Something to Do About Bullying

by Kelly

Kelly Curtis - Professional speaker, writer and counselor*** Monthly Feature Column ***

Positively Speaking
Building Assets in your Kids

by Kelly Curtis, M.S., author of Empowering Youth: How to Encourage Young Leaders to Do Great Things.

Now that school’s back in session, many of us who have personally watched out for our children’s safety over the summer, are left to keep our fingers crossed during the school year. This is particularly true with bullying – once seen as a “thing kids do”, but now recognized as a completely unacceptable behavior that’s expected to result in swift consequences for the perpetrator.

Search Institute has identified Safety as one of the 40 Developmental Assets. Research shows these are characteristics of healthy, caring, resilient kids. The more assets youth have, the more likely they’ll resist risky behaviors in the future.

There’s no perfect remedy for a bullying situation, and bullies themselves have significant needs as well. But the attention the issue has gained in the past few years has produced useful discussion about how to handle bullying behavior. Here are some ideas that may help your child.

STRENGTHEN SELF ESTEEM

While this particular buzz-word has been around for decades, few single attributes benefit a child like strong self-esteem does. This means that the efforts you make toward making your child a confident toddler, preschooler and elementary student, will pay dividends when they enter the middle school and bullying can become more of a crisis.

Bullies tend to prey on those weaker in spirit, so the more self-confidence a child possesses, the less likely they’ll become a target in the first place. Bullies are more likely to continue pursuing a child who doesn’t let the threats or put-downs “roll off”.

The victim needs to understand it’s the bully that has the problem.

TEACH SILENT BYSTANDERS TO HAVE A VOICE

If your child is one of the fortunate few who easily diverts the bully’s strike, he may be strong enough to stand up for those who have trouble doing so on their own. Simply standing next to a victim and facing the bully is sometimes all it takes to send them on their way.

A confident bystander can also go with the victim to get help from a responsible adult. The emotional support offered by one confident classmate can sometimes make the difference between a victim and a happy child.

EMPOWER YOUR CHILD – ARM HER RESPONSE

Sometimes ignoring verbal attacks is all it takes. If a bully doesn’t get a response to feed on, sometimes the behavior stops. If it doesn’t, the victim should assertively express that whatever the bully’s doing is not okay: “I want you to stop saying mean things to me.”

But children must report emotional attacks that don’t stop, or any physical attacks. Reporting is not tattling. Tattling is done to “get the other child in trouble.” Reporting is done to help yourself or another child to not get hurt physically or emotionally.

BE AN INVOLVED PARENT

When you witness bullying happening, model for your kids how to stop it. Address issues with children and their parents, on the playground, park or birthday parties. Be respectful, but direct and name the behavior: “Bullying isn’t tolerated here.”

Listen to your child’s concerns and take them seriously. You may only get one chance to hear the complaint before your child clams up from fear. Ask other parents in your network if their children have experienced bullying problems at school.

And seek help – assume educators are on your side and may not be aware your child is in danger. If the bullying is happening at recess or on the bus, your principal will want to know about this and intervene swiftly and sternly. If the bullying is occurring elsewhere, find out who is supervising the activity — a coach, a teacher, activity advisor? Also, your school counselor is trained — or can seek training — to deal with bullies and victims. He or she would want to help.

No one deserves to be treated this way. And with the proper tools, high expectations, and swift consequences, they won’t.

For more information on how to help your child, try these articles:

Bully-proofing: Dr. Spock
Tattling vs. Reporting: Guidance Channel
Types of bullying: Mayo Clinic
Standing up for friends: McGruff

What have you done to address bullying behavior?

Thanks for joining in to build assets in your kids! I look forward to seeing you again next month for Positively Speaking.

Kelly Curtis is a Wisconsin school counselor and author of Empowering Youth: How to Encourage Young Leaders to Do Great Things. To read more about Kelly, please visit her Weblog, Pass the Torch or follow her on Twitter.



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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Danna September 5, 2009 at 10:28 am

Great post! I have a 15 month old son..so it is a little early to worry too much about this…but as you said I can still start now teaching him self confidence! Thanks for the advice!

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Thanks!
Danna :)

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2 Cascia September 5, 2009 at 1:53 pm

My oldest has always been a target for bullies. She has learned self confidence through Karate. At age 12 she has her black belt. We’ve also told her to ignore the bullies. Although, sometimes she still has a tough time controlling her emotions. Thank you for publishing this amazing article!

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3 Bullying Help April 27, 2010 at 1:51 pm

12 years old and a black belt? Let’s have a reality check. She’s not old enough to ride her bike across a busy street.

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4 Kelly September 6, 2009 at 9:53 am

Karate – what an excellent tip! It teaches self-confidence assertiveness discipline and control all at the same time. Thanks so much for sharing!

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