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Today my son was wild — like a bucking colt in a closed corral who had just had his saddle removed and his bridle slipped off.
I couldn’t keep him contained, so I sent him outside to play away some of his energy. But I knew it wouldn’t run out. It is an endless source gushing inside him.
He was home after only a half a day at school. I had to pick him up because he was out of control — unable to sit down or do his work. He just flailed and talked and misbehaved even though the teacher’s aid stayed by his side every second.
It was day two unmedicated and I was holding on until his 4pm doctor’s appointment — as if there would be a miraculous new drug created in the last 24 hours he would proudly hand over to me when we went through the door.
We have already tried almost every ADHD drug available.
Two days ago, my son decided he didn’t want to take his Adderall. He hates losing his appetite and not being able to eat lunch, so when I handed him his pill at breakfast he simply refused to take it.
I knew his doctor’s appointment was only two days away and frankly, I wanted to see my son again — my unmedicated son.
You see, when he is on ADHD medication — stimulant or non-stimulant — he becomes a different child, an angrier, crankier, more argumentative child. His ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) is exacerbated and he has emotional explosions, like a two year old tantruming. It is heartbreaking and exhausting for all of us.
So I wanted to check once more — just to see if maybe, maybe he could live without the meds.
It was a helpful experience for sure. But so disappointing.
I wish I could say that we made it, that with just a bit of extra help he could make it through the day unmedicated.
But he couldn’t. He can’t.
What I learned was that my sweet boy is in there. This ugliness that explodes out of him is coming from the medication. I want him to know that too. So that he doesn’t identify with the grumpy boy he wakes up inside.
(Don’t get me wrong — he can still get grumpy, emotional and argumentative when he is off the meds. He has ODD and he is a challenging little monkey and he is human! But it is not as extreme as when he is on the ADHD medication. And when he is on the meds he still has good times too, he is just more emotional and prone to irritability and outbursts.)
But the short break from the medication also reminded me why we have to find him medical help. Alone, he is too wild, too silly, too crazy. When he is unmedicated it is like he is high or intoxicated. He is completely unmanageable.
So, we went back to his psychiatrist, for the hundredth time, and handed him our problems.
And he handed us back a new prescription.
This time we will add Cipralex, (an SSRI,) and decrease the dose of Adderall. Adding an SSRI is something I did not want to do.
But this is what desperation looks like for me.
My son deserves to be able to be who he wants to be, who he is — a happy, fun, energetic boy. I just hope somehow, someway, we will find the medications to help him get there.
P.S. I used to be a mother who thought she would never medicate her child if they had ADHD or a doctor “thought” they had ADHD. What I have learned is that it is not so simple. ADHD is a beast that, until you have seen your own child fight it, you don’t know what you would do to help them.
I must provide my son with the medical help he needs, which also includes therapy, counselling and behavioral management. As well, my husband and I are in parenting classes and counselling for families who have children with behavorial challenges. Yes, we are doing everything we can!
P.P.S. In case you were curious, I did not take that photo today. That was a month or so ago. Please don’t get me wrong. When my son is on his medication it doesn’t mean he is always grumpy and miserable. No, often he is his wonderful, beautiful, loving self. It is just that his emotions and irritability are intensified, so that when he is at home with his family he often lets those feelings out and… ouch! It is not fun.
Danielle says
Thank you for sharing your story and being so transparent. I understand the desire to not use medication but thank you for sharing how there is a time and place for it and it really does help children. I have a niece with similar background and while I don’t like that it suppresses her appetite, when not given her medication her behavior becomes out of control and difficult to handle.
Nanette ~ AMomBlog says
While I don’t deal with a child with ADHD I do have a child with special needs. So, on some level I can understand how you feel. We chose not to medicate but to try alternative methods. Thankfully they are working for our son.
I hope and pray that you and your family find what works for your son. Every child deserves to be and feel like who he is and be happy and healthy. Hugs to you. You are not alone.
P.S. You have no need to feel bad about trying medications. As parents we try anything we feel is safe for our children to give them a better more peaceful life. I just feel we need to make educated decisions when it comes to medications.
