Campaign to Abolish Mother’s Day – Hilarious Post by @maryellenhooper

by Guest Contributor

Today, Maryellen Hooper shares with us her hilarious take on Mother’s Day. Maybe you can see yourself in her words. 

Mother’s Day was created in the United States by Anna Jarvis in 1908 as a day to honor your Mom. It quickly became so commercialized that 9 years later, Anna herself wanted to stop the madness. She spent all of her money and the rest of her life fighting the exploitations of the use of Mother’s Day — even getting arrested in 1948 for protesting against it.

I get it, Anna Jarvis… Mother’s Day stinks. Instead of a wonderful, relaxing, feeling appreciated day for me, it’s a day filled with guilt, rage and more work.

The day starts with commands that I stay in bed, pretending to be “sleeping in”. Never mind that my bladder is so full it’s backing up into my kidneys. . . I must not “wake” and ruin the surprise.  I lie in bed trying not to visualize shiny new toilets all in a row, while sounds of destruction are coming from the kitchen. Pots clanging, cups dropping, boy saying, “Oops, sorry Daddy.” Then I hear my husband whisper-yelling at my less-than-enthusiastic boys, “Shhhhh…don’t wake your Mother! Put down the Legos and help me make Mommy breakfast. You can play the Wii AFTER we give Mommy her surprise. This is your last warning…if you don’t stop putting the dog’s food in Mommy’s bowl, you are going into a time-out!”

My husband carries the feast into the bedroom followed by my boys whose bodies seem to be losing a fight with gravity. Their whining sears a path down my spine –

“Daaaadddyyyy, can we play the Wii now?”
“No, you may not. Tell Mommy Happy Mother’s Day.”
“Happy Mother’s Day, Mommy….NOW can we play the Wii?”

I eat my french toast omelet thingy in one bite then float to the bathroom.

Aaaahhh…alone at last. Or am I? I hear a faint sound in the distance but it’s getting progressively louder: “Moooommmyyyy? Mmmooommmyyy?” Closer and louder: “Mooooo-myyyy?” I don’t answer. Maybe they’ll think I left. I push my fingers deep into my ears and try to get to my happy place. “MOOOOMYYYY?”

Then under the door I see:

 

“Moooommmyyyy…Nate put his foot out and made me fall and he saw me there so he did it on porpoise!”

“Zeke…I said ‘sorry’ one hundred times! Moooommmyyy…Zeke’s telling on me!”

I take a deep breath…count to 10…then I yell:

“STOP IT!!! IT’S MOTHER’S DAY…STOP YELLING & WHINING AND START LOVING ME!!!!”

 

Silence.  The fingers disappear. Then I see:

 

Which is the other side of this:

 

REALLY?!!! Even the dog is whining under the door at me.

You know what I want for Mother’s Day? An hour alone in the bathroom. I’m not greedy. I’m not asking for a week retreat at the Poshy-Posh Spa. Just an hour alone in my own bathroom to regroup. To shave both my legs at the same time. To pluck, scrub, lotion and paint stuff.

I didn’t get that. I got a macaroni necklace and a store bought card forced-signed by my sons in Daddy’s “Mother’s Day Sweatshop”. I thought, “Maybe I can lock myself in the bathroom and eat the necklace when I get hungry.”

The doorbell rang. A very frazzled, sweaty man stood on my porch. “Happy Mother’s Day” he mumbled and handed me a bouquet of flowers without looking up from his clipboard. “Sign here, please.” And he was gone.

I’m sure an old fashioned version of this morning is what made Anna Jarvis snap.

I carried my flowers into the kitchen to find a vase. (sigh) The kitchen:

 

 

“Moooommmyyyy…the Wii’s not working!!! Help!”

I replace the batteries in the Wii remote and hand them to my boys. “Here ya go. All fixed.” Both boys fling themselves into my arms and wrap their arms around my neck slathering me with smooches. “Mommy, you fixed it!! Thank you Mommy! You’re the best Mommy ever in the whole world! I love you to the other universes they discovered and back.”  (sigh)

THAT was my Mother’s Day. That one authentic moment of love and appreciation filled my heart with joy and made all the forced, commercialized nonsense disappear. I hugged my boys tightly and took a mental snapshot.

 

 

Happy “Anna Jarvis” Day!

 

 

Maryellen Hooper is a nationally touring comedian That’s been on the “Tonight Show” and won an American Comedy Award.  Her blog, “Stinky Flowers” is a stand-up view of marriage, motherhood & life. You can also follow her on Twitter @MaryellenHooper



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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Cassie May 12, 2012 at 6:38 am

So true and I can so relate :)
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2 Too Young to Feel Old (Marilyn McCottrell) May 12, 2012 at 8:56 am

I think we all are shouting a collective, “Amen, sister!” LOL! So funny…:)
Too Young to Feel Old (Marilyn McCottrell) recently posted..The Right (and Wrong) Way to Do Mother’s DayMy Profile

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3 Beth - TheAngelForever
Twitter:
May 12, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Oh Maryellen, you are so wise! My husband keeps asking me what I want to do tomorrow. After the circus last year (literally), I am unable to answer his question. I think I may just send him this link as an idea.
Beth – TheAngelForever recently posted..A Preschool Mother’s Day CelebrationMy Profile

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4 edj May 13, 2012 at 11:32 pm

So funny! And true! Hang in there though…I have 3 teens, and not only did I get breakfast in bed (I went to the bathroom first too; no one was bothered) but they left the kitchen sparkling clean!

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5 Nolie
Twitter:
May 14, 2012 at 7:58 am

Love it. Funny and true. Every holiday finds me moaning about hallmarks demands for us to do x, y and z and spend tons of money. I actually had a fantastic mothers day though.
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6 Will May 14, 2012 at 5:50 pm

That was hilarious! My poor mom had to endure pretty much the same…bless her heart!
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7 Tracy Beckerman May 15, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Hey MaryEllen,
just discovered you here and decided we are sistas from another mother.. although your mother clearly had red hair and mine was kind enough to pass on the gene for large dimpled thighs. But enough about my cellulite issues…
happy to have found you and love your take on Mother’s Day. Let me know when you circulate the petition to ban Mom’s Day and I’ll gladly sign it!

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8 Lois McGlashon May 12, 2014 at 10:46 pm

It’s been a lot of years since my kids were that age, you brought back memories of underdone muffins, watery eggs, real crispy toast, but lots of love, eeven if it’s not how we would picture it!!

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