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I have never been so shocked!
Last night, I was certain that the baby had indeed died. The cramping had slowed, but my pregnancy symptoms seemed to be disappearing. The nausea was improving and even my breasts were no longer sore (I get very sore breasts when I am pregnant – it is my pregnancy “test.”) I was just completely convinced that I had lost the baby.
I had a good, hard cry at about 2am, shaking my fists with frustration and grief, totally devastated that my chances of meeting my little baby seemed to be over.
I got up this morning and decided to go straight to the ER. I wanted an ultrasound to know for sure what was happening inside me.
It was a brutally long wait. I didn’t get to see the doctor till after 1pm. When I finally got to see him, he asked me, “What can I do for you?” I answered, “Get me an ultrasound and a D&C.”
I explained that my last miscarriage was a tedious long experience with weeks of waiting and then months of bleeding. I wasn’t up for it. This time, if the baby had died, I wanted a D&C immediately. He was a wonderfully nice doctor and said that that sounded totally reasonable.
And then I sat and waited. For hours. Honestly, I had so resigned myself to the fact that this baby was already in heaven that my prayers were now focused on a swift and safe D&C. The hospital was overloaded as usual, and I knew the OB was very busy. Getting my surgery tonight would be a long shot. But in case I got the chance, I didn’t eat or drink anything. I just sat in a hard, uncomfortable chair, in a long hallway and waited all day.
Finally, just after 4pm I got my ultrasound. I told the technician, “If this baby is alive, I will fall off this table in shock. But please tell me if you find a heartbeat.” And then I watched her face for any sign of life. Those technicians have some poker faces! Not a hint.
And then she said it, “There’s a heartbeat,” and she turned the monitor for me to see my little tiny baby’s fluttering heart. I burst into tears. Relief. Joy. Disbelief.
I practically skipped back to the ER, announcing to the doctor, “My baby is alive!”
It is still early. The baby is only seven weeks. I know things could still go wrong. But today we got unexpected pardon. For now my baby is alive!
Ironically, I got home and found a message from my doctor’s office asking me to come in. I guess she got my blood test results in and perhaps Friday’s ultrasound. I sure hope nothing is wrong in the blood tests, since it is unusual for them to call me to tell me to come in. But tonight I will try not to worry about that. I have had enough worry in the last few days to last me an entire pregnancy! But I must say, it is making me a bit curious. She doesn’t work tomorrow – so I guess I will have to wait till Wednesday. Why is there so much waiting in life?!?
Thank you again for all your prayers and love. You are incredible friends and I appreciate you so very much!!!
I am so exhausted right now. I only slept for four hours last night and it was a long day sitting in the hospital with no food or water. I am literally shaking my body is so tired. So I am going to go lie down. Thank you again and I will talk to you soon. 🙂
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