Julie {Angry Julie Monday} says
After a very long weekend with a very angry child, I’m just getting time to relax and comment. My son is on the down swing of his ADHD again. He is completely strung out right now. His newest thing right now is the hitting. He is hitting everyone when he doesn’t get his way. His sleep is also awful right now. For the past two weeks, we’ve dealt with the highs and lows. It is time to call the doctor again. On other tangents, I decided to take my Adderall XR myself again. I had my prescription which I stopped taking right before Blissdom. Dealing with my severe ADHD kid has put me on the ledge again. Sigh…
TheAngelForever says
Jumping in late here. Sending hugs and prayers that you can find something that will help Jackson to really be himself and feel better. I have to admit, reading your posts over the months has made me wonder if I am missing something with my almost 7 year old son. We were told a few years back that he had ADD tendencies, but they would not diagnose. him. The doctor classified his responses to things as emotionally driven. Now almost done with first grade, my son still has outbursts and lately many are getting very nasty. Not sure if the teacher is seeing them and not mentioning it or now. I worry that this may be why my son does not have many friends. Sad to watch and seeing that he is my oldest, I do not know which direction to turn in. Seeing what you have done makes me think that I need to do more this summer to help my son for the fall and start of school.
Jeannine says
My daughter has ADHD, ODD, and GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)….so non-stimulant drugs only. She’s been on Strattera for over 2 years now; while results are good, side effects aren’t the best. I’m not willing to put her on stimulant drugs. Researching diet might be my only other option. I’ve heard many mothers go through severe diet changes and restrictions, being in the same situation, and getting good results.
MJ says
I see somebody else got in with what I was going to say- I read the story of a woman whose son had a similar diagnosis to your son- ADHD and ODD. Eventually he was re-diagnosed with Asperger’s, another form of high-functioning autism. There are several interesting parallels in the two disorders- there’s even a book on it. http://www.retrainthebrain.com/autism.html
Janice says
Thanks MJ – yes, Jackson is a complicated case and has been through testing for ASD. They said he isn’t on the spectrum but has ADHD and ODD. He does definitely share some of the characteristics though. Thanks so much for the info – I am going to go read the link…
Anon. says
Janice,
I left DM for you on Twitter, but I would really talk to another psychiatrist and try non-stimulant class of meds before going to SSRI, etc at such a young age. My son was classified with severe ADHD at age 6 and was treated with stimulants (we tried every variety — Ritalin, Focalin, Concerta, etc) which made him severely (scarily) depressed. At that time we were told our only next option was SSRI and later we were told to put him on Risperdal. Net net, we just managed without drugs for the next 2.5 years (he had to go to a special school where they could handle and work on behaviors).
He has since been diagnosed as PDD (high functioning autism) or MDD (Multi-complex, which is a new classification that will be in the next release of the DSM) and recently, we’ve dipped our toes back in the medication waters with the introduction of Intuniv which is a blood pressure medication that is now being marketed to treat ADHD symptoms. Initially he was very fatigued– it takes 10 weeks to adjust — but now we are seeing some real benefits (ability to sit still for an entire meal, gets dressed without a fight, better focus) without the mood side effects.
Our new psychiatrist says spectrum kids respond poorly to stimulant meds, so even if your son doesn’t present as typical autism (mine is very sociable and chatty, for example), you might consider having an ADOS at your next neuropsych visit.
I am not a professional, this is all just based on my experience raising a very very challenging child, who is also bright, creative fun and the light of my life.
Best of luck to you.
Janice says
Thank you SO much for sharing! So good to know what others have learned along the way.
Jackson was on non-stimulants, (Strattera) for a year. It was our first med. But it caused the emotional issues so we started to try the stimulants.
Intuniv isn’t available in Canada yet but as soon as it is I want to try it for sure!
Jackson definitely is not just a clear cut ADHD case. He is a complicated case and shares some characterists of kids on the spectrum. (My nephew is on the spectrum and Jackson has gone through testing but they said ADHD and ODD.)
