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Go Ahead — Ignore Your Kids

June 10, 2008 by Susan

This post may contain affiliate links. Read my disclosure policy here.

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Tonight I made a good parenting choice.

I ignored my daughter.

Just as I was serving out a kid-friendly, yummy dinner that I know from past experience she loves, 3 year old Julia decided to declare, “No food for me!” She erupted into a tantrum and ran into the playroom screaming and crying.

My patience was at negative 10, and I felt like yelling and forcing her to eat her food. But I knew that wouldn’t work anyway and it would take a lot of energy. So I did nothing.

I sat and ate my dinner without her.

Sophia stared at me from her ultra-saucer wondering what the fuss was and I just quietly ate my dinner. (My husband is out of town, by the way.)

Soon Julia began to move her tantrum closer to me. I assume hoping that would get a response. But still I sat quietly eating.

A few minutes later, I knew I had won. She changed her tantrum’s focus from not wanting to eat, to wanting me to pick up the food she’d spat on the floor. (Whenever she’s decided to end a tantrum she transitions to another issue which is more easily resolved.)

And yes, soon after my little munchkin was eating her dinner.

Success!

So tell me… do you ever ignore your kids?

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Cook!
Wordless Wednesday – Just a picture of my sweet boy

About Susan

Susan Carraretto and her identical twin, Janice Croze, created 5 Minutes for Mom in 2006. Susan loves all social media, but her top addiction these days is Pinterest.

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54 Comments

  1. The Gang's All Here! says

    June 13, 2008 at 2:36 pm

    Okay, just a stab in the dark here but what you are saying is “Ignoring during tantrum – good.” Mmmm, so does that mean “ignoring during my 5 Minutes for Moms – not so good?” 🙂 Now, I’M being cheeky!

    Good for you and yes, my mom and I were just discussing that very issue pool-side this weekend. I think we all too easily fall into the trap of responding every.single.time. I used to use the Dr. Dobson line, “My ears don’t work for whining or screaming” and it drove them nuts. But it worked! And I love it when it works!!!!! Sick and twisted Mommy that I am, I also admit only a little shame-facedly that I sometimes get a kick out of how it drives them nuts too 🙂 Ooooooh, cheeky again!

    Reply
  2. Lorissa says

    June 13, 2008 at 11:24 am

    Oh yes. Feeding a tantrum just makes them worst. Children need to learn that yelling an screaming are not good ways to communicate.
    Also, as a parent I think you have to learn to pick your battles. My daughter is turning three next week and the last 6 months have been full of tantrums and whining. We were finally seeing so relief from this behavior until we moved this month. But I know it has been difficlut for me to adjust, I can only imagine what is has been like for her.
    Thanks for the article. Sometimes I do feel like maybe I’m not doing the right thing for her, but now I feel much better about it.

    Reply
  3. Lisa writes... says

    June 12, 2008 at 9:06 pm

    Um, right now?

    Seriously, though, I do think it’s okay for the kids to know that sometimes–believe it or not!–there are other things more important than THEM!

    Reply
  4. willowsprite says

    June 12, 2008 at 4:03 pm

    Oh, the joys I have to look forward to….:)

    Reply
  5. willowsprite says

    June 12, 2008 at 4:02 pm

    Oh, the joys I have to look forward too….:)

    Reply
  6. Lisa C says

    June 12, 2008 at 2:13 pm

    That’s exactly the way to do it sometimes. It’s better to relax and keep your cool than to get all worked up. As you see, they’ll come around 🙂

    Reply
  7. Kerry says

    June 12, 2008 at 7:39 am

    We’ve been ignoring them when they get into sibling spats. It’s their fight, they can work it out – and so we ignore their cries of “Mama, (blank) (did such and such).”

    Reply
  8. Kisha says

    June 12, 2008 at 1:28 am

    My daughter does this every now and then. When she starts I walk away (when it’s safe) and I countinue with whatever I’m doing. When we are in public I tell her she needs to use her “big girl words”, that when she talks like that I can’t understand her or help, then I whine like she did.

    Reply
  9. Stephanie says

    June 11, 2008 at 10:20 pm

    Yes, I certainly do. That’s a great tactic – especially if used in moderation and in the way that you described.

