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This past week at Guideposts, I wrote about how I am changing the way I use “time outs” with my children…
Is ‘Time Out’ Time Well Spent?
Some surprising new ideas about this old discipline stand-by
“Time out!” my two year old declares, wagging her tiny finger at her big brother, “You go on time out!”
It is hard not to giggle when a 26-month old demands a “time out” for whomever happens to be bothering her. She has tried to put everyone from me to Elmo on time out.
But the sobering fact is that my two-year old has obviously watched me send her seven-year old brother, Jackson, on far too many time outs.
As an often frustrated mother of an energetic, strong-willed son, I have relied on time outs—often ineffectively—since Jackson was two-years old.
My time out method means sending Jackson to a location, such as chair or his room, and setting a timer for one minute per year of his age.
But as I work on my parenting strategies, trying to move from punitive to positive discipline with my children, I have noticed problems with how I have been using and administering time out. Instead of being a positive tool that empowers my son to calm down and learn from the situation, time outs have become negative punishments that don’t fix the problems.
In fact, often when my son is in a fit of rage, he refuses to go on time out. Then, I am in an even bigger mess. I can’t pick up a 4’8”, 80 pound boy and carry him to his room!
In her incredible book, Kids Are Worth It!, Barbara Coloroso gave me the solution to my problem…
Stephanie says
I enjoyed reading your thoughts on this topic, Janice. I think some of your very best writing has been for Guideposts. You articulate things so succinctly and so powerfully.
The thing that struck me the most about this particular column was the importance of looking at OURSELVES and OUR motives when we are disciplining our kids. Are we reacting because WE are embarrassed or angry or feeling frustrated…or are we responding to our children’s needs with gentleness and grace? I try to ask myself those questions every day…
2 Toddlers and Me says
Great article. I really needed this refresher. My daughter just turned 4 and for some reason has been really struggling with temper tantrums. Timeout has become, as you said, a negative punishment and your post made me realize I need to rethink about making it about her learning to calm down. The point Barbara makes about the power struggle are great too. Sounds like a wonderful book.
Samantha Peacock says
Hello
Upon reading about your situation with your son I wanted to give you another book that I thought might be helpful. The name of the book is “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” by Tedd Tripp.
susan says
I look forward to the next article…this is something we struggle with at home.
maheshpr4 says
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