THANKS so much!!!
Jennifer says
Janice–This is exactly what my friend did with her son when he was angry and aggressive on ADD meds. It worked great for her!! I think that they were different drugs, but combining those two types of drugs worked for her son.
Janice says
So good to hear!!! THANKS!
Amys blah, blah, blogging says
Thank you for being willing to share this personal struggle your family is going through right now. I think stories like this open others up to dialogue and then better understanding of the issues and sharing of ideas.
God bless you in your endeavors to find exactly the right treatment for your sweet boy.
Janice says
Thank you for your feedback. That is why I started to share this winter. Up until then I hadn’t written about my kids’ medical issues. But I decided I wanted to help end some of the stigma and misconceptions about ADHD and behavioral challenges.
Nicole says
I am so sorry that this is a rough rode that you have to walk down. I am a parent of a 17, 15 & 4yo. When my oldest was entering first grade we put him on something that I can’t remember the name. Then about 2nd grade we made the switch to Ritalin. He was on that until the 8th grade. Sometimes there were days that I could not deal with him unless he was medicated. On his meds, he & everything just kind of went with the flow. Once he entered HS, he requested to stop. At that point I thought we were okay and by the grace of God, it was okay. He graduated this year & will be entering college in the fall.
Now my 15yo is a different story. I know that there are different degrees of ADHD/ADD and it runs in families. So my second child was really high strung but now that he has entered puberty & HS, I think he also is bipolar/ADD. But not having insurance makes it hard to get him the help he needs so we all walk on eggshells around him. The 4yo is more ADD but I’m hoping she will be better than the boys. I think girls tend to outgrow it or maybe deal with it better. After the diagnoses for the first child, I realized that I am ADD but have learned to deal with issues and life.
I know people tend to judge us parents who decide to medicate our children. But sometimes its for everyone’s safety that a child is medicated. I know with my oldest he used to react on impulse with the younger brother would annoy him and jump on top & chock him. I would walk over pull him off & say, “No. we don’t do that”. Time outs don’t work for a child with ADHD. They can’t sit still long enough in a chair to complete that punishment.
I will say a prayer for your family. Just know that you are not alone in this. There are other mother’s going through the same thing & understand what your feeling.
Janice says
Thanks so much for sharing Nicole! I am so sorry your family has had so many struggles!
We too don’t have extended medical (Canadian insurance that covers presc.) and between Jackson and my meds it costs us about $300 a month some months. UGH! BUT at least in Canada the doctor’s appoints are free!!!!
I do hope things improve for your younger children!!! HUGS
Eos Mom says
Hi Janice. I just want to thank you for sharing your struggles. My son doesn’t have ADHD but we have our own challenges, sometimes it just helps to know you’re not alone.
I hope the SSRI helps. I’m on an SSRI for depression–irritability was one of my major symptoms (I’m still irritable, of course, but less extreme). So maybe it will help. I pray that it will. Good luck!
Janice says
Thanks! Yes – I finally started sharing this winter because I figured that at least I could use it to help others not feel alone in their own challenges. Life is tough and somehow empathy can carry us through it.
Scrappinmichele says
That is one area I struggle with. I haven’t shared much because I know a lot of my neighbors and parents of my son’s friends read my blog. So far my son doesn’t want me sharing on my blog. He doesn’t mind if I do it elsewhere if I don’t use his name. We have been through so much and tried and done just about everything. Some worked, some didn’t. We have had some tough things to deal with and some great results. But it’s a long lonely struggle for parents.
Janice says
Yes – it is such a long, lonely struggle!!! Jackson won’t let me share some things on my blog – but he is ok for the moment about me talking about his ADHD. If it changes, I will stop too. Jackson actually wants to start a blog himself! 🙂
Deb - Mom of 3 Girls says
Janice, I’m so sorry that you’re struggling so much with these medication issues – I know from earlier posts too how long your family has tried to find the right option for him. I only know a little bit of how it must feel – Abby does well enough unmedicated that we’re keeping her off of them for now. And the ADHD meds don’t make her worse in any way – they just don’t help at all either.
