This post may contain affiliate links. Read my disclosure policy here.
When I first heard the story, I reacted cautiously. I don’t jump on bandwagons and I don’t want to take part in social media lynchings.
In a conversation with a friend, I even expressed concern about Jian Ghomeshi’s hasty firing from the CBC, a dismissal that appeared to based on anonymous reports of abusive behaviour, ranging from allegations of beating and choking without consent, to workplace sexual harassment.
Jian Ghomeshi quickly responded with a $55 million dollar lawsuit against his former employer and took to Facebook to defend his “rough sex” lifestyle and allege that the accounts were the result of a former girlfriend of Ghomeshi’s sharing a “fabricated” story with a reporter and others “which recast their relationship as one where she did not consent to the sexual activity in which they repeatedly engaged.”
Without charges, without proof of wrong doing, did the CBC have the right to fire someone over what happened in their private life?
But all too quickly reports multiplied, painting a much more sinister situation than Jian Ghomeshi described.
This doesn’t seem to be a case of a vengeful ex-girlfriend, but rather a long history of abusive behaviour towards women, including workplace sexual harassment.
I don’t know if all the reports are true. It seems highly unlikely, though, that an increasing number of women have come forward to tell their stories, with hauntingly similar details.
The devastating reality is that most sexual violence victims do not come forward and do not report incidents to the police – and for good reason. Our friend Jill Amery, herself a victim of a violent sexual assault, shared her personal experience after reporting her rape to police and the years of torture that followed, giving us insight into why women are afraid to go to authorities after being violated.
Therefore, regardless of the outcome of the Jian Ghomeshi “situation,” regardless of his future career earnings or PR spin work, regardless of whether or not he ends up facing any charges of abuse, I think one fantastic thing has happened this week because of this madness — it is stirring up the conversation about abuse against women.
Just last week, here at 5 Minutes for Mom, our writers, Susan, and I had a conversation about our stance on the upcoming release of 50 Shades of Grey.
We all were in complete agreement that we will not promote the movie as we feel it has a dangerous message to young women that abuse can be a part of a healthy relationship.
I am not trying to tell people how to act in their bedrooms. If you want your hair pulled or you want to tie your partners arms to the bed post, feel free. If you want to go further into the acts of BDSM, that is your choice. It is not my business, and I have no opinion or judgement. As a consenting adult, you have the right to choose what is safe and healthy for you and your relationship.
I read 50 Shades of Grey and understand why people find it entertaining and addictive. But I read it as a forty year old woman, with enough life and love experience to objectively determine my personal opinions. Reading the novel was merely an interesting look into a world I have never been, nor plan on going.
What I am concerned about is impressionable young women – like the protagonist in Fifty Shades of Grey – whose early introductions to relationships include abuse and power games.
If my daughter were old enough, at only seven I obviously won’t be going into details with her about this news story, I would use the situation as a chance to have very candid discussions with her about relationships and how she wants to feel and to be treated. I would tell her that no one, no matter how powerful, should ever abuse her, especially under the guise of love.
On the other hand, my son who is just weeks away from becoming a teenager, is old enough to talk to about the story. This weekend, I plan on having a conversation with him about what he has heard and listen to what he thinks and feels about it all. I will tell him, just as I would tell my daughter, that abuse is never okay, whether delivered by a man or by a woman. I will remind him to treat women with respect and that healthy relationships do not include power games.
Lately, from music videos to movies, “rape culture” seems to be growing. I find this ironic, since in so many other ways, women’s rights are advancing.
To fight back against the assimilation of rape culture, we need to TALK.
Education and dialogue are always critical for change.
This week the Jian Ghomeshi’s of the world suffered a huge blow, and women took a step forward.
We will claim our rights. We will not be abused. And we will teach our sons and daughters that abuse is never permissible.
Have you heard about the Jian Ghomeshi story? What are your opinions on the situation? Are your children old enough to have heard or read about the allegations?
Written by Janice Croze, co-founder of 5 Minutes for Mom
Talk with me: @5minutesformom and Facebook.com/5minutesformom
Pin with me at http://pinterest.com/5minutesformom/
Kumar says
I really don’t like scandal news on anyone because it seems that news of the ocean, a lot of things in just one jar that’s why I hate it.
