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“Mommy – I know that we are going to have a baby when I am in kindergarten,” Jackson announces to me tonight.
“Really – how do you know that?” I reply, trying hard not to let my smile sneak out.
“Well you know how last time the seed broke. Well, there is a new seed growing. See you can tell your belly is getting bigger.”
“Oh…” I say, scrambling to figure out what to say.
When I miscarried last time, he was still three and very upset about the concept of death and heaven. I didn’t want to traumatize him by telling him that his baby brother or sister was in heaven. (My Dad is in heaven – and this is really upsetting to him.) So I told him that Mommy had been wrong. She thought we were having a baby. But the seed that was there stopped growing. I figure one day when he is older, I will tell him that his baby brother or sister is in heaven. I just didn’t know if he could handle it at that stage in his life. This time, I have been trying to protect him from the pain of losing another baby, so I have tried to hide that I am pregnant. But I guess it isn’t working.
“Well – maybe,” I try to squirm out, “We don’t know yet. We will have to see.”
“Maybe it will be twins – I want twins!”
I laugh, “No Jackson – I can not handle twins! And I can assure you – we are not having twins.”
“You never know Mommy – you don’t know until they come out.”
I think to myself, “Jackson, I don’t know much right now, that is for sure. But the one thing I do know is that we are not having twins. (Well unless you count Susan’s baby – or babies – she hasn’t had an ultrasound yet. But Jackson hasn’t figured out that she is pregnant yet!)
Knowing Jackson is so desperate for a baby makes this whole process so much more painful. Honestly if it weren’t for his heart breaking again, I would not be nearly as stressed. If my baby goes to heaven, I am okay with that. I desperately want to hold and love my child here, but heaven is where I want my children to live for eternity. So if they are safe with my Lord, even though I cry my heart out, I am okay. But my precious son wants a baby brother or sister so badly. It kills me when he asks me when we will have a baby. So for Jackson’s sake, I plead with God for this baby to be that little sibling he has been praying for.
Isn’t it brutal how much more painful life is as a mom?
There is so much to worry about and the worry is so much stronger! Not only do I worry about my children’s health, safety and happiness and pray for their precious souls, but I worry about my health and safety. My babies need their Mommy. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t mind death much at all. Sure I would be sad to miss some stuff, and I would feel terrible leaving Susan twin-less (really when you are a twin, to lose your twin must be agony,) but death wouldn’t be so terrible.
But when we have children – oh the terror of dying and leaving them! I want to love them forever and watch them grow up. I want to be here for every tear and every laugh.
Please God – let me be with my babies as they grow up.
Jennifer says
I know exactly what you are feeling, and my heart goes out to you. I will be lifting you up in my prayers. I have 2 children 10.5 years apart, with 3 losses inbetween. So I know how you are wanting to protect your son, and I know the worry that you try so hard not to have, but we are human after all. And the feelings of wanting to be healthy for our children. I honestly thought I was going to die just a few days after my daughter was born a little over 2 years ago. I lost lots of blood, had to have an emergency d&c and received blood transfusions due to all the blood loss. It was the scariest moment in my life thinking I would leave my son and brand new daughter behind – oh the thought of her never knowing me still makes me cry! But God was faithful, and I’m still here. But I fight those thoughts that still come up – you know, what if something were to happen to me now? I so know exactly what you mean. Sorry, didn’t mean for this comment to be so long. But you are in my thoughts and prayers!
In The Midst Of This Season says
Oh yes, life is definitely more painful at times when you’re a parent. I’ve had to do the same “heart protecting” of my 7yo. The baby in our care right now (the one we’re in the process of adopting) is her biological brother. He’s already 3 months old and we still don’t feel okay with telling her. When we picked him up, we had to explain that we were “fostering” him and that a judge would eventually decide who he gets to live with forever. This news was unsettling to her.
“Why would God let us have a baby if He’s going to let someone come in and take it away, Mom? Wouldn’t the baby miss us or be scared without us?” Oh, bleeding heart.
You know, maybe mentioning twins, Jackson has a “hunch” about what is to come. So you’re not carrying twins that you know of. But he knows his mommy is a twin and maybe he senses more than one baby is about to enter his little world, as in yours and Susan’s?
Oh, and I loved (absolutely loved) how you explained your loss to him with the seed analogy. What a great way to tell him the truth and yet still be able to guard his little heart.
God’s best to you, Janice.
Janice says
Talk about tears girls!! your comments are making me cry – but good happy tears!
I think you girls may be right – I feel like God might be trying to tell me not to worry through Jackson’s words.
Todays ultrasound was so wonderful!!! It was so thrilling to see my baby squirming around all healthy and thriving!
It is a HAPPY day today! Thank you all sooooo very, very much! You all ROCK!
Jean-Luc Picard says
It must be hard for your son to work it all out. Think positive!
An Ordinary Mom says
I think the seed analogy is perfect … especially for someone so tender. When I was pregnant for the sixth time (only had had one child so far), we were very afraid to tell our 3 year old daughter anything. When I really started showing obviously at about 18 weeks we let her in on our little secret and brought her with us to the gender determining ultrasound. It is a moment I will always cherish.
I hope and pray that your pregnancy, and Susan’s (how far along is she?), goes well! I love your faith and attitude!
One Mommy says
Did you ever think that maybe God is trying to tell you something… like it will be alright? I can relate to your feelings of angst, having been there myself. Rest in Him, in His peace and His glory. Do not hold on to the fear. It will eat away at your happiness, and that is not what God wants for you. He loves you and is sharing this wonderful miracle with you! You & the sugarplum, as always, are in my prayers. I look forward to the day we see this precious child’s face. Peace to you friend!