    Reply
  10. april says

    June 11, 2008 at 7:41 pm

    Oh my have I ever ignored my kids when they throw tantrums. I have even been in the store when they had thrown a kicking fit on the floor I just walked away with an eye on them of course. When they realized I wasn’t watching and I left they got over it. I see people who make the mistake of explaining everything and giving in to their kids and well they are not the sweetest kids around-to put it nicely. And then thier parents have a hard time and say they are so done with kids. If they would only ignore them when they need it!

    Reply
  11. Sarah says

    June 11, 2008 at 6:55 pm

    Yep – ignore or remove. Lately what has worked for me is telling my 2 1/2 year old daughter that she can whine all she wants but not where I am. So I take her to her room and close the door and tell her that she can come out when she’s done. Usually it only takes a few minutes before she opens the door, saying “Mommy! I’m all done!”

    Reply
  12. jubilee says

    June 11, 2008 at 5:21 pm

    I had to learn early on in motherhood to ignore my babies crying when I put them to bed. When I knew they had been fed, changed, etc and they were crying, then I knew it was them fighting sleep and wanting attention, then I just ignored them. It only took 15 min of nail biting (on my part) before they calmed enough to soothe themselves to sleep. My youngest son was more of a challenge (as he’s repeatedly proven since then) and it took him longer than 1/2 an hour most nights. But we made it through and b/c of it, I was able to get to bed at a more reasonable time and was in much better shape to take care of them when they woke up.

    Reply
  13. From Dawn Till Rusk says

    June 11, 2008 at 3:59 pm

    Are you kidding me? It’s the only way I get through the day with my raging hormone of a little girl. She’s all shouting and crying and throwing herself on the floor and the minute I start ignoring her, she’s all perky and sweet as if those last 5 minutes just didn’t happen.

    Reply
  14. Tara R. says

    June 11, 2008 at 3:33 pm

    Absolutely. I have done EXACTLY what you did. Actually, I do it fairly regularly … I do have 3 kids 🙂

    Reply
  15. kelleythejewelrylady says

    June 11, 2008 at 1:26 pm

    Gosh, our kids must have been on a brain link last night… same exact situation… dinner tantrum over…ah, NOTHING. IGnoring does help form time to time… and this time for me too, it worked!

    Reply
  16. tanyetta says

    June 11, 2008 at 12:32 pm

    Great job! I love this and yes, I LOVE to ignore my son when he does stuff like this. He hates to be ignored. 😉

    Reply
  17. Susan says

    June 11, 2008 at 12:03 pm

    Thank you all sooooooo much for your comments! I love all the suggestions… especially

    #15 – Monica- Paper Bridges
    “but my favorite “technique” is to threaten to get out the video camera. that works like a charm.”

    And, yes I have to say I was very surprised that the ignoring trick worked so well. I will be using that technique a lot more now.

    Reply
  18. Erin Read says

    June 11, 2008 at 11:07 am

    Yes I do and I noticed the tantrums are getting less and less.

    Reply
  19. Alexia says

    June 11, 2008 at 11:05 am

    I ignore my boys all the time – I wouldn’t get anything done if I didn’t!

    Reply
  20. Dawn says

    June 11, 2008 at 8:31 am

    yup, I do – especially when there’s a hissy fit involved! I agree, picking your battles is a KEY ingredient in parenthood, and the sooner you learn it, the better 🙂

    Reply
  21. Tracey says

    June 11, 2008 at 7:47 am

    LEARNING TO PICK YOUR BATTLES AND NOT GIVING IN EVEN WHEN THEY SCREAM!!!! GOOD JOB!!!

    Reply
  22. Beth says

    June 11, 2008 at 7:29 am

    Yes. My 4 year old and sometimes his 6 year old brother will pitch a fit at dinner. “I don’t want that!” or whatever. Off they’ll stomp to their room, only to return quietly a few minutes later, sit down, and eat every last bite on their plate.

    Sometimes ignoring them is the simply the best move.

    Reply
  23. Kim Priestap says

    June 11, 2008 at 6:58 am

    Job well done, Susan.

    Reply
  24. melissa l. says

    June 11, 2008 at 2:23 am

    I think that it’s important to ignore them! They need to learn that the world does not revolve around them. As a friend of ours put it, “a child needs to learn that there are other people in the family, too.”

    Reply
  25. Kelly says

    June 11, 2008 at 12:40 am

    Well done!

    Yes, I ignore my kids sometimes too. I find a deep breath is so much more useful sometimes than anything I could say or do.

