Empower Through Separation Anxiety

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*** Monthly Feature Column ***

Positively Speaking
Building Assets in your Kids

by Kelly Curtis, M.S., author of Empowering Youth: How to Encourage Young Leaders to Do Great Things.

I’ve watched the scenario so many times – a youngster that melts into a wail as he gets dropped off at school or daycare for the first time. It’s difficult to witness, and even more difficult when you’re the parent who’s “inflicting” the trauma by leaving him there.

Separation anxiety can be a serious issue for children, but typically it’s a normal part of development. Preschoolers with a healthy attachment to loved ones often demonstrate a reluctance to be separated from their parents. In many cases, it stops within 3-4 minutes after the parent leaves.

Often the key is to help your young child find a way to feel confident in him or herself, and learn how to integrate into new surroundings.

Search Institute has identified Empowerment as one of the 40 Developmental Asset categories. Research shows these are characteristics of healthy, caring, resilient kids. The more assets youth have, the more likely they’ll resist risky behaviors in the future.

Many factors can reduce the chance your child will develop separation anxiety, including a consistent routine, a low-stress home environment, and gradual introduction to children and adults outside the family unit. But finding ways to empower your child might be the best tool for parents to overcome a normal anxiety problem, during this huge milestone in both your lives.

Here are a few ideas.

PREPARE FOR THE DAY

Visit the school a few days ahead of time and introduce your child to caregivers before you’ll actually leave him with them. Make initial meeting short and positive.

At home, read picture books about “going to school” to encourage him to ask questions in the days or weeks leading up to the first day of school. Go shopping for school supplies and let him choose the colors he likes best. Prepare for it like it’s an adventure – and something you expect him to feel proud about.

SHOW CONFIDENCE AS A PARENT

When dropping him at childcare or school, stay positive, give a warm hug and leave. It’s critical you don’t give into your child’s emotional break down — matter-of-factly tell him he’ll be alright. Keep emotions in check as you leave, and if needed, follow up with the teacher later on in the morning, by phone or email. Be aware that your separation anxiety may be what’s causing your child’s.

Asking a family member or close friend to manage the “drop off” may avoid the separation drama completely.

EMPOWER YOUR CHILD

When talking to your child, acknowledge her fears, but don’t let her dwell on them – reframe her thinking toward the positive experiences she has there. Encourage her to take a comfort toy if needed, and to think about what her favorite character, or a “hero” would do in this situation.

Show her the clock so she knows where the hands will be when you’ll return.

FOCUS ON YOUR CHILD’S COMPETENCE

Encourage him to talk to family members and friends about the great things he’s learning at school! He can also help to prepare younger family members and friends for the similar anxieties they face.

If the problem doesn’t wane on its own, you and your child may both benefit from counseling to help work through the anxiety. Ask your school counselor for suggestions or a list of therapists in the area.

What has helped you to address separation anxiety in your children?

Thanks for joining in to build assets in your kids! I look forward to seeing you again next month for Positively Speaking.

Kelly Curtis is a Wisconsin school counselor and author of Empowering Youth: How to Encourage Young Leaders to Do Great Things. To read more about Kelly, please visit her Weblog, Pass the Torch or follow her on Twitter.