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It will achieve the purpose for which I sent it
Posted By Guest Contributor
From Barb: Hello everyone. Normally Wednesday is my day to contribute a post here at Faith Lifts. But as I was reading some of my favorite blogs last week, I came across a post written by Big Mama on Friday. I knew right away that her testimony is a perfect fit for this months theme, “Faith.” I’m pleased that she accepted my invitation to be a guest contributor today. Ill be back next week!
About four and a half years ago, I was on top of the world. P and I had just returned from an incredible vacation to Sicily and Rome with my Dad and Cher and a month later, found out I was pregnant.
We had waited five years to make the decision to have a baby and we were beyond excited at the news. We called our parents, grandparents, friends and told all of our kids in ministry our big news. We had prayed about the right timing to start a family and we felt like all of our prayers had been answered.
Six weeks later, we went to the doctor for my initial sonogram. He did the sonogram and asked us to come back next week so that he could check me again. We came back the next week to learn that there was no heartbeat. At that moment, it was like the world stopped. We were so sad to lose something that had just started to feel real.
I spent the morning after Memorial Day getting a D&C, not quite the kickoff to summer I was looking for. We came home sad, but not discouraged. We both knew that God was in control and found peace in that reality. One week later, I went back to the doctor for a follow up and he had me take a pregnancy test that came back positive. He said it wasn’t a big deal, just go home and take another pregnancy test in a few days. I did, and again it was positive.
He had me come in to do a blood draw on a Friday. The following Monday, I flew to Dallas for work meetings. That Monday afternoon, during a break in my meetings, I checked voicemail and there was a message from my doctor. He said to call him back as soon as possible. Once I called him back, he said that my blood hormone levels were off the charts and mentioned other scary words like growth, tumor, and cancer. I explained I was in Dallas until the end of the week and he said, “You need to get on a flight and get home.” Terrified is the word that comes to mind.
So I explained to my manager why I needed to leave and spent the next 24 hours sobbing. I bawled while I called P to tell him I was coming home because apparently I was dying, I bawled while I got a flight, I bawled when I called my parents to tell them what was going on, and I bawled walking through D/FW. I was still so raw from the miscarriage and now I was beyond scared at this new unknown.
By the time P picked me up from the airport, I was a total basketcase. He is always the voice of reason and kept trying to reassure me that everything would be okay, but I couldn’t get rid of my fear. I knew we were going in to see the doctor the next morning and I was terrified of what I’d hear. That night as I tossed and turned in bed, I finally started listening to God instead of just ranting to God. I had spent the day thinking what if they tell me I can’t have babies, what if they tell me I have cancer, what if they tell me I’m dying and when I finally got still before God I heard a voice that was as close to audible as any I’ve ever heard and it said, “It doesn’t matter what the doctors say, it only matters what I say.”
So, that’s what He means when He says He’s sovereign. Oh, now I get it.
P and I went to the doctor the next morning and he explained that I had a molar pregnancy which is basically a growth that has gone crazy in your uterus and has the potential to become a cancerous tumor (this is not exactly specific medical lingo I’m using). He said the best course of action was to get injected with chemotherapy called methotrexate. We went immediately over to the hospital and waited five hours for me to get the biggest shot you have ever seen. Did I mention I am deathly afraid of needles?
The next step was to get my blood levels checked every week to make sure the chemo was working. So every week all summer long I had to get my blood taken until I began to look like a drug addict. The levels were coming down, but very slowly and then they stalled. Back to the hospital for another round of methotrexate. Did I mention I am deathly afraid of needles?
I would like to say that I completely trusted in God this whole time. I would like to say that I was a veritable rock of faith. I would like to say it, but I can’t. At times, I would have such peace about the situation but at other times I just felt so alone. I just didn’t understand. Why was this happening? What was the purpose?
And then one night after a particularly hard day, I was praying and God led me to this verse:
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and snow come down from heaven,
and do not return to it without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
Isaiah 55: 8-11
In that moment it dawned on me, that His ways are so much better than my ways. I only see one small part of the road and He sees the whole journey. I realized that the part of this verse that says “It will not return to me empty, but accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it” was God’s promise to me that this molar pregnancy wasn’t for nothing, but part of His specific plan and purpose for me.
So four years later, do I know all the reasons it happened? No, but I know some. I know that it brought P and I closer together as we dealt with everything, I know that in some ways it helped prepare me to be a better mother, and I know that since then I’ve had the opportunity to help two other women that were going through the same thing. Most importantly, it drew me closer to God as I realized again the depth of His love for me. To let me a live a life without building character, isn’t much of a life at all.
