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My Son is Seven

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Seven years ago tonight, was the most exhausting and excruciating night of my life.

After a lifetime of imagining what becoming a mother would be like, I met that moment terrified.

As I wept and clung to the shrieking, bloody body of my tiny son, I understood both the euphoria and the terror of a mother’s complete and unconditional love.

Loving somebody that intensely was beyond overwhelming. I simply couldn’t bear it.

I was overcome with fear and passion for my new role as mother.

Because of some serious medical concerns, the first few weeks of Jackson’s life I was lost in worry. I remember just holding my baby and crying. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I couldn’t even enjoy him — I loved him too much. I was lost in post-partum depression.

Fortunately, my doctor quickly intervened and got me on medication and enlisted the help of my husband to give me a break in the night so I could sleep, (with the help of meds!)

When Jackson’s health scare was resolved and my hormones and chemicals were balanced, I finally got to delight in my little angel.

Seven years later, I am now the mother of two.

My daughter’s arrival was a completely different experience.

After mothering Jackson for all those years, when I gave birth to Olivia, I knew what I didn’t know when I first met Jackson: I knew that I could do it! I knew that the hard days always end and good days always come. (And I knew I needed meds as soon as that baby was out!)

I love being a mother. And I adore – completely and absolutely ADORE – my precious children.

Loving anyone this much still terrifies me — it opens me up to the possibility of unfathomable heartache. But I wouldn’t change it.

I am beyond grateful for that night seven years ago when my son made me a mother.

Happy Seventh Birthday, my sweet, sweet son!

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36 Comments

  1. Shoshana Bennett, Ph.D. (“Dr. Shosh”) is the author of Postpartum Depression For Dummies, the newly released Pregnant on Prozac and co-author of Beyond the Blues: Understanding and Treating Prenatal and Postpartum Depression. Her latest book Pregnant on Prozac will be available in January of ’09. She’s also created guided imagery audios that are specifically focused on helping moms take care of themselves. National TV shows including “20/20” and “The Doctors” feature Dr. Shosh as the postpartum expert and news stations consult her. Several publications including the San Francisco Chronicle and the San Jose Mercury News have written articles on Dr. Shosh’s work. She’s interviewed regularly on national radio and television and has been quoted in dozens of newspapers and magazines such as the Boston Globe, Glamour, Psychology Today, New York Post, Self, Cosmopolitan, USA Weekend and the Chicago Tribune.

    Dr. Shosh is a pioneer in the field and considered the “go-to” expert for postpartum depression. She is a survivor of two life-threatening, undiagnosed postpartum depressions. She founded Postpartum Assistance for Mothers in 1987, and is a former president of Postpartum Support International. She has helped over 18,000 women worldwide through individual consultations, support groups and wellness seminars. As a noted guest lecturer and keynote speaker, she travels throughout the US and abroad, training medical and mental health professionals to assess and treat postpartum depression and related mood disorders. She earned three teaching credentials, two masters degrees, a Ph.D. and is licensed as a clinical psychologist. She is working to pass legislation that helps reduce the incidence and impact of postpartum mood disorders.

    For more information, or to schedule a consultation or interview with Dr. Bennett, write to [email protected]

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  2. THANKS so much ladies for your kind words and wishes!!! You are all WONDERFUL!

    Megan – I love to be open about my struggles with PPD. We need to share and encourage one another. There should be no shame in depression and anxiety disorders.

    Ellen – I am so sorry to hear about your scary birth experience. Heading to your blog to read more…

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  4. We also went through a very different kind of scary birth experience–our baby had a stroke at birth (coincidentally, I just did a post the other day with advice for moms of young kids with challenges). I am glad Jackson is fine! What a beautiful boy!

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  5. Happy Birthday Jackson!

    Thank you for being so honest about your experience after having your first baby. I felt very much alone in my feelings after having Bub and am so glad people are willing to share their experiences.

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  6. Thank you so much for sharing this!! The way you shared your story was beautiful (and familiar when I look back on my own first birth!) Thank you for your honesty and openness in mentioning post partum. Have an amazing day! HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACKSON!!!

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  7. How Sweet!! Ali’s birthday was yesterday too – they share!!! My URL is her birthday post.
    Happy Birthday Jackson!!!

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  8. I truly understand! How fast they grow. I hold my 3 year old and 9 month old sons and it brings me close to tears when I think how much I love them and all the special reasons why!

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  9. Happy Birthday Jackson! My sister went through a postpartum depression as well. It took her over 14 months to fully get over it (with meds). I’m happy that you succeeded as well. Enjoy your family.

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  11. I remember those feelings when my son was born as well…. Happy Birthday to him, and congratulations to you on being his mom!

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  12. Happy Birthday!

    Our sons are 5 days apart, cool!

    Jackson was your first and Gabriel was my last of 4.

    Hope you had fun!
    Ginny

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  14. Thanks for sharing that — I’m due for our first in a few weeks and I’m excited to experience all the changes and feelings of such a profound event.

    Happy birthday to Jackson. 🙂

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  16. Happy Birthday to your son Life is like that I often told my son that she was the guine pig because after her I knew what to expect and how to deal with things but it gets no easier now that my daughter has a baby of her own things that she now faces I can give advice on

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  24. Ty, Sage and I are singing….happy birthday to you Jackson:)
    We love you lots little buddy
    Janice I came a cross a picture of Jackson when he was learning to walk…aaaawwww

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  26. Happy Birthday Jackson! My kiddo was born 7 years ago this month, and although my experience was vastly different than yours, it is still a day a look back on and treasure as I’m sure you do too.

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  27. Awww – THANKS Tiff!

    AmyG – it is so hard when illness complicates that initial adjustment to motherhood! Glad that things all worked out for you!

    Courtney – PPD is brutal isn’t it. So many life adjustments as a mom AND the hormones flooding our bodies.

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  28. Happy Birthday Jackson!!! Motherhood is the hardest thing we can do. God Gave us this job cause He knew we could do it! Your an awesome mom to two happy children and they are blessed because you are their mother!

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  32. Happy Birthday Jackson! I can relate to you on so many levels. My oldest, who will be 7 towards the end of this month, spent her first 4 days in the NICU. Her birth & the birth of MY Olivia were so different.

    I hope Jackson has a great day!

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  33. Happy birthday Jackson!!! Oh how painful loving can be. I battled PPD with the birth of my first son and although i have never heard it quiet described this way it makes since in my head that the fear of the unknown and the worry over my new job could have been part of the cause. It is just such a big job taking a life into your hands and knowing that you are the only one who can raise it right.

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