I have a friend whose son has issues that sound similar to Jackson’s – they have him on Lexapro (another SSRI, I think) and that helps keep his anger and outbursts in check while he’s on the ADHD meds. I hope that going this route helps Jackson too. Hugs…
Janice says
THANKS – yes I hope it helps too!
lesa says
My husband and I have gone back and forth on the medication issue with my son. We came very close not too long ago. I don’t think there is a right or wrong. It is just what you feel right as a parent. In the end, I told my husband I wanted to find an alternative. My reasoning was actually based on the fact that I had been given the wrong meds to help with the migraines I get that are from an accident I was in 8 years ago. I ended up taking him to a homeopathic doctor. That was a month ago, and he is a different kid. It was nothing short of a miracle. I was skeptical, but it works, so I am not complaining. I wish you the best of luck.
Janice says
WOW – did they do the food sensitivities diet? What else have they done?
Angel says
Wow are you reading my story with my oldest. He is 17 now and was finally officially diagnosed with Bipolarism. Like you every ADHD medication made him voilent and angry the older he got he more powerful the rages became. Many doctors don’t want to label bipolarism in such young children, but hte kids sruggle because they are unable to deal with life in the state they are in. Keeping you in prayer nad the ability to find a doctor who will hear your concerns and worries and possibly open the door to other meds..
Janice says
Thank you for sharing!!!
The frustrating thing is that the extreme behavior is brought on by the meds. I mean he is pretty emotional without them too – but the “bi-polar type” behavior seems to be brought on by the meds. SO frustrating. It will be interesting to see how he reacts to the Cipralex.
Maggie says
My Heart so goes out to you. My 15 year old has always done well on the Ritalin-type meds. But now, at 15 he’d like to be able to stop putting that patch on everyday. Last week he was with his Grandparents. My parents who raised 2 of us who were medicated for ADHD, Once day he got up late and since he was supervised, she told him he could try going without his patch for the day. She told me he did OK, but he did not go another day without his patch while there. He is working on being aware of the differences when he is unmedicated. a Couple of days ago his patch fell off half way throguh the day. I knew immediately that somethign was different due to his motormouth.
HAng in there, keep trying and working to find something that works.
Janice says
It is amazing the difference isn’t it. Today my son took the meds and the teacher said it was night and day the difference. If only it didn’t make him so emotional and explosive!
Tarasview says
I am with you 100% Janice- and I always feel the need to defend and explain our decision to medicate our son too. We shouldn’t have to do that. We don’t make these choices lightly (you and your hubby or me and my hubby). I just want you to know I get it. I so completely get it.
My son is absolutely miserable the closer to the end of the school year we get- all the changes in schedules and the thoughts of summer and a new school year are just too much for him. Most days he comes home ready to fight. But summer will come and as long as I can keep my sanity we will all survive.
I wonder if/when we meet our sons will get along … they seem a lot a like!
And on a side note the commenter above (Amanda DaybyDay) and I went to bible college together for 4 years and she is awesome. And she totally does get what we are going through too!
Big huge hugs to you!
Janice says
HUGS to you too! So are you bringing the whole family this summer? I hope we will be in town when you are here!!!! I am sure our boys will get along great. 🙂
Erin says
Oh man….I know EXACTLY what you are dealing with. Our daughter has ADHD with ODD tendencies. She and your little guy sound like they are cut from the same cloth! I am a teacher who sees WAY too many kids on meds who don’t really need them. I always swore I would never put my child on medication….until we adopted our daughter. She NEEDS her medicine to help her be the best person she can be. She has told me before that her brain feels like a blender until she takes her medicine. She is the angry, argumentative, hard to get along with child WITHOUT her meds. Focalin XR has been the best for us (after we tried literally everything!). I am praying that you guys find the best med combo for Jackson….it kills me when I know my daughter’s meds aren’t right.
Amanda Daybyday says
I just want to offer my support! While my kids don’t have ADHD, we have our own set of problems that include therapy and lots and lots of intervention at the school level… so I do kind of know how you feel.