In December 2002, I found out I was pregnant again. P and I prayed and made the decision that we weren’t going to live in fear of what might happen, but to believe God and His promises because the last part of that passage in Isaiah says:
You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace
the mountains and hills will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.
As I look at our lives today and think about my precious girl sleeping in the next room, I know that God was faithful. I have truly gone out in joy and been led forth in peace.
DISCUSSION: Have you ever experienced something so frightening and so beyond your own understanding that you simply laid it down before God and put your complete trust in Him?
Big Mama has been married for almost 9 years to a great husband and has a 3 year old daughter, both of whom make her laugh on a daily basis. She loves to read, write, watch old movies, and visit with her friends. Most of all, she love to laugh because you know, it really is the best medicine.
The link to Big Mama’s blog is: http://bigmama1.blogspot.com/
Sep 13th, 2006
WOW! What a story - you had me frantically reading to find out what happened next! Thank the Lord it had a happy ending!!!
I would like to say that in my worst times of fear I laid it down and had complete trust. But the answer would have to be a bit of both.
When my son was almost two I had a terrible cancer scare. And over the next week of rushed tests I was so terrified that I might die and leave my son motherless and not get to see him grow up. It was horrible. I remember kneeling by his crib weeping one night as he slept. I trusted, but that doesn’t mean we don’t grieve and kick and scream at the possiblity of pain. Even Christ did as he prepared to die. So while I ulitmately trusted in Him, I did weep and beg for the chance to raise my son and see him grow up.
Thank you so much for sharing your incredible story here with us at Faith Lifts!
“Life without building character isn’t much life at all.”
Oh my sweet goodness. That just takes the words out of my mouth. I so empathize with your pain. I was told for nine years I’d never carry a baby to full term. Now I’m the mother of two beautiful daughters and one truly beautiful grandson.
Thinking I might never have a baby almost brought me to my knees. When Krissy was born, I knew beyond any doubt that God had always intended me to be a mother.
But in those nine years of not knowing, of having to trust that it would happen if God wanted it to, yes. It built great character in me.
Bless you. It makes me happy to know you were blessed with a child and that you know that child is a miracle.
Wow. Thank you for sharing that. God bless you!
It is so wonderful that you have been able to use that scary experience to help other women and that you leaned on God and let your faith grow.
Thank you so very much for sharing your story!
These stories of faith just reinforce over and over that I am not alone with my challenges in life. Yout story, backed up with scripture, is a good one.
Great story; thank you both so much for sharing (Barb, for sharing your opportunity to post and Mama, for the wonderful faith story.)
This was an awesome post. I have had the Blessed privilege to have children but i have had friends who could not. It is a deep pain that leaves a hole for sure.
As I was reading your story I was thankful that God used this scary time for you as a way to find the cancer.
We don’t always understand God’s way’s but we can trust he has our best interest at heart. I have been dealing alot with this in my life.
Thankyou for sharing this and thankyou Barb for having a sensitive heart in asking Big mama to share her story that so many young mothers will relate to.
Be Blessed.
Thank you for sharing your wonderful story. It is amazing to see God’s hand in all things. I was born with a premature baby, and life was turned upside down. And I look back and see how God took care of me, and the child who was not expected to make it. He is now a very healthy 12 year old.
Great post
Wow. Thanks, Big Mama, for sharing this story with us. Those same verses in Isaiah have comforted and bolstered me many times.
Oh, thank you so much, Big Mama, for sharing this testimony…it was such a blessing to read. And it reminded me of something I went through along the same lines…perhaps because of your story, I am going to be nudged to write about it soon.
I can so relate to your sense of panic…but God is faithful! Blessings!
What an amazing experience. This story can be an example of faith for all the generations that follow after you.
I wish I could say that I was a mountain of faith. Unfortunately, I’m still working on building a mole hill. But stories like your inspire one to keep striving.
DISCUSSION: Have you ever experienced something so frightening and so beyond your own understanding that you simply laid it down before God and put your complete trust in Him?
YES!!!!!!!!!!!! Three Years Ago the day the Demons that lived inside of me wanted to take me to the death of my last day living in darkness….I wanted to give into my darkness but God sent me a living angle who offered out her hand to me, that night i sat in silence hearing a voice say trust this woman and not not end your life the light can come …I am here today because of God’s Grace Alone for sending me that angel…………….Sonja Brooks
I’m SO glad I found this post. Reading your story was like reading my own.
