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*** Monthly Feature Column ***
Positively Speaking
Building Assets in your Kids
November – Asset #11, Family Boundaries
by Kelly Curtis from Pass the Torch
In last month’s Positively Speaking column I introduced a discussion about family boundaries and the impact they can play in child behavior. I regularly have the opportunity to witness master teachers at work, so I know how simple strategies can sometimes change a child’s interaction with adults or other children.
Search Institute has identified Family Boundaries as one of the 40 Developmental Assets, which means research shows it’s a characteristic of healthy, caring, resilient kids. The more assets youth have, the more likely they’ll resist risky behaviors in the future. Search defines family boundaries for young children as: “The family provides consistent supervision for the child and maintains reasonable guidelines for behavior that the child can understand and achieve.”
Parents that learn to establish these boundaries tend to raise children that can adjust in social situations. And those who consistently follow through with caring and logical consequences for children that choose not to follow rules, tend to experience happier family interactions. Here are some classic strategies for establishing family boundaries:
Find a way to say “yes”. Rather than saying “no”, consider responding to child’s request in a positive way, which reinforces your expectations:
- “I would be happy to listen to you as soon as your voice sounds like mine.”
- “That will be a fun game to play after you’ve picked up your room.”
- “I’m sure Jenny will be thrilled to hear you can play with her as soon as you’ve finished lunch.”
Ask questions, rather than scolding or making statements. When a child tattles or whines ask:
- “How do you feel?”
- “What will you do next?”
- “I wonder why?”
Use a “cool-down” spot where your child can gather his/her thoughts and consider what to do. Rather than a punishment, this can be a tool for a child to manage his or her own behavior. No more than one minute per year of age is usually recommended, but many parents experience success with the simple message, “You may join us again when you’re ready.”
How do you encourage your child to manage his or her own behavior?
Thanks for joining in to build assets in your kids! I look forward to seeing you again next month for Positively Speaking.
For more great parenting ideas, consider reading Parenting with Love and Logic.
Kelly Curtis is a Wisconsin school counselor and author of Empowering Youth: How to Encourage Young Leaders to Do Great Things. To read more about Kelly, please visit her Weblog, Pass the Torch.
Pass the Torch says
Great responses to this post, everyone. Thanks so much for chiming in. It’s such an important discussion.
Michele McHenry says
Oh, gosh. I chat way too much.
Sorry!
Michele McHenry says
Great advice for all parents to educate themselves with! Thank you!
My favorite thing is to make them think. “Convince me why this is a good idea or a good reason to have this, go there, or act in a particular manner” I would ask questions to get their minds learning.
It always seemed to make them stop and rationalize with me. (My son is now king of debates) And my kids would go to great lengths to find out the answers, especially when they wanted to prove me wrong.
Like for instance, I told my son about scabies being a STD. He disagreed vehemently. Can you prove me wrong? So he learned not only that it is, but, he found out all kinds of information on the subject just trying to answer that one question. So, now he knows that just necking..can cause all kinds of problems you won’t want.
Then you ask, is this the outcome you want to have happen?”
I wanted them learned how to know what the consequences are before they jumped into the water or did not brush thier teeth. It is only a couple minutes of your time. Sometimes depending on the subject, a day or too…but, it saves those uncomfortable couple minutes or days you would most likely end up fighting and arguing about anyway.
There are times, now that they are older…when they come to me with a problems and I start to ask questions on how their “problems” got started and what are the ways to fix it. They get mad sometimes. They say they just want me to comfort them and feel for them…not try to come up with the solutions!
My daughter was so upset about something one day, and I was going through all the ways it could be fixed and she cried and said “can’t you just feel bad for my situation and not try to solve it at the moment! I just want my MOM!” So…I guess I have to be sensitive and not alwasy “fix or find a solution” that moment or ask any questions…just love and comfort them like moms do, and worry about solving the problem later when they are ready. She actually said “can you stop being a business woman for two minutes and be a mom!” I felt horrible. But, she asked me the question that lead me to the consequence I wanted to have, and that was..I wanted to be the mom who loves and comforts above any thing else, first..then we can work together to fix it.
so, now I make sure they are ready for the questions and finding out the answers and consequences before I just jump in with a question.
This tecnique, that my mom taught me and brought me up with, teaches not only the kids…but, the parents as well.
Jill T. (The Well-Read Child) says
Wow…great post with very useful information. My daughter is still a baby, so we haven’t reached this stage yet. However, I’ve heard great things about Parenting with Love and Logic and know that I’ll probably be needing to use it sooner than I think. I used to be a teacher and found that many of these same techniques worked with my students. Turning negatives into positives, giving kids choices, and treating them with respect is much more effective and builds confidence.
Janice (5 Minutes for Mom) says
Great ideas Kelly – thank you! I love Parenting with Love and Logic – it is fantastic!
Holly Schwendiman says
I wish it were easier to remember to say yes over no more of the time but it definitely makes a difference for me when I focus on doing that. 🙂 I also noticed behaviors in my daughter that I know are a reflection of how she feels she is treated by mom and dad. Sometimes that’s a big “Ouch” pill to swallow but worth working on as well.
Hugs,
Holly
Susan says
I can’t say enough great things about “Parenting With Love and Logic”. Several months ago Kelly wrote about this book and I purchased it and the Love and Logic one for toddlers. I love them both so much!!!
Thank you Kelly!!!!!
Sara says
Great advice…I love the alternatives that you use! I’ll be incorporating them around here! Thanks!
Kathryn says
The positive statements thing is something I need to work on. Ironic considering how much I stress the power of words to my children, but I still catch myself being negative in my responses. “I will talk with you when your voice sounds like mine” is great in theory. But we have a drama family, and I’m liable to get a mock instead of a tone change ;).
melody is slurping life says
Good post. I pretty much handle parenting this way, and I like the “find a way to say yes” statements you’ve posted.
Sue says
Great advice and input, thanks!!!
Sue