“Mommy – I know that we are going to have a baby when I am in kindergarten,” Jackson announces to me tonight.
“Really – how do you know that?” I reply, trying hard not to let my smile sneak out.
“Well you know how last time the seed broke. Well, there is a new seed growing. See you can tell your belly is getting bigger.”
“Oh…” I say, scrambling to figure out what to say.
When I miscarried last time, he was still three and very upset about the concept of death and heaven. I didn’t want to traumatize him by telling him that his baby brother or sister was in heaven. (My Dad is in heaven – and this is really upsetting to him.) So I told him that Mommy had been wrong. She thought we were having a baby. But the seed that was there stopped growing. I figure one day when he is older, I will tell him that his baby brother or sister is in heaven. I just didn’t know if he could handle it at that stage in his life. This time, I have been trying to protect him from the pain of losing another baby, so I have tried to hide that I am pregnant. But I guess it isn’t working.
“Well – maybe,” I try to squirm out, “We don’t know yet. We will have to see.”
“Maybe it will be twins – I want twins!”
I laugh, “No Jackson – I can not handle twins! And I can assure you – we are not having twins.”
“You never know Mommy – you don’t know until they come out.”
I think to myself, “Jackson, I don’t know much right now, that is for sure. But the one thing I do know is that we are not having twins. (Well unless you count Susan’s baby – or babies – she hasn’t had an ultrasound yet. But Jackson hasn’t figured out that she is pregnant yet!)
Knowing Jackson is so desperate for a baby makes this whole process so much more painful. Honestly if it weren’t for his heart breaking again, I would not be nearly as stressed. If my baby goes to heaven, I am okay with that. I desperately want to hold and love my child here, but heaven is where I want my children to live for eternity. So if they are safe with my Lord, even though I cry my heart out, I am okay. But my precious son wants a baby brother or sister so badly. It kills me when he asks me when we will have a baby. So for Jackson’s sake, I plead with God for this baby to be that little sibling he has been praying for.
Isn’t it brutal how much more painful life is as a mom?
There is so much to worry about and the worry is so much stronger! Not only do I worry about my children’s health, safety and happiness and pray for their precious souls, but I worry about my health and safety. My babies need their Mommy. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t mind death much at all. Sure I would be sad to miss some stuff, and I would feel terrible leaving Susan twin-less (really when you are a twin, to lose your twin must be agony,) but death wouldn’t be so terrible.
But when we have children – oh the terror of dying and leaving them! I want to love them forever and watch them grow up. I want to be here for every tear and every laugh.
Please God – let me be with my babies as they grow up.