Faerylandmom says
Honestly, I can only imagine how much you must struggle. I have had easy pregnancies, and no miscarriages. I am so sorry you struggle with worry — no one can blame you. Remember though, that we serve the God of our Refuge. “Trust in him at all times, oh people: pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.” (Psalm 62:8) Don’t be afraid to dump all this worry and struggle and fear on His shoulders — He wants you to do that. I like the chorus from the Audio Adrendaline song “Rest Easy.” It’s from God to you:
“Rest easy,
Have no fear.
I love you perfectly,
and love drives out fear.
I’ll take your burden,
you take my grace.
Rest easy…
In my embrace.”
If you get a chance, look up the song and see if you can listen to it. 🙂 May God bless you this very day with peace.
Barb says
You know you’ve been in my prayers all along. And I also told you from the very beginning that I had a really good feeling about this pregnancy. Think positive, Janice. Just think positive. 🙂
YoungMommy says
It truly is amazing how intuitive our children are… Each of mine knew they were going to have another sibling before I even told them. In fact, my oldest son’s exact words, when we did tell them that I was pregnant again, were “yah, I know that Mom!!” Wow!
Carey says
Im praying for you all today. I have thought about my kids growing up without me and it is terrifying. God is in control and we need to trust that He is making the right decisions for all.
Kilikina says
Oh how precious. I mean I understand the toil there. Precious that he “kind of” understands, and that he remembers the last “seed” but I understand your pain for him. I am sorry that makes it harder.
MommaBlogger says
Oi, hormones! Here I am bawling by the end of this! That is so sweet. My kids have been asking for me to have a girl this time. I’ve told them they’ll have to wait to find out, but at least they’re excited about it.
Sallie says
Janice —
That is life as a mommy.. We want to be with our children forever and take care of them. I had two miscarriages and I know those children are with God in heaven. I couldn’t stand it if I thought any different. Take care and be blessed!!
Sallie
Rebecca LuElla Miller says
Janice, what a touching story. I’ll also be praying for your health and safety during this pregnancy. Your comments about worry remind me some of a recent mom-lit book by a friend of mine, Sharon Hinck.
In fact I stopped by specifically to ask for your help. Sharon’s books are specifically written for Christian moms, but it seems they aren’t finding their intended audience. When I heard this, I thought of you and the 700+ women who came here for your blog party.
If I could arrange to get you copies of Sharon’s books, would you be willing to read them? That’s it. The books are so good–I think so anyway–that if people find out about them … well, I should let you decide.
She has three so far: The Secret Life of Becky Miller, Renovating Becky Miller, and The Restorer (due out in April). Feel free to email me to let me know which book(s) you’d like.
Thanks for considering this.
Rebecca LuElla Miller
Amanda says
Praying for all of you Janice. I know what you’re talking about since I am an identical twin myself. When we were kids growing up, my twin sister and I would talk about it. We used to say that if one of us were to die, the other one would die too. Now, that we’re grown up with our own families, it’s much more complicated but I still can’t imagine a world without my twin in it… it would be devastating.
My sister was in one of the trains hit by a bomb (in the next car) in Bombay India, last year. So I almost did have to face that fact. She was blessed to survive unscathed.
Jen says
Janice.. I want to send you big (((HUGS))). They say children have connections so Jackson may be on to something with the twins theory ;). Worrying is so hard. I do the same and pray that the Good Lord will let me always be here for my kids. Hun.. just try to say positive as hard as it might seem and know God will not give us more than we can handle. I’ll be praying and thinking about you!
P.S. Thanks for commenting on my blog. Jackson sounds like a story talker too hehe. Kids can say the darndest things and always put a smile our our faces 🙂
Susanne says
Oh Janice I so understand exactly what you are saying! Praying for you and your babe and your precious Jackson!
dana says
I’m sending my prayers your way. Jackson sounds so adorable. What a precious boy.
Adventures In Babywearing says
Oh, I get tears… Jackson is one mature little boy! So special. I have a feeling he’ll be a support to you and his siblings your whole LONG life.
: )
Steph
Becky says
I agree with you wholeheartedly about the brutality of being a mom. It is the best gift in the world to be given children, but with that comes so much worry and strife. Things you could never imagine before becoming a mother or father! The worry is endless and I couldn’t imagine being in this role without leaning on the Father for all of it ~ good and bad! I will continue to pray for you and your unborn baby and well all of you! I pray that Jackson will get the sibling he so desires. Isn’t it amazing how intuitive they are? I’m just so amazed at how much our children just seem to know! Blessings to you and yours!
Stacey says
Praying for you all. ((hugs))
christieo says
By the way, I also wanted to say, you handle Jackson with such grace! I think you have such a wonderful way of explaining things to him, for what he can handle. That’s perfect, for right now. Amazing how observant they can be too!
christieo says
Oh Janice, you did it again. I’m crying over my morning coffee. You couldn’t be more right about that, the terror I feel about leaving my baby behind, it’s heartwrenching. Before that, I was scared a little, but this feeling can be overwhelming! I pray every day to be able to watch them grow and be here for all of it. Blessings to you!
Toni says
Never though you would be happy hearing Jackson say your belly is getting bigger, eh?
Janice says
Yes Laughing Mommy – it sure does make it harder. Although I worried that I might miscarry before, nothing like now that it has happened. I am ten and a half weeks so far.
laughing mommy says
Prayers for health for both you and the baby.
I have had three miscarriages. It makes being pregnant harder once you know what it is like to lose one, don’t you think? How many weeks are you now? The odds get better and better the further along you are.
Best wishes.