussion! Keep it going!
Mary says
Really great tips Kelly! I didn’t know 3 and 4 yr olds could do that either, LOL! I am trying to teach Anna, my 5 yr old, the value of responsibility. For every good day (without major blow ups) that she does her “chores”, she gets a sticker for that day on the calendar. Instead of buying her things here and there when we are out shopping, she has to earn them. We have been guilty of spoiling her in the past, oops! If she gets 15 stickers in a month, we let her choose a prize for the month. She can choose to buy something, with in reason of course, or chose an activity with us. These are some of the things she has chosen, which I think is awesome. She values family time and doesn’t always go for the monitary prize :O) :
*Movie night with mom and dad, where she gets to stay up a little later and have lots of popcorn with honey *yum*
*Game night
*Park week where she gets to go to the park 3 days in a row
*Mom or dad night, where she get to choose a few things she wants to do ith one of us.
If she doesn’t get her 15 stickers (like this last month), no prize. If she goes over the 15 stickers, she can get a dollar store prize for each day over the 15. BTW, I let her choose a chore (outside of her normal “getting herself ready for school/bed” with out a fuss chores)… she chose to organise her closet meaning making sure it stays clean, and feeding the cats twice a day.
Ruth says
Great article! When my little nephew was 2 he began to want/INSIST on helping clean. He would wash the floor, sweep the floor, wipe up messes. He couldn’t yet talk – BUT he could clean!
Pass the Torch says
Cheri, great example! I’ll share one from my family also.
My kids, ages 7 and 9, do various tasks each day, but one responsibility is their morning routine. After I wake them up, they choose their clothes, make their own breakfasts, and brush their teeth, to make it onto the bus on time.
My 7-year-old typically needs more reminding than my 9–year-old. Their beds are supposed to be made as well, but they’re not as good at remembering that part;)
Cheri says
When my son was 8 we got a new (adult) dog. Since she was a smaller dog, and we lived in a safe community, my son was tasked with her afternoon walk around the block, including picking up the doggie mess and putting it in a trash can. We were amazed he willing accepted the responsibility, even showing other neighborhood kids the correct way to clean up after their dogs!