I did grow up with a brother who has it though. He’s a great guy, a fantastic father and my mom was just like you. Wanted nothing to do with the drugs but used them anyways, did all the behavioural therapy and parenting classes (my dad too). She tried the gluten free thing (this was 20 some odd years ago). She did it all. I understand what an amazing difference the right drug can make. This is not a made up thing. And it’s hard. I hope this new pill helps!
Janice says
Thank you so much! I am so sorry you have to endure so much too! It is exhausting isn’t it!
Alisha says
This broke my heart. I hope you can find an answer soon. Bless you!
Janice says
Thank you!
scrappinmichele says
Janice. I get it. My 14 year old is the same way. We had similar issues with adderall. He got very different on it. After years of changing meds and me feeling like the worst mom ever, we have finally found a combination that let’s him be himself and he feels in control.
It was a long tough road and I too swore I’d never medicate my child. I’ve gone over this a thousand times in my head and I know that for my son, we did what was right. He us now preparing for high school and he is happy, healthy and he feels very good about himself.
Your post brought it all back and brought tears to my eyes because I remember it so well. It’s hard to watch our kids struggle.
Janice says
Thanks Michele — may I ask what combination worked for him? It is so sad cause the Adderall really helps the ADHD symptoms.
Scrappinmichele says
Sure, he is on Strattera and Focalin. He takes the Strattera everyday and a very small souse of Focalin on school days or when he feels he needs to take it at 14, I let him tell me if he thinks he needs it.
It got so bad on the adderall that he was having these fits where he would see things that weren’t there. With strattera, you have to give it up to 6 weeks to see if it is working. Some kids see results more quickly, but for my son it was about 6 weeks. And every time you increase the dose with Strattera it was the same thing. We started at 25 mg and had 3 dose increases before we finally got to 80 mg where he has now been for 4 years. We added a low dose of Focalin when he started the Strattera to help during the adjustment period.
The adjustment time was really rough. We started it during the summer, but it took about 6 months before we really saww the full changes. But it was so worth it now.
He has been on the exact same dose for 4 years even though he has gone through puberty and gained about 30 lbs. The doctor said that is really good. It shows that all the years of therapy and family counseling and working with him definitely worked. He does manage things much better. I can see him using a lot of the tools we gave him.
Let me know if you have more questions. I don’t mind answering.
Scrappinmichele says
That should be dose above, not souse. Typing on my iPad and it keeps changing my words and I can’t go back and change them.
Janice says
Jackson was on Strattera for a year. It was our first med. But he was getting so emotionally explosive that that is why I took him off to try others. Sigh… this is all so frustrating isn’t it!
MIchele McGraw says
We had tried Strattera once a few years back too and we had issues with it, but our doctor wanted to try it a second time because their bodies change so much as they grow. She said she finds that as the kids get older, the Strattera works better. I didn’t want to try it again, but we were at a road block, so I figured, what the heck. And it worked.
Beth says
I so get what you are going through. While my children don’t have any mental health issues, I do. And I still do the same thing, go off my meds once in awhile to see if I miraculously have been cured. I don’t like taking the meds either but they allow me to be the best mother, wife, daughter, and friend I can be. I am sure it is the same with your little man, its just hard to accept. You are not alone 🙂
Janice says
It sure is understandable to want to see if somehow we can now live without them isn’t it? I am so glad that you are so wise to look after yourself! I am on meds too. It would be irresponsible of me not to be. Plus – it would be nasty painful.
Julie says
I wish I had some words of encouragement. All I can say is I will say a prayer for you and your son and pray for the help you need.
Janice says
THANK you so much! I really appreciate your prayers and supporT!
Allison says
Oh Janice, I’m SO sorry to hear about your struggles. I hope that this new combination works and that you find some peace. Your poor son, I can’t imagine what he is going through.
Janice says
Thanks! Today was good at school, but he had some angry explosions tonight. My friend was hear and she was so shocked – she hadn’t seem him like that. We start the Cipralex tomorrow.