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Jackson is a bright child. While he sends me to the limits of my patience as a strong willed, intense and sometimes difficult to raise little boy, he is also intelligent and advanced for his age in many areas like verbal skills, reasoning, perception, etc.
But every child has his strengths and weaknesses. While Jackson at four has long ago mastered his alphabet and counting and is now reading simple words and doing small math problems, he is not as developed in fine motor skills like coloring and printing. Never being one to sit still, Jackson was not attracted to quiet activities like coloring. I didn’t push him to color and let him be.
Compounding the problem, with his perfectionist tendencies, Jackson avoids tasks that he doesn’t excel at. He gets extremely frustrated when he can’t do something as well as he wants to.
So when he attempted to draw a picture and he couldn’t make it look like the vision in his mind, he got upset and gave up. Mastering the art of holding and manipulating a crayon or a pencil is not his idea of fun.
So now at four and a half, he can not print or color as well as he would like, or as well as some of the other children his age. My heart broke for my little guy when he told me a number of months ago, “The kids make fun of me because I scribble.” Concerned, I decided I better try to encourage him to practice printing and tracing more at home to improve his skills.
Tonight as he worked in a workbook on a tracing exercise I tried to encourage him, “Good job Jackson.”
To which he looked at me and said, “No, it is not. You tell me it is a good job because you want me to feel happy, but other people will doubt it.”
I must tell you I was a little stunned (those were his exact words) and I have no idea what I replied. I want to encourage him genuinely – and I was. I could see that he was trying his best and that makes his effort “a good job.” But I also remember the feeling of disregarding my father’s compliments when I was growing up because they were too easily given and cherishing my mother’s because they were harder to earn.
I guess it will be a tricky balance trying to encourage sincerely, helping my son feel proud of himself, without making him feel like “Mom is just saying it because she has to.”
What are your tips for encouraging your children without having them dismiss your words as obligatory “parent” compliments?
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Mary says
I have a “sit down” with my 5 yr old, usually after I can collect my thoughts. Then I tell her I want to talk to her about something. I often share my childhood experiences (on her level, age appropriate and only stuff she can handle) and talk to heer about how I felt. Usually she is able to talk with me and share her feelings, even if just a little bit. I think it helps knowing that her mom was a kid once, too.
Holly Schwendiman says
It’s hard to explain how such “perceptive” children really keep us on our toes but you’ve done a great job! Having one a lot like this I’ve found the best success comes when instead of telling her something about herself I share something about me. Things I used to be terrible at, things I still am, things I’ve gotten better at, etc. I guess sometimes just knowing your’e not alone can be the best help fo all. ;o)
Hugs,
Holly
Here via the Carnvial of Family Fun ;o)
Julie says
have him practice cutting with scissors.. it’s more fun, doesn’t have to be perfect (you can get his to cut whatever he wants) and exercises the same muscles are those used for printing and colouring. It should help him improve. Worked for us.
GL
Judi says
I agree with everyone else on this about being specific. My daughter is the same way so I have to be specific with her as well. It really does seem to help. Now that she is eight she has turned into a pretty good artist and does very well with her hand writing too so maybe he just needs time and practice, practice, practice!!!
Jessica Duquette says
Wow, I know about that one! My daughter was coldly logical and realistic at a young age, too!
I think I read in a book somewhere that praising a child is the same thing as criticizing them. It is rendering judgement on them. We think of it as positive, but for them, it is critique. “if she says I did a ‘good job’ today, then tomorrow, I may not do a ‘good job’, what will she say then?”
I agree with the others who mentioned sticking to how YOU feel about what he is doing, (something he can’t argue with)or even say something neutral like “wow!” That’s the kind of word that he can interpret in a way that is comfortable for him at the time. If he asks, you can say, “do you want me to tell you what I really think?” get permission from him to be direct. Then if he agrees, you can say something like, “well, your S might be a bit more straight over there”, or whatever.
I remember when my daughter’s teacher called me in and said that he loved how Dakota was so feisty, but that it was causing a classroom management problem. He said, “I don’t know how to handle this, because she is like a wild stallion and I don’t want to be the one to break her!” I knew just what he meant. It really helped when I told my daughter that her childhood might not be the easiest time in her life because she came here with such a grown uo mind, but that later on in life, it would be much easier. She has told me that REALLY helped her.
I think you were given a real challenge with Jackson (in a positive way!) because God knows you can handle it!
Hey, I am on your team!
warmly,
Jessica
Mom2fur says
Hey, thanks for visiting my blog. You are very welcome! (And I sure wish I knew someone who could fish, LOL!)
Kailani says
I’ve been lucky so far. I praise Girlie Girl often and she believes every word!
Janice says
Thank you all so much for your helpful comments and insightful input – I really appreciate it. I will be more specific for sure in my encouragement and compliments. As well I have been talking to him about expectations etc and what a four year old can and cannot expect themselves to be able to do.
I have read and re read all your comments a number of times to try to make sure I don’t forget any of your tips!! thanks again! 🙂
Susan says
Wow! What helpful suggestions everyone… Janice is going to love the great ideas you’ve given.
I also appreciate it because since I look after Jackson tons I also need to know what to say.
Christina says
I have a similar problem with my 8 year old. He doesn’t like doing anything he doesn’t excel in. He has a lot of trouble with reading, but he is very good at art. I tell him God made some people scholars and some people artists, etc. I guess God wanted you to be an artist. That doesn’t mean God doesn’t want you to try your best in all areas, it just means he gave you different areas he wants you to excel at.
PS sorry I haven’t been around a lot, but I had a little accident. See my blog for the details when you get a chance.
