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Do you use “time outs” with your children?
From nannies on TV, to a myriad of parenting books, experts are continually preaching the time-out parenting technique. But although it has become a popular method to reign in kids, there is controversy about how to apply the technique.
How should we use time outs?
I have heard experts say to put children on a step, while others say children should be put in a boring room with nothing to entertain or stimulate them. In contrast, I have also heard some teach that using the child’s bedroom for a time out can be effective.
Another point of discussion is whether the time out should be seen as a punishment or as a positive opportunity to help children to learn to calm down and remove themselves from stressful situations.
An interesting parenting article in Parent Center teaches this method of not approaching timeouts as negative.
(I think the only thing everyone agrees on is that you should keep the duration consistent with a timer.)
I use time outs with my four year old son with mixed success.
Although I have heard this point of view that time outs should be positive and I agree in theory, my 4 yr old son hates to be removed from the activity and so he sees it as “punishment”.
(I use a chair in the living room and if he doesn’t stay there, then he goes to his room. If he leaves his room, then I shut the door.)
I do try to use different kinds of rewards and consequences instead of resorting to time outs for punishment, leaving time outs for when my son does need time away from the situation to calm down. But then desperate for a punishment after taking away toys and privileges, I hear myself threatening, “You are going to go for a time out.”
Too often, I just feel like I am fumbling through, trying to improvise as I go!
One really helpful tool has been 1-2-3 Magic.
I love this simple approach.
I tend to talk too much (surprised?) and this succinct method works brilliantly with my child.
We would love to hear how you incorporate time outs in your home and what you find to be most effective.
What books have you found helpful?
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Janice says
Thanks for all the input ladies – it is so great to hear your thoughts!
Amanda – what wise parents you have. I agree that time outs can take different forms and have different purposes especially at the different stages of growing up.
I especially like your mom modelling the self control to go and calm down on a time out. I am going to start that asap! I want Jackson to learn how to go and get himself in a better mental and emotional state. And good grief do i need to do that sometimes!
Susan says
Amanda,
Thanks for the great ideas. It sounds like you had awesome parents. I love the ‘Mommy needs a time out’. I’m definitely going to use that once Julia gets old enough to need time outs and old enough to exasperate me. She’s only 11 months right now.
Talk soon,
Susan
amanda says
My parents used “time-outs” with us. And, they were used differently depending on our age and the “crime” we had committed.
When we were older, sometimes the time we spent in our rooms depended not on a set time, but on us. As soon as we were ready to talk about it and had an attitude change we could come out.
If it was a fight with our sister, often we could come out after both of us had thought of 3 things we admired about the other one. Sometimes this one was done with both of us touching a nose to a doorknob–same door, different sides of an open door–we had to learn to get along even in the push and pull of timeout!
Dad liked the doorknob thing. He also used that one for individual time outs. Mom usually sent us to our rooms.
When my brother was little the time out was 1 minute for every year, until he was old enough to know when he had had an attitude change. But even then, sometimes he would say “I’m ready to talk about it.” And mom would reply, “I”m not; I need a few more minutes of timeout. If you come out now, you might not like what you hear.” She was teaching us time out was for everyone–even herself–to cool down and think calmly.
My parents did count with us–mom to 3 and dad to 10. 🙂 It worked for me and Sarah better than it did/does my brother.
And, sometimes time out was positive and sometimes it was negative. We knew, and we adjusted. Kids are quite flexible. It if good for them to know what to expect–but there is no reason to always be hard and fast with every rule. Not only are individual kids different, but each kid will go through different phases in life. These all need to be handled according to that season.
My mom even sometimes put herself in timeout. “Girls, mommy is tired and having a grumpy attitude, she is going to take a time out. Please leave her alone for the next ten minutes.” She would go to her bedroom and shut the door.
I am not a mom yet, but I was raised by a very effective and creative one! 🙂
heather* says
Where you’re going wrong is… he stays in the chair – PERIOD. He’ll stay there, you just keep putting him back.
Janice says
Lisa – what a coincidence. I love “how to behave…” too and almost put it in this post. I will definitely add it to a resource section in the future.
Thanks so much for all your input!
Lisa says
As a Mother of five (ages 16 to 6 months) I have tried every parenting trick known to man (or should I say woman?). I have found that each child responds differently to dicipline. The number one key is to be consistant. Whatever you choose to do, make sure you do it all the time. A child can sense weakness so always be strong. I have read literally hundreds of child care books over the years (including 1-2-3 magic) and my all time favorite and most helpful is “How to behave so your children will too” Writtten by Sal Severe. Its funny and totally relatable. I can not say enough good things about this book.
flipflop says
I love 1-2-3 works so well with my kids. Even my oldest (10 yrs it works for her although there is still some attitude that accompanies it), but for my 4 yrs and my twins, it works great!
Addie says
We recently got the book Creative Correction by Lisa Welchel. It has lots of different ideas of discipline that are both positive reinforcement as well as negetive consequences.
GiBee says
Okay … first of all, my son’s not old enough to put in time out, so I have no relevant comment towards that, other than, I would probably do it the same way you are!!!
And … I just noticed that at the bottom of your post, you have by: Janice, so loo loos like me can figure out who’s talking now.
Finally — I love that cute little clip of the child throwing a temper tantrum. So adorable.
Sorry I wasn’t any help, though!