It’s very fun to introduce all of you to such a variety of bloggers each week! This week you are going to read a wonderful post written by Wendi of Miraculous Chaos. She loves writing and truly enjoys being the “stay at home mommy of three mischievious boys and wife to another one”. Her oldest son, K, has cerebral palsy. He is the center of much of her writing as well as a lot of personal growth and learning for Wendi. Her blog is very touching and inspirational as she shares from the heart. Enjoy!
As Mother’s day approached my mind wandered to all that it means to me personally, to be a mommy. Each mom has their very own menagerie of precious memories and stories as they reflect upon the right of passage from woman to mother.
It changes us. It challenges us. It softens us. We were created for it. It teaches us a new level of tired. We reach our highest potential embracing it. Becoming a mom for me was jaded with crumbling expectations. But in the way that only God can, He has stepped in with his redeeming love and turned my mourning into dancing.
I watch as my five year old son, K, steadies himself in his walker, and then takes a few shaky steps outside of the metal and four wheels that have made up the boundary to his mobility for the past 2 years. My thoughts focus on the year I became a mother for the first time.
K’s arrival into this world, 15 weeks earlier than his due date, made my introduction into motherhood traumatic, scary, and miraculous all at the same time. I still remember the chilling fear – mingled with the heartwarming and overwhelming love – that conflicted my emotions as I met my sons J. D. and K for the first time.
Their tiny bodies hardly seemed real, and yet they were very real and very mine. Weighing in at 1 lb. 12 oz. and 1 lb. 8 oz our identical twin boys were dangerously early and fighting for their lives. The heart break that followed is some thing that I don’t often allow to surface in my conscious memory, and yet it is always in my heart and mind. Mother’s day tends to bring the memories to another level of clarity. This is how I first knew what it meant to be a mom.
God’s strength alone is what carried us through the agony of watching our sons suffer sickness and require life support. Hearing the doctors predict K’s grim future of never understanding, recognizing us or walking, was comparably the “good” part. Clinging to J.D.’s lifeless body and finding the strength to let him go was beyond difficult. It was more of a breathless agony that if not fought off, would have swallowed me completely.
I am once again brought back to the present as our mischievous three year old, Jay, giggles wildly. That sound, which could melt the coldest of hearts, fills my kitchen. K tries to keep up with him and does quite well, maneuvering from his walker to the cupboard door handles, and every now and then stepping off on his own.
K’s bright smile and musical laughter clutches at my heart. K takes another awkward, but practiced step. His little ankle braces peek out from under the hem of his jeans. They are just another reminder of where he has been and how far he has come! “Mom, I’m dancing!” He laughs out the words as he takes a quick turn to the right and hums out a tune.
“Oh K, I can not even begin to imagine my life with out you in it!” My out of the box thinker. My cuddle bug. K, I still feel a deep ache when I replay those words in my mind…
My cheeks are wet now and the vision of my 15 month, Noe’s, chubbiness is blurred through my tears. A picture of health, our fourth son is a continuation of God’s miraculous blessings poured down on our family. As I prepare lunch for these three little people who have multiplied my worries and extended my joy, I am once again haunted by those words.
Words spoken to us by a doctor on a chilly winter morning five long years ago, “No body would fault you if you wanted to just remove K from life support and let him go. The brain damage caused by his prematurity is extensive and irreversible. It may be best for every one…” No, I think to myself, what is best … God’s best … is this little boy, so full of life who calls me “mommy” along with his brothers. I have three precious little ones here on earth and one in heaven who will some day be in my arms again. Thank you God for giving me the gift of motherhood!
Yes, that winter my life changed forever. I learned about two very deep kinds of love. Mother love and Father love. Heavenly Father love. He gave me a gift beyond compare. The title of mother.
~ Written by Wendi of Miraculous Chaos.
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