Comments on: How to Talk To Your Children About Sexual Abuse

By: Shalvika Sood

Shalvika Sood — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 11:37:24 +0000

Hollie, I’m so sorry for what with you and everyone here. It’s such a terrible violation; I feel no punishment can suffice. I really admire your courage at speaking out openly and helping others. The importance of communication between a mother and a daughter can’t be emphasized enough! And a training in self defense (or as my teacher says, counter offense) is a MUST! There are 2 things to take care off in such training. Firstly it has to give you the correct orientation which has a ‘street’ approach instead of a ‘fighting in the ring with rules’. Second, you must prepare your child to stand up against peer pressure to continue with such seemingly boyish activities. One of my friends left the classes when we were 13 because the boys used to tease her. She was molested a few years later. So while the communication is the vital part in combating abuse, the right kind of training in self defense is the thing that will complete it.

By: Hollie

Hollie — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 18:02:50 +0000

I agree that the conversations need to happen younger and younger..We need to let them know home is the safe haven( at least I pray it is-for me it was not), that they can talk about it, whatever the what is. Today over lunch my daughter and I were talking about an incident at school that made her uncomfortable. She feels safe now telling me anything and everything because it has been a journey of hard conversations. She knows I have her back. I think that is the greatest gift we can give them. I am thankful I get to be her mom and I just want her prepared.

Niki,
I know what it is to be where you are. Really truly I do. For me healing came, when I finally realized the shame did me no good, either did the guilt and I could be me and me was pretty well darn good.
For me I got there by journalling alot, walking alot and talking it out with people who care.As for when and where to have those conversations. I chose to use the newspaper or tv shows or even games as conversation builders and they really did do the trick for me and my daughter.

By: niki

niki — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 00:27:41 +0000

i am also a survivor, barely.
i have horrible depressive episodes because of my past.
i’m not sure HOW to talk to my 4 kids about it. they know (at least the older 2) that it happened to me when i was 8, but can you REALLY keep your kids safe? i guess i’m going thru a rough time lately. i’m trying not to medicate myself, as i gain too much weight on pills. daily life is hard for me and my husband definitely feels the tension lately. sorry, i just had to dump this . i’m really down today, not sure why. but i read the post and it hit home this particular day. just know it’s very real and is very hard to talk about. thanks for opening up people’s eyes about it.

By: Petula

Petula — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 03:22:16 +0000

It is very brave of Hollie to share what happened to her and for Janice and Susan to tackle difficult topics. Thanks for reminding us to have these conversations with our children.

By: Julie Arduini

Julie Arduini — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 13:56:02 +0000

Thank you so much for this article, Hollie. I asked all my friends with daughters to look up today’s post and read it. It’s a must read, and I’m so sorry you had to endure this in order for all of us to be aware.

Janice and Susan, you guys put such great content on this site. As a mom, this post might outrank them all. Thank you.

By: Serendipity is Sweet

Serendipity is Sweet — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 13:09:36 +0000

Thank you so much for sharing this Hollie. This is such a sensitive subject, but such a very important one. We all need to have the courage to engage in conversations about sex and appropriate behavior with our kids, and to keep a dialog going. It is difficult to open the subject, but the more we discuss it the less akward it becomes and the more likely they will be to come to us for advice, or help.

Hollie, thank you for your honesty, courage and openness. You have helped us all to be more mindful of protecting our children from harm. And thanks 5 Minutes for Mom for sharing this!

By: TBW

TBW — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 04:40:27 +0000

As a survivor of child abuse by my grandpa who was not supported by the adults in my life who should have protected me I just wanted to say thank you for writing on this subject. And I agree with the above commenter that you shouldn’t wait until they’re older. It is challenging to know what to share with smaller kids(mine are 6 and 4) but the fact that I was molested at the age my oldest now is makes me want to give them ways to avoid it if possible and if something does happen then know that if they tell me I will be there to help them through it!!

By: Miki Baxter

Miki Baxter — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 02:35:26 +0000

As difficult and as scary as this topic is, it is imperative that our kids know that we are that safe place. The alternative, when a parent is closed or blames the child, is horrific. And even as adults, we need to let kids know within our sphere of influence that we are that safe place too, in case their parents aren’t or if their parents are part of the abuse.

I’ve suffered sexual abuse multiple times in my life and never had a safe person to turn to for help or guidance. Now, as a mom, I’m vigilant in prayer and also in creating an atmosphere with my kids where they can tell me any and all of their concerns. And I try to teach them to be assertive, that it’s okay to say NO, even to an adult, that “being nice” is not the goal. We affirm the fact that we’d prefer our kids to speak out even at the risk of being rude if something doesn’t feel right rather than go along with something against their conscience.

By: Laura

Laura — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 01:36:23 +0000

Holly thank you for sharing. Our local preschool just went through an incident…a 4 yr old girl was raped by a worker..male/18 yrs old. Don’t wait until they are pre teen to address this as unfortunately it happens much sooner than that : (

By: This Military Mama

This Military Mama — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 01:15:51 +0000

I want to thank Hollie for sharing these tips. It is so important to educate your daughters.

My mother was molested when she was 6 years old, by some one who at the time was living in her own home. My mother finally told me about her abuse when I was 11 years old. She has been an advocate for sexual victims for years and eventually told the world her own story.

My mother raised me to be so aware of my surroundings and actions of others. The good touch vs bad touch, what was appropriate behaviors between adults and kids, between myself and other kids, and the wisdom to talk about it. My mom made sure she meet every parent of my friends and talked to them when ever I was invited over for a play date or for any event I was invited too. Even if she knew the people way, she still talked and communicated about everything that involved me. She continued to teach me as I grew up about my changing body about ways to be safer as I grew up. She gave me so many tools in life that have lead me to be blessed enough to have never been assaulted.

As a mom now, I appreciate my mother’s protectiveness over me so much more. She taught me valuable lessons that I put into action today as a mom and will carry out as my daughter grows older. I hope to instill the same wisdoms my mother instilled in me.

If I ever have a son, I plan to teach him much similar lessons [tailored to a male of course]. I will teach him how to respect woman, what is appropriate, and that no means no. I want him to understand how his own actions can be interpreted by others.

I’m going to do everything I can to protect my daughter and to give her the tools to do all she can to protect herself. When she has a daughter of her own, I will be there for her to help her teach her own daughter and to pass on the wisdoms from generation to generation.

By: Janice

Janice — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 00:33:46 +0000

Holly – I am so sorry for how terribly you suffered!! Thank you soooo very much for sharing your story with us and helping us all be better informed for helping our children.