I am holding a little stick and it has TWO lines – and NO ONE is answering their phone! And I am not the kind of girl that can keep this kind of information to herself!
In disbelief, with the 2nd line just beginning to appear, I phone my husband. He tells me not to get my hopes up. Now I will give him some grace because I did say the line was very faint – and I did lose our last baby. But he is very much a man and does NOT scream like a girl anyway, so his reaction was far too calm for my needs.
So next I go tell my mom. Even less of a reaction. “Hmmm…” “Isn’t it great news Mom?” “Hmmm…” “Do you think I can handle it?” “No.”
Okay – I will give her grace too. She was the one that spent the first two months of my son’s life helping me do everything as I tried to cope with post pardum depression, a sick body and a newborn.
But girls – I need to hear someone scream with delight.
I phone Susan. She had just picked up Jackson and taken the kids to the YMCA. She should still be driving. She has her phone turned off. Good grief.
I phone my friend Dawn. No answer.
I phone my friend Crystal. No answer.
So what do I do now?
I call you!
So dear internet – let me hear a loud “girl” scream – cause there are two lines!!!
Now, I know I just lamented to you on Tuesday saying that I knew I was not pregnant. But you must understand, I was trying soooo hard not to get my hopes up. This has been a long season of trying to conceive. I lost a baby at the beginning of November 2005 and each month since then it has felt like a lost another one as my hopes crashed with that horrible moment I see that my period has come.
My son has cried and screamed at God because he wants a brother or sister. He has wept asking me why God has not given us another baby yet. “But you had one baby in your belly Mommy – I remember.” (Just so you know – I don’t bring up the subject with him. He does. I just tell him that it can take a very long time to get a baby. It took Auntie three years to get Julia and sometimes we don’t always get another baby. His response, “Well that isn’t what I want for my life.” He then closed himself in the closet and cried.) Just in case you are wondering – I won’t be telling him about this baby until I am showing and I can hide it no longer. Last time I tried to wait, but when I was puking in the kitchen sink and he kept asking why Mommy was sick I gave in and told him. This time I will be more careful.
Last month I was finished with trying. I couldn’t bear the disappointment. I didn’t even pay attention to when I was supposed to be ovulating. I thought that that would make me not hope.
It didn’t work. My hope was still as strong – refusing to give up despite my attempts to beat it down.
Period due yesterday. I kept going to “check.” No “news.”
This morning I peed on the stick.
And yes girls – there are two lines!!!
P.S. I know I could very well miscarry this baby. I know it is barely even there yet. But girls – you know I will tell you if I have a miscarriage anyway – how could I keep that from you?!? So I figure I will tell you all now because I need two very important things from you: First, I need to hear a scream of delight – preferably many. And second, I need you to pray that this baby gets to stay! …Thanks girls – a girl can always count on you all – as BooMama said – you all are the best internets in the world.