A Home Divided- A Lesson in Forgiveness

“Your dad wants a divorce, and I’m giving it to him”
These were the words that sent my picture perfect world crashing down around me.
My body felt numb. Was this just a dream?

My mother’s words rang in my ears over and over again, but they just didn‘t make any sense.
Dazed and silent, my only thought was “why?” Why in the world was this happening to my family?
Filled with anger, I hung up the phone and I cried.

My parents divorced after 35 years of marriage. They said they no longer loved each other
and only stayed together for “the kids“. I was dismayed and confused as I had never heard a
ill-tempered word between the two of them. Even as an adult I was devastated when my
parents divorced.

Nothing tested me more in my adult life than when my parents split up. I was 32 years old
at the time. I had a great job , close friends, a loving husband, two beautiful children—all of
the things that I thought made me rooted. Yet when my parents announced they were
splitting up, I felt as if the world had collapsed in on me.

My life suddenly seemed a series of “lasts”—a final Christmas, a bitter end to Thanksgiving
family get-togethers. I’d never again find my parents standing side by side on the porch,
waving as I bring the boys to visit Grandma and Papa. Looking back, it seemed as if Mom
and Dad had been faking it—which cheapened all my childhood memories.

The divorce of my parents meant the death of a way of life. I did a lot of grieving just as I
would any other death. I grieved for the traditions that will never happen again - I grieved for
our home, because though I was married and living in my own home, I had the knowledge
that I could go home, if I ever needed to. Now I have lost that security, because home isn’t
there anymore, at least not as I knew it. The truth was their divorce disrupted my present,
and rewrote my past.

I knew that forgiving my parents was key to my healing and becoming “whole” again. The
problem was, I struggled with forgiveness a great deal. It was an extremely difficult concept
for me. I’m generally a very closed and distant person. And when someone I care about
hurts me, I close myself off even further towards them. My inability to forgive kept me stuck
in a pattern of negativity and resentment towards both parents.

One cold December night when I was having trouble getting to sleep, I picked up my Bible
and read in Matthew, “But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father
forgive your trespasses.” I knelt by my bed and asked God for His grace to help me to
forgive. I questioned if I forgave my father would my mother feel I wasn’t being loyal to her?

Would I be condoning their sin if I had a friendly relationship with them? The burden became
too heavy for me to bear any longer. I cried to God “Help me please!”. Then, I felt the warmth
of the Holy Spirit. I wept uncontrollably. I knew I could not forgive in my own strength. God
assured me that He would walk with me each step of the way. He made me an
unconditional promise and there was absolutely nothing that could prevent its fulfillment.

Since that moment, I have been able to forgive my parents and realize that perhaps they did
the best they could. My past is where it belongs; in the past. My parents love me. I really
know that. I have now grieved the loss of what could have been, and forgiven them for not
being perfect parents. Somehow grace has worked its miracle and I’ve been able to let go.

It’s freed me of many of the burdens of my past Gone are my mental prisons created by
harboring hard feelings towards my parents. Forgiving my parents freed me from their
actions against me, as well as their actions against each other.

One year after learning of the divorce, the pain hasn’t completely disappeared. Once in
awhile a childhood memory will pop into my head. I’ll remember, and long for, the way things
once were. But just as Jesus forgave those who hurt Him, I am also called to forgive those
who hurt me.

Because in any case forgiveness can be a challenge, I pray and ask God for strength.
I ask Him to change my heart to be graceful toward others, just as He is graceful toward me.
Daily as I choose to forgive and not become bitter, negative feelings flow away and peace
floods my soul.

Just as I had a choice in how I reacted to my parent’s divorce, I have a choice in how I will
handle my marriage and my walk with God. When I go to prayer I ask God to heal families
who are struggling to hold on, and to keep families strong who are already grounded in Him.
I ask Him to help me love, forgive, and obey Him in all circumstances especially concerning
my own family. I won’t allow my parent’s divorce to destroy my marriage or to destroy me.

Rather, I will allow it to change me into a person who bears good fruit so in the end I will
have joy and God will be glorified. Despite the pain and the past, with God, I know I can face
the future.

Annita Hammonds, Atlanta

Annita Hammonds is a Christian freelance writer who resides in Atlanta, Georgia.