When becoming a “Mom” isn’t so easy…

by Janice

Often it is easy – sometimes too easy.

But to a woman going through infertility or a miscarriage, becoming a Mom can be a cruel and elusive dream.

My twin sister Susan and I have both had our taste of the pain of infertility and loss. (Susan was infertile for three years before miraculously becoming pregnant with Julia. I got pregnant easily with Jackson, but since have had one miscarriage and I have not yet conceived again.)

When we started 5 Minutes for Mom we were acutely aware of the vast numbers of women who are excluded from this world of motherhood or who are struggling with miscarriages and secondary infertility.

In fact Susan wrote in this post, Mothers and Others Join Us:

“5 Minutes for Mom” is really for everyone… not just moms.
We want to give a HUGE welcome to all women (and men too) whether or not you have children.

We use the term “Mom” to include everyone who loves children and is interested in the types of things that generally interest moms.

We especially want to include moms-to-be and women struggling to become moms.

I had to wait over 3 years to finally become a mom and it hurt terribly to feel excluded from the club. For two of those years, I worked at home and was part of the work at home mom community. I called myself a “work at home mom-to-be full-time aunt”.

I found that all of the mom sites were very welcoming when I told them I wanted to join in the community even though I was not yet a mom.

So I understand that it can be hard when everyone uses the term “mom”. Please accept our apologies… we use the word “mom” because it is generally the easiest way to group together women who have many common interests.

But tonight I stumbled on a couple of great sites for women who are in various stages of TTC.

Mommy@Home linked to a site called Babes in Blogland which lists all different blogs pertaining to trying, expecting and parenting.

At Babes in Blogland, I read about a wonderful idea — a way to reach out to others in empathy — called Operation Common Thread.

“For anyone who has ever had a miscarriage, struggled with pregnancy, and all things infertile… there is a movement upon us that you might want to join. It’s rather simple actually: a discreet ribbon on your right wrist to signal to others that they are not alone in their struggles.”

As Susan and I joyfully show off the two children God has given us (and prayerfully hope for more children in the future,) our thoughts and prayers go out to the many women who have not yet had the chance to be called “Mom.”



Email Author    |    Website About Janice

Janice is co-founder of 5 Minutes For Mom. She's been working online since 2003 and is thankful her days are full of social media, writing and photography. You can see more of her photos at janicecrozephotography.com.

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{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Kailani August 25, 2006 at 12:57 am

I’m definitely going to check out that site.

I’ve had 2 miscarriages between having my 2 daughters. One happened when I was already 5 months pregnant. It was a very difficult time for us. But I believe that everthing happens for a reason and that it just wasn’t meant to be at that time.

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I know how hard it must have been for you.

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2 Mom2fur August 25, 2006 at 5:26 am

I lost a baby between my 3rd and 4th. It was early on, but I was still sad about it. I even named her “Juliana Grace.” I don’t know how I know it was a girl–just a feeling. My sil and bil (husband’s brother) had a baby after almost 15 years of trying. I love that little guy! Miracles do happen!

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3 Adventures In Babywearing August 25, 2006 at 5:27 am

How neat- I hadn’t heard of this site. I love that you can read other mom’s blogs at the same stage of life, with the same age kids, etc. Thanks for sharing!

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4 KellyC August 25, 2006 at 6:33 am

I feel so badly for people that want to be parents and haven’t been able. I was so fortunate to not have problems with fertility. Best wishes with this in the future.

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5 Kristen August 25, 2006 at 7:42 am

I’ve had two miscarriages and now luckily I have my two beautiful girls, but it is a tough thing to deal with. Thanks for sharing this information!

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6 Lynn Donovan August 25, 2006 at 9:17 am

Hi,

I am so glad to read about this site. I will have a resource for women now who need this kind of support. Thank you! Be blessed, Lynn :)

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7 The Pajama Mama August 25, 2006 at 10:18 am

What a wonderful site! Thank you so much for sharing it! After becoming pregnant at 18 I was broken hearted to experience secondary fertility once I was married and ready for more children. While I still struggle with infertility, I have adopted two beautiful little girls, both with Down syndrome. God had a path for me, even if it was riddled with heartbreak and miscarriage!