DebbiDoo says
Point out the great things that he is doing. If you make a over all comment like good job, he catches on. Say something like “this line is super straight” or “wow you are concentrating so well”, “which line I like the best is this one, how about you, which line do you like the best” , and finally “I can really see that you are getting better with practice.” Try not to make a overall sum up in one word comments, be specific.
on the Rock says
Actually, I think his response in fact is showing you that he is not willing to build himself up through compliments. He seems independant of that need. Which to me means that he has a healthy amount of self-confidence and will hopefully always be focused on do what’s right and doing what God’s will is for him, regardless of getting the desired compliments or not. Your compliments do have an effect on him. One day he may learn to thank you for your compliments, but for now he’s just being strightforward, blunt and honest as 4 year olds mostly are. I hope I’m being helpful and encouraging to you.
Rena says
Wow..reading your post about Jason reminded me so much of my Kelan who is 17 now and still says things like “you’re just saying that because you’re my mom”. I always wondered what drove that. He also gets frustrated when he cannot do what he thinks he should be able to do and has perfectionist tendencies as well. When I compliment him..always sincerely…and he makes a come back like that, I simply tell him..”I wouldn’t lie about this”, and leave it at that. After some silence he’ll usually open up and begin asking questions about why I think it was well done or whatever. My daughter receives compliments with thanks but my son almost rebels against them. Very strange.
Nancy the Romancechick says
I remember my father told me I was pretty my whole life but I still have problems believing it. I always thought, “You have to say that, you’re my dad.” Eventually, that because, “You have to say that, you’re my husband.” Then, I thought, “Well, then who would I believe?” It’s a tough thing. I see my husband being tough (and fair) to our daughter to try to teach her responsibility (she’s 17) and I want to be the one to tone things down a bit and say, “Honey, give her a break,” but maybe it’s important that he’s tough so that when she does do well and he compliments her, it’ll mean more. Still, though, I see her not even bothering to try because she figures he won’t like it already. I don’t know where the balance is.
Domestic Goddess says
Instead of saying good job try saying “I am proud of you for practicing”. “I know this is hard for you, I am proud of you for trying”.
A way to help him practice with coloring may be to get pictures of things he is really interested in. You can find kids coloring pages all over the internet. I might be more fun to color (if you are my daughter) Hello Kitty instead of a truck.
Mom2fur says
Speaking of earning compliments, I know what you mean about growing up. My father wasn’t quick with praise, but I’ll tell you one thing…if he said it, you knew it was true! I guess it’s the nurturing character of moms to want to be kind. But remember, it isn’t like you’re saying, “ugh, that’s the worst picture ever” if you say what you specifically like about his pictures. And you know there is ALWAYS something good to find in almost anything!
Mom2fur says
Wow, never mind artistic skills–your son is Verbal with a capital V! Does he like telling stories? There are many kinds of intelligence. Tell Jackson that if everyone only excelled at drawing…where would our scientists and mathmeticians be? Who would write our books?You can show him works by artists like Picasso, who, while he could draw beautiful ‘realistic’ pictures, really showed his God-given talents when he did his abstract work. He drew from his heart, not necessarily from his head!
I know Jackson needs encouragement with his art. Instead of a blanket statement like, “good job,” why not specifically point things out? “Wow, I like the colors you chose.” Or “I like the way the sun is so bright and yellow.” Or “Look at how nicely you traced this curve here!” Get where I’m going?
Lynn Donovan says
WOW! What a brilliant child. You are going to have to be on your toes with this one. How fortunate for you. Keep up the good work!! Lynn
fivetimemom says
When my girls try to do something that they just can’t master I always say “Good job trying!” It is a sincere complement and it helps them feel good even though they didn’t do what they were trying to do….
Pass the Torch says
They’re wise, aren’t they?
I think the key is for your compliment to be specific and claim it as your own. Rather than “Good job”, try “I like the colors you’re using.” That way, you can’t be wrong. And he can’t argue with your feelings;)
My boy still has poor drawing and printing skills – and he’s in 2nd grade. We just try to gently nudge him in the areas he needs to improve, while giving him strokes for the other skills where he shows strength.
Kelly
Kilikina (newmommy) says
Wow, I didn’t mean to leave such a long comment. Sorry, guess you hit my point here….
Kilikina (newmommy) says
Um, I think I understand. If I can’t do it, I don’t want to try. I am afraid of failure. Although, I do fail at things. It is tough to have this outlook. This is a weird analogy but I WANT my house to be 100% perfect [like no dust anywhere]. We are talking wiping down baseboards, ceiling fans and more once a week. But when I write my list at the beginning of the week and I begin to clean…I realize there is NO way I can do everything I WANT to do on my list…so I decide to just stop. And I do. And my house gets messy. And the messier it gets, the madder I get. And a new week starts. And I do it all over again.
Sorry. I do not know how to tell you to encourage your child, except maybe teach him that he is setting his expectations too high. Unlike some kids who have no motivation, and no expectations children like Jackson have too high of expectations.
I think the better option, rather than complimenting (don’t quit completely) would be teaching him to lower his expectations to more reasonable. Remind him what most 4 year old can and cannot do right now.
This is not a professional opinion, or even a parent who has dealt with this…but another “perfectionist” who says that all the time to her husband, and her peers……”you’re just saying it because you have to….”
Laura says
I think thats a thin line thats very hard to walk. I know that I sometimes say “good job!” when really I probably should say “That was a good try”. There is a difference and I know that they can pick up on it.
As a homeschooling mom, its even harder for me. I need them to be receptive to my comments and criticism but still bask in the compliments as well.
Of course, peer pressure is of itself such a heartbreaking thing to deal with. How sad that sweet Jackson at only 4 years old is already made fun of by his peers!! My heart breaks for him. All children do things at different times and it will be his time to shine soon enough!
I hope this all made sense- I tend to ramble,.
-Laura