Strength

I’ve been thinking quite a lot about strength lately. Strength comes in all shapes, forms, and sizes. Sometimes it is expected and then, sometimes, it simply catches you unaware.

I know that I am strong, even if days like the past couple have me doubting it.

I am strong willed. I have strong faith. I am strong-minded, strong-tempered. I have strong passions. I love strongly.

Knowing that I am strong and still being made painfully aware of my one major vulnerable spot has me thinking a lot today about the various kinds of strengths and what they mean.

A while back I spent a good part of the afternoon with my grandmother. If ever there was a strong woman, it is Mama. Without a doubt. She is recovering from a stroke and her life has very suddenly taken quite a few unexpected twists and turns. For the very first time, her children have seen her cry. No lie. The first time. Except in church, and that doesn’t really count.

I watched her on this day and saw the strong woman I’ve always known her to be now housed in such a frail, unstable condition. I witnessed her reaching out to my grandfather, her partner of 65 years, and not being afraid to say that she wanted him close, that his hand felt so good enclosed over hers. I saw the looks that passed between them and, in that moment, so much became ultra clear to me.

While she has always been so strong - so in control - he has been her backbone, her rock, silently supporting her strong nature. During these moments of uncertainty and fear, he has emerged openly as the hero that only she has known all these years. He has ridden in and been a true (though untraditional) knight, caring for her in the most gentle, caring way possible.

So even strong women need a safe place to land their hearts.

And then I observed my Auntie on this same day, so uncharacteristically quiet and somber, as she quietly tended to her sister’s bedside. I sat in a nearby chair while my mind went back to a few weeks before when I sat across the table from her. We had just finished a meal and were merely sitting, chatting, much like any aunt and niece might do.

“I come from a family of strong women.” I looked at her and nodded for emphasis. “I only hope that I can be half as strong as you and Mama.”

I did not expect her response, and the look in her eyes and the weight of her words are forever carved into my mind.

“We’re not always as strong as we seem.” Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears and her lips trembled as she spoke the words. “Sometimes it’s the strong ones who hurt the most.”

I remember feeling my heart break as I looked at her and realized that I had never taken the time to look past that wall of strength. The very wall that had her taking care of others even as she walked through the darkest storm of her life. The strength she exuded had somehow excluded her from being human, from having the same hurts, troubles, and lapses that we all have.

So even strong women need to let down their walls every so often.

I watched my mom during the days Mama was still in the hospital; watched as she moved about her own mother, rearranging her pillows and helping her sip Coke through a straw. I watched as she took lotion and carefully, lovingly, massaged Mama’s feet. The love was evident with each stroke of her hand and I had to look away, overcome with emotion for both of these women.

I know my mom better than most. I know that her tired eyes and sharp tongue these days are merely visible signs of a battle going on deep inside her. The battle to somehow balance the need to be the daughter and the need to be the caretaker. She is on the very cusp of one day in the not so distant future being the matriarch of our family. I watched as she ministers to her own mother, disregarding her own needs and her own health.

I don’t think she realizes it yet, but she’s walking in the footsteps of some very strong women. And - with every step she takes - she is becoming a woman of admirable strength. A woman that I’m very proud - very honored - to call my mom.

So even strong women struggle to find balance in their lives.

This morning I have a full heart, knowing only these things for sure:

Strong women need a safe place to land their hearts. Strong women need to let their walls down every once in a while. Strong women still struggle to find the balance in their lives.

I don’t get the balance totally right every day. I may spend this lifetime trying to get it right, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t glean even more strength in the process.

To love and be loved, to give just because it pleases you to please others. To find grace and dignity amid your own faults and shortcomings. To care enough about yourself and about those you love to keep trying.

That is strength.

That is what I want.

Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. - Proverbs 31:25