    Reply
  26. Katie says

    June 11, 2008 at 12:29 am

    I wish I could ignore them MORE! My newest thing is ignoring every little spat. My 1.5 year old’s new defense mechanism (for having a toy stolen to being undesirably picked up by her brother) is to scream at the top of her lungs. I no longer come running to her rescue. If someone comes to tattle tail, both get in trouble. (her brother for antagonizing and my daughter for screaming, which is a new no-no rule) They’ve been resolving many more of their own issues. Hallaleuiah!

    Reply
  27. Monica says

    June 11, 2008 at 12:04 am

    Oh, yes, ignoring happens quite frequently around here! I think it’s an absolute necessity to solve many minor problems.

    Reply
  28. Rebekah aka babiesabroad says

    June 10, 2008 at 11:52 pm

    Oh I definitely do this! I ignore my daughter when she throws a tantrum and most recently when she has started trying to draw out her going to bed routine. It’s the only way I know to stay sane!

    Reply
  29. carrie-the gremlin wrangler says

    June 10, 2008 at 11:52 pm

    mine are a little older than 3 and they like to ask the same questions over and over after I’ve already given them an answer.

    I found that if I ignore them and continue what I was doing, they’ll ask a few more times, then walk away exasperated.

    I’m not sure how long it’ll last. I hope it’s working!

    Reply
  30. Robin (the pensieve one) says

    June 10, 2008 at 11:51 pm

    I’d say yes, but not since they’ve been in double digits. Weren’t you thrilled with how effective this was? And a bit surprised?

    I used to tell my kids I couldn’t hear them when they whined. Sometimes, the louder they got, the quieter I did.

    Of course, sometimes I was the loud one, and that usually accomplished little.

    Good for YOU, SusieQ :)!

    Reply
  31. Tiff says

    June 10, 2008 at 11:43 pm

    Yes I do!!! Once they decide the focus is not on them any longer they stop the whining and end up doing the very thing they refused to do. My husband has a tough time with this. But he’s doing great. It’s hard to do but being firm and consistant is what it’s all about!

    Reply
  32. Pamela Kramer says

    June 10, 2008 at 11:43 pm

    I wish I would have today. I can ignore tantrums but my kids are a little older and they can really say some mean things, even on my birthday.

    Reply
  33. Tina says

    June 10, 2008 at 11:37 pm

    Heck yes! And because I have five children, I do a lot of ignoring…LOL

    Reply
  34. Laura says

    June 10, 2008 at 11:14 pm

    I think three is harder than two, at least that has been the case with mine. There is more willfulness to the tantrums and they are not as easy to redirect.

    Not engaging is a great technique, but hard.

    My husband was just out of town for seven days and I had all four around the clock because school’s out. It’s hard not to have a break.

    Reply
  35. napaboaniya says

    June 10, 2008 at 11:13 pm

    I’m turning to this tactic soon. My girl has been extremely difficult to deal with recently… *sighz*

    Reply
  36. Mel says

    June 10, 2008 at 11:07 pm

    Oh my, YES!! I’m a firm believer and picking my battles and find that often ignoring solves whatver the issue was in the first place. I have to do it for my own sanity too!! Good for you for winning the battle!!

    Reply
  37. Tanna says

    June 10, 2008 at 11:03 pm

    Yes, I do ignore my kids at times. However, the boys never threw tantrums such as this. And you are starting to scare me because this sound like something my little drama queen will one day do. She is only 19 months now but she is learning quickly. Is this a girl thing?

    For now she doesn’t say much but she vehemently shook her head no and sat on the floor when I tried to get her to eat lunch today. I ignored her and she eventually sat and ate.

    Reply
  38. Stephanie Z. says

    June 10, 2008 at 10:56 pm

    I have never had to ignore a tantrum because by some chance of luck, none of my boys have ever really had a tantrum. But I do ignore them when they begin the “i want”. I have four boys who each think they are the only child.

    Reply
  39. Monica- Paper Bridges says

    June 10, 2008 at 10:38 pm

    all the time.

    but my favorite “technique” is to threaten to get out the video camera. that works like a charm.

    Reply
  40. mannequin says

    June 10, 2008 at 10:25 pm

    It is very important to my 11 yr old to “save face” so I do afford him that luxury. He knows that my word is final; I know that my word is final and yet, we can arrive at a mutual decision as long as I do it lightly and without backing him into a corner. A little humor and lightheartedness goes a long way with this child!
    Each child is so magnificently unique. What works with this one, would never have worked with his brother!