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8 Kristina August 25, 2006 at 11:19 am

What a great thing to share. Thanks for looking out for those who are having difficulty.

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9 Susanne August 25, 2006 at 1:14 pm

Thanks for letting everyone know about a supportive site!

Off topic but you’ve been tagged. Come get the questions if you want to play!

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10 Christina August 25, 2006 at 2:44 pm

That was a nice thing to say. I have 7 kids you know, but they didn’t all come easily. I had 3, then I didn’t get preganant for a year and also had no period. I got chicken pox at 28 and found out I was pregnant not long after. As if the high fever had kicked my cycles butt. Anyway after I finally had 6, I longed for one more. I got pregnant and started planning for number 7. Boy was I shocked when I went in at 13 weeks and found out the fetus has died at 7 weeks. The doctor told me this was because I was older and if I really wanted more kids I would have to accept the fact that miscarriage may be a part of the package. When I got here in Hawaii I found out I was pregnant again. I went in for ultrasound and found out once I again I had lost the baby. I didn’t get my hopes up but 3 years ago I found out I was preagnant, and this time everything went well and now we have Darrian. The point of my whole comment is you never know what God has planned and If I didn’t trust in his way I don’t know if I would of had the courage to keep trying and may never have had Darrian. So for all the moms out there or moms to be who may be suffering with infertility or miscarriage, know that it is not an impossible dream so hang on and God Bless.

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11 Tammy and Parker August 25, 2006 at 4:47 pm

I absolutely love the idea of a discreet ribbon on the wrist to let others know they are not alone.

My husband and I were always the type that couldn’t wash our underwear together or else I wound up pg. We could say, “We’re getting pg in November” and viola we were.

But something happened between my 5th and 6th pregnancies. I had about 8 very, very early miscarriages. I knew I had miscarried because I had had a positive beta and then would still start my period. After tons of testing the doctors shrugged their shoulders, saying that this happens sometimes. A year later I became pregnant with Parker. Slight shock after being told we couldn’t have any more! But he was definately worth the wait.

I will look for those ribbons. These women have my total support and prayers.

I’m going to look for those ribbons.

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12 Rena August 25, 2006 at 9:03 pm

My best friend has been trying to conceive for years. I’ll check out that site and let her know about it. Thanks for the referal.

Well, I’m off on vacation now, so will come back and visit again in a week. Hope you have a good one!

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13 Tammy August 25, 2006 at 9:18 pm

I had experienced a miscarriage in-between my two daughters. Even though it was early-on, it was still hard. I was an only child so didn’t want to have an only child…and yet I was already 38. I was blessed to conceive my youngest just six months later. But the not knowing before that time was tough…and feeling my clock run out.

My husband’s brother’s wife has not conceived after two years of trying and she is 38…I know it must be so hard for them.

Thank you for pointing out all of the wonderful links!
Blessings!

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14 Regina August 25, 2006 at 10:58 pm

Like so many of my generation we postponed pregnancy because we assumed it was a given, when WE wanted it. Not to be…After the expensive infertility route we finally found what our way was to be…If only sometimes man would just stop and listen.

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15 Julie August 26, 2006 at 1:22 am

I suffered with secondarily infertility (coupled with a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy) after my first child and it took over 19 months to finally get successfully pregnant with my 2nd. It was one of the most difficult times in my life and I packed on 70lbs from the depression of it (and I wasn’t small to begin with). I hope the support from that site helps others deal with the pain and the loss better than I did.

Thanks for sharing it.

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16 Chaotic Mom August 26, 2006 at 5:35 am

I’ve been told I was infertile. Since been preggers seven times, have three little boys, two deaf with cochlear implants and their own struggles. Even though I have boys now, the miscarriages still hurt me inside. The last was a horrible ectopic, and I’m not getting pregnant again.

I will definitely check out the site, even if only to lurk and read about others’ experiences. Even reading your comments on this post have been helpful. It’s hard explaining what’s I feel inside, but knowing there are others who understand the pain really helps sometimes.