Bonnie Way says
I’ve heard bits of the story. I tend to ignore bad news like this… I get tired of how it gets smeared around and around and around. I agree with you about it, however. If it raises the topic of abuse, and helps some women come forward about what has happened, then it’s good. I haven’t read 50 Shades and I don’t plan on it, but I agree that abuse is NEVER okay, in any form. Thanks for sharing.
suzanne perot says
My feeling is that movies these days promote abuse towards women. Jimmy Carter has written a book ‘Call To Action” regarding the issue of abuse towards women in cultures around the world. In the 1960s, women were becoming powerful. I believe that there are many misogynists who want to keep women ‘barefoot and pregnant’. Women in record numbers are submitting to major cosmetic surgery and are anorexic because of standards set by men. Do you know of any anorexic men? No. The world cultures need to change and see women as valuable, not some commodity to be used by men. As long as women allow themselves to be abused by any man, nothing will change. Rather than be ashamed of what happened to them, they should be angry at the perpertrator, and not be timid about appearing in court, in front of MEN judges and telling the truth about what happened to them. Sadly, many women feel in awe of a male with power – money, fame or both. This ex girlfriend of Jian’s obviously did not complain about him until he wanted to end the relationship. What’s wrong with HER? I think Jian should not be judged until all the facts are in, and they are certainly not. Anyone, even myself, could claim that Jian abused me. Without proof, how can a court even consider convicting him of anything? Did these women take photos of their bruises? No? Why not? Did they go to police? Why? Afraid they would have to explain why they dated him more than once? I am not defending Jian at all. I just see this whole thing as one sided and biased against a person who may be innocent. This type of thing has happened before…a man or woman accused of sexual abuse, then later completely cleared of all charges. Many women are angry when jilted – hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I’d like to see this mystery girlfriend and hear her story. Until then my mind is open.
Forgetfulone says
It was a generic comment on a site I used to support but will no longer support due to your bullying. I stand by my comment that he SOUNDS LIKE an awful person. Do I know for sure? Hell, no. And I don’t really give a damn about any of this. GENERIC comment. You obviously don’t understand the concept. Go bully someone else, perhaps another Canadian who could give a flying flip about this guy.
Forgetfulone says
I have never heard of him. He sounds like an awful person.
suzanne perot says
Have you lived in a bubble, or what? Jeez.
suzanne perot says
Aso, forgetfulone….nice of you to condemn a person you have never heard of. Wow. Hope YOU never serve on a jury.
Forgetfulone says
Suzanne, I wasn’t condemning him. As I stated, he SOUNDS like an awful person according to the article Janice wrote for 5M4M. I don’t know if the reports are true, but I don’t like the sound of them. If you like the sound of them, maybe you are the one with a problem. As a matter of fact, I think you must have some sort of problem to be so rude to me when you don’t even know me or my situation. It was a simple observation in a blog comment, not a trial of any kind. I do not live in a bubble. I live in the US, and he is Canadian, so maybe that explains why I’ve never heard of him. I don’t know what kind of broadcaster he is or what his music genre is, but it’s obviously not one that interests me since I haven’t heard of him. Your comments were completely unnecessary.
suzanne perot says
By your own admission you don’t even know who Jian is. Look him up. Since you know zero about him and live in America where there are plenty of scandals I suggest you limit your remarks to people in your own country. The US supplies the world with weirdos. Jian is a well respected radio talk show host on CBC, Canadian Broadcast Corp and if you bothered to read about his situation he has been upfront about his private life, which he did not have to do, as far back as April with his employers, even telling them to expect what is going on now because of a jilted girlfriend. What I said to you was absolutely warranted. If you talk about someone, or gossip, be careful that you know the facts before you babble. If you don’t then keep an open mind and a shut mouth.
Natalie Anne Lanoville says
I absolutely agree about the JG part – I was harassed (not physically, thankfully) by JG and the rest of Moxy Fruvous back in the early 90s. But IMO the 50SoG aspect is a red herring. I haven’t read the book, but I really am not concerned about the possibility that the book would make ‘young, impressionable’ women think abuse is a normal part of an equal, consensual relationship.
The women JG abused knew that what he’d done was wrong. They didn’t come forward because of our current climate of victim blaming and cult of personality.
No amount of boycotting 50SoG will stop powerful feminists like Elizabeth May, Shiela Copps and Judy Rebick from defending abusers as they did with JG. It was our culture of victim blaming that did that. I’m sure all 3 of those women have issues with 50SoG also.
It’s not the victims who need messages. It’s the bystanders and enablers.
Dawn says
Janice, this is perfectly said. Thank you for making the connection to the phenomenon that has been 50SoG. I haven’t read it, mostly because of the critiques I’ve heard about the quality of its writing, but I, too, share your concerns about the message it sends to younger readers who may not have much relationship experience.
I’m reading a newly published book right now that is a fabulous resource for parents– FOR GOODNESS SEX: CHANGING THE WAY WE TALK TO TEENS ABOUT SEXUALITY, VALUES, AND HEALTH. I highly recommend it.