I had two miscarriages in 2001, with the second one I had to have a D&C, but apparently the cells they removed were not baby, they figured it was either an ectopic or molar pregnancy. I also had a big cyst on my right ovary. After the D&C I was given methotraxate too, it made me extremely sick, but it didn’t compare to the pain that I was feeling emotionally.
If it weren’t for my faith in God and the knowledge that He was with me through everything, I don’t know how I would have made it through it all. When I finally got pregnant again a year later, I was considered high risk pregnancy, had sonograms done every week and blood drawn every week too, to make sure that my levels were still rising. It was one of the scariest times of my life…..
Thank you for sharing your story, I’m so glad you did
God Bless,
Sandra
Big Mama, what a beautiful and inspiring post you’ve written. Thank you so much for sharing with all of us. And, thank you Barb for arranging her to be your guest blogger!
DISCUSSION: Have you ever experienced something so frightening and so beyond your own understanding that you simply laid it down before God and put your complete trust in Him?
There have been many times in my life when I’ve had to accept that God is in control and I have to put my complete trust in him. It’s not an easy concept for me because I like to be in control in my life.
Here are two examples that stick out in my mind:
1) During my hip replacement surgeries- In 2001 I went through 2 total hip replacement surgeries (one in May and another in August). Of course, the surgeon had to inform me of the risks of these invasive procedures and paralyzation and death are two of the most severe risks. Then there was the uphill climb of physical therapy after surgery. I was absolutely terrified, but I knew these had to be done and I knew that only God was in control. I willingly put my complete trust in him and had both surgeries done. The recovery wasn’t easy, but both surgeries were successful and now I live a pain free lifestyle! I’m so very thankful for that!
2) During our adoption journey- There are so few ways to be in control during an adoption process. Believe me, I tried to find all possible situations to be in control but wasn’t very successful. I had to willingly put my complete trust in God that our son’s birthmother would take care of herself during her pregnancy and that we would be allowed to adopt this precious baby after he was born. I struggled with turning this over to God and I was stressed most of the time, but when I was successful at placing my complete trust in God, I felt such peace. I knew that no matter what happened, God would stand by me and provide me with the strength needed to go on. I am truly blessed because our son was born quite healthy and his birthparents never wavered in their decision to allow us to adopt him. Now that we are attempting to adopt a second child, I’m going through this all over again. I’ll be leaning heavily on God this time around as well!
God is so good it is simply amazing. This must makes me sing songs of praise! Amen!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Truly awesome.
Thank you for sharing your story. I needed to hear this! My story is one of miscarriage, then beautiful healthy baby girl (turning 3 this weekend), then another miscarriage last summer. Then, after conceiving 3 times without any trouble, now cannot conceive. We’ve been trying for almost 1 year.
DISCUSSION: Have you ever experienced something so frightening and so beyond your own understanding that you simply laid it down before God and put your complete trust in Him?
I’m not here yet…can’t seem to let go of the hurt anger, frustration, pain, etc to lay it completely down and leave it there for good! I want to have another baby, I feel completely robbed of the 2 that I’ve lost! When we first started trying to get pregnant again after the last miscarraige- the fear that gripped me was of another miscarriage. Now the fear that grips me is the possibility of never being able to conceive again!
I tend to lay it down, but then for some reason when I turn to walk away it just seems to follow me. So thank you for the encouragement, I think now I realize that the healing won’t come until I totally lay it down…for good!
Thanks for sharing Barb your friend and BigMama your feelings so openly.
Interesting discussion… My Father, I believe I am starting to feel it now… I always want you to do something for me ( or at least clear the way… ya know so I can do it for myself) And you want to do something IN me.
I wanted answers. You want me to become one… Thank you for your unending patience with me.
Have you ever experienced something so frightening and so beyond your own understanding that you simply laid it down before God and put your complete trust in Him?
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Most definitely . . . my first miscarriage, my third pregnancy in which I lost a twin and had a preemie, my one month stay in the hospital after my water broke early (where I had to leave hubby & 1 year old child and live an hour+ away from them with no idea as to the outcome or how long I’d be in the hospital), when I discovered that my oldest daughter (second pregnancy, full-term baby) had heart issues (3/4 valves), and now our journey to a geneticist. We still sit on the edge of the unknown but trust that God is in control. All of these things *and more* have had to be laid at the feet of my most gracious Father. Where would I be without him?
P.S. I am enjoying the posts I have been reading at FaithLifts, even though I don’t always have time to respond to each one I read. Thank you all for being such open and honest women. :0)