Nobody could have ever prepared me for how tough it was to become a mom, then how tough it would be to live AS a mom. Nobody.

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17 laura August 26, 2006 at 8:11 am

great stuff. thanks for sharing.
i just blogged yesterday about my own loss.

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18 Brony August 26, 2006 at 11:15 am

Thanks so much for sharing.

I think you’d be amazed at how many people experience such loss. I had a miscarriage as a teenager. Then two later in life, when my husband and I first started trying, I had two. I never forget those loses, but I don’t hold on to them either. I count my blessings as I move forward. Now I have two handsome boys.

God works in mysterious ways sometimes. We need to learn to trust that.

My parents couldn’t have kids; they never did find out why. So they adopted my older sister and then years later, they adopted me. Perhaps that is why. That is what was meant to be.

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19 mommy August 26, 2006 at 12:12 pm

What a great post.

Thanks for linking to me.

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20 Ruth August 26, 2006 at 2:46 pm

thanks for sharing this.
your blog is a blessing!

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21 Karmyn R August 27, 2006 at 9:10 am

Thanks for sharing -

After I had 2 miscarriages, people came out of the woodworks to tell me they had one too – I think infertiility issues are VERY common. One thought that comforts me is that when the body miscarries – it is for a reason; a biological reason. Something was not right with that egg or sperm. Life is a miracle, but doesn’t always start out perfect.

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22 eph2810 August 27, 2006 at 9:36 am

Wonderful post, Janice & Susan. I am glad that you are putting helpful links out there.
I know that many couples turn to adoption if they can not have children on their own.
Lately I have seen a bumper-sticker aroun town that reads:
abortion, but than the letters ‘b’ anr ‘r’ are crossed out and replaces with ‘d’ and ‘p’, which than in turn spells adoption :).
Have a blessed Sunday…

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23 baggage August 27, 2006 at 4:05 pm

Thank you.

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24 marie August 27, 2006 at 5:34 pm

Janice and Susan,

Love your blog! I’m going to check out those links. Please stop by GreenFertility–we’re trying to be green and non-toxic, which in turn helps our fertility, and the earth’s!

cool beans,
marie

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25 Jae August 27, 2006 at 8:31 pm

I hate to sound cliche, but honestly, it will happen when it’s meant to. Whether that means IVF, or other means of help from the outside (as I would NEVER give a woman grief for how she conceived her baby(ies)), that is when it was meant to be. My hubby and tried for 11 months before conceiving our first – and then BAM!! 3 months post partum the twins were conceived. It just goes to show that sometimes, the universe isn’t READY for what is to come! ;) Seriously, I love that others talk and chat about this. And anything I can do to help, whether it be healthy living stuff, or sheer moral support, I’m here. :)

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26 Katie W August 21, 2007 at 4:37 pm

Hi Jae…

I just read your story about becoming a mom, and I just wanted you to know that it really touched me. I too believe that everything happens when the time is right.
My husband and I have been ttc #2 for 10 months with no success. These past few months have been really difficult and frustrating b/c I’m starting to think there may be a fertility issue, even though I’m very regular and had no problems conceiving my daughter. I read so many things on the internet that depress me, and your blog finally gave me the little hope I needed. I’m trying just to be patient and optomistic. Thanks so much.

Katie

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27 sharon ortiz March 28, 2008 at 1:16 am

well let me start by saying i know what a struggle of becoming a mom is like it took me almost half my life to become a mom im 32 and finally just had a baby my daughter is now 5 months old and i thank
god ever day for her it took me 5 years to have her i didnt get my period regular and it was frustrating going back and fourth to doctors to hear the same stuff there isnt anything wrong with u ure test are normal i remeber a visit i went to with my fiance when i just cried and said i will never be a mom i wont ever knoe that feeling but i can say mircles happen but not when u want them to its when god wants them to so dont rush it be patient and for all those moms out there who once felt like i felt i knoe what ure going through it hurts and u cry and i truly understand ure pain but keep ure hands in gods at all times and u will see he will bless u

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