    Reply
  41. AmyG says

    June 10, 2008 at 10:12 pm

    I need to ignore them more than I do. I yell way to often. Thank you for the reminder to just be quiet!

    Reply
  42. R.L.Scovens says

    June 10, 2008 at 10:09 pm

    I try to ignore him sometimes, but I’ve gotta say, it’s really hard! I try to ignore him when he’s pouting and just being hard to get along with. I still need help with that!

    Reply
  43. Kelly's Krazy Kids says

    June 10, 2008 at 10:05 pm

    Oh yes! For sanity’s sake I think you have to ignore those tantrums!

    Reply
  44. Amanda says

    June 10, 2008 at 9:58 pm

    Well, I think that you did the right thing in the moment in those circumstances!
    Often, when my 3 year old decided to throw the fit of all fits and I can just about not take one single second more, I just pray.
    I quietly pray for God to give me patience and understanding and insight, and 9 times out of 10, He leads me into a calm frame of mind that is good for both me and the kids.
    Kudos for honesty and following it up with love.
    Many blessings to you and yours-
    Amanda

    Reply
  45. Tonya says

    June 10, 2008 at 9:56 pm

    Oh the joys of 3 year olds. When my kids have thrown tantrums I do ignore them. I find if I acknowledge them it only makes it worse and last longer. I think that in the tantrum area 3 year olds are the worst. They are trying to get there way and they are coming into their own with learning to do things (like use the potty and get dressed) that they start trying different tactics to get us to cave to their wants. Another behavior is the begging, oy! My oldest is 7 and I will say it does get a little better in this area.

    Reply
  46. Smellyann says

    June 10, 2008 at 9:45 pm

    When they’re acting like that, oh yes, I do.

    And our son won’t eat if you look at him. So we have to ignore him all through dinner to get him to eat anything!

    Reply
  47. Crystal (so*euro) says

    June 10, 2008 at 9:43 pm

    Hey Sweets!!! I am starting destination weddings so if ya hear of anyone needing a photographer who is having one shoot them my way 🙂 Thank you sweets!!

    Crystal

    http://www.crystaldawnphotography.com

    Reply
  48. diana says

    June 10, 2008 at 9:40 pm

    After years of searching for soccer cleats, shin guards and uniforms ever single Saturday during soccer seasons, one year I declared I was on strike and never going to do it again. I told them they should let me know when they were prepared to go to soccer and sat down and read my paper. I decided that since my kids really just glanced around the air in their rooms before calling for reinforcements that they weren’t even trying. While I still have one that’s disorganized, I don’t do shin guards or cleats and he washes his own clothes or wears dirty.

    Reply
  49. hyperactive lu says

    June 10, 2008 at 9:36 pm

    Heck yes girl! Good going!

    Reply
  50. Yvie says

    June 10, 2008 at 9:33 pm

    Oh yes I do this. When I feel so tired , I just do what I can do and ignore his crying. Instead of do what the older people say to spank him or whatnot—I just try to calm myself down and see what he’ll do next.

    Most of the time, he’ll get tired of it and look for something else to do.

    Reply
  51. dawn says

    June 10, 2008 at 9:31 pm

    Not any more – but I do ignore my grandchildren on occasion!

    Reply
  52. Starr says

    June 10, 2008 at 9:30 pm

    I do indeed.

    My daughter at 3 used to do what I termed a “Diva Dive” where she’d chuck herself face down on the floor. lol. I ignored her then and it stopped pretty quickly.

    Now at five she likes to whine a lot (UGH) and the first time I said “I’m unable to hear whining, my ears don’t allow it.” So she is ignored completely when she whines, which is not very often!

    We don’t have tantrums at all. We started teaching her to use words to express herself and to be honest at all times when she was very young.

    Last week she told me I was boring her when I was “lecturing” her about something. !.!.!.
    I know!! I laughed later on thinking that if I’d told my parents they were boring me I’d *still* be picking up teeth! I’m glad she isn’t afraid to say it to me though, that’s the important thing. What a cheeky monkey!
    LOL

    Reply
  53. Natalie says

    June 10, 2008 at 9:26 pm

    I usually ignore my daughter when she starts a tantrum. I tell her that a tantrum will never get her what she wants and I go about doing whatever I was doing before she erupted. She’s also 3, by the